It's all too much....

[Darrin Scott]

Lately I've been consumed with my looks which is odd for me because I was never like this before. I just bought $100 worth of threadless T-shirts and tried them all on again and put most of them aside because I didn't like the way they looked on me, even bound. I must've tried binding at least 3 or 4 different ways and still don't feel "flat enough". I feel such a discomfort with my chest and my overall body I'm obsessing over it. I never feel "right" in anything because I feel like a girl in everything. I also don't pass 85% of the time.  I so just want to be me and be happy with my body. It was never like this before. Even when I was just coming to terms with being trans*. I'm not forcing myself to feel this way. I'm depressed about it. I want to be happy with what I have right now because it won't change for a while. I probably won't start T before February. It sucks. I keep thinking people see "girl" when they see me. I'm sick of being ma'amed all the time. People think it's respectful. I'd rather not be gendered at all. I can't wait for top surgery, but that is a long ways away. I'm trying to make due with what I have, but it's so hard.....

[Sharky]

I know how you feel. I hate the way I look in just a t shirt too. Really the only thing I'm ok with is button ups with 2 chest pockets. It's impossible for me to get anywhere near flat. The pockets kinda hide the lumps.
Hang in there buddy.

[N.Chaos]

I know this all too well, I was raging about it earlier today myself. Since I've come out its bothered me so much that I'm fat and lumpy and will never look right. I hate being stuck in baggy clothing, and at risk of people attacking me over it, I've always wanted to be a pretty guy. Button ups, yes. Lifesavers they are, and I finally lost enough weight to be able to take advantage of that.

[Felix]

I feel like I'm doing okay now, but there have been times where I just wanted to curl up and hide for the rest of my life because I couldn't see myself ever looking right. I'd try stuff on and feel like I just looked like a girl wearing her boyfriend's clothes. I'd be despondent, trying different clothes and bindings and messing with my hair.

It was easier to be closeted and not try to pass than it was to deal with the feelings related to being out and still getting treated like a woman.

I also had never cared about my looks for most of my life, beyond making sure my fly was zipped and my shirts still had most of their buttons. Personality change like this...I feel like I'm never going to be allowed to stop being a teenager. Why should just being oneself be so hard?

Anyway, hold on as best you can. I don't know what to tell you about how to go forward, but don't let this stuff sink you.

[insideontheoutside]

You said you were never like this before - so what's changed? Is it just the trans part where because you've now been identifying as trans for a little while it's now unacceptable to you to be misgendered as female? It seems your well aware of how obsessing over it is not a good thing, it's just finding a temporary solution until you can move forward. February isn't that long away either. However, I can definitely relate to the depressing part because I've been there done that.

The only way to be happy is to change how you're thinking about things. You already realize you have some time to go before you can make big changes, so latch on to small things that help in the meantime. Messing around with clothing can definitely help. If you wear some of those t-shirts with open button ups, that really is distracting from body shape/chest. In the winter I like to wear scarves too. They definitely hide the chest area. 

[Jeatyn]

I've started being this way aswell, I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer, I just thought I'd add my two cents to get it off my chest.

I guess for me it's because before I could always think "not long now....hormones soon....chest surgery soon....just suck it up"

but then...3/4 years down the line, and still not being any closer to change, it's really really getting to me, I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

I drive myself insane, I buy hundreds of shirts and jeans and try them all on and freak out about how horrible they look and end up crying, which bugs me even more, that I'm getting so emotional over the whole thing.

Then even on the days where I've made the effort to wear two binders...one over the hips and one over the chest....and am feeling like I look pretty good. I realise after an hour that I just can't live like that, unable to breath or move or go to the bathroom without it taking a half hour to fix my clothes.

And then I think, if I just lost weight, it wouldn't be so bad, my hips wouldn't be like 100 miles wider than my shoulders, so I obsess about exercise for a few weeks, and of course, it always comes off my legs and waist first, making the hourglass look even more prominent, and I lose my motivation. It's hard to give a crap about the health of a body I hate, you know?

I feel like I'm moving backwards rather than forwards >.>

[Darrin Scott]

Thanks all!

Insideontheoutside: "Is it just the trans part where because you've now been identifying as trans for a little while it's now unacceptable to you to be misgendered as female?"

I wasn't sure if you were being sarcastic here or really wanting to know. As far as the question, I don't know what it is, really. Yes, I've only been ID'ing as trans for a little while, but I'm actually quite lenient with people when they misgender me and don't say anything to anyone. Even family. Because I've only been id'ing as trans for a little while. It does bother me. I can't understand why, considering I've only recently come out and I've identified as female in the past (No, I did not always consider myself male and I did not know since I was 4 that "something was wrong".)

I think I might get too caught up in other people's stories instead of looking at my own and owning it. I think that sometimes I want to badly to look and sound like everyone else, but I don't and never will and I need to accept that.

Here is a article on a tumblr page about binding for the big chest. It's helping me and I'm sure it'll help some of the other bigger guys too.

http://binders101.tumblr.com/post/12295252974/everything-i-have-to-say-about-the-big-chest-question