I feel so effing violated!!!!

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

Sorry, I usually don't post threads like this but I have been ready to explode all day.


The brief history is, about a year and a half ago my partner and I (whom I have been with for almost 11 years) moved back in with her parents mainly because her parents were about to lose their house for the fact that her mom (who is a workaholic not only holding down a 9-5 but spending every other minute running her own canine oriented business) lost that 9-5 which paid the majority of the bills and while their business was already struggling in an ever worsening economy.

So we moved back in with them to help with the expenses and try and weather their storm together.


Her father has not had a job in about 20 years. He used to help out with their family business but has not even done that. For all intents and purposes he is a leech. He sits around the house all day on his laptop, strums away on his guitar incessantly and is just not usually a person I like to even be around as that personality is the mirror opposite of me. He is also hard of hearing and honestly is just oblivious to everything going on around him. Both his wife, daughter and I work our fingers to the bone 25/8/366 (none of us have had a day off or vacation in years) and he can not even be bothered to look for a job.


I have made it known very respectfully that I despise all that he is to my partner and both her and to some extent her mother agree but their entire family is TOTALLY non-confrontational and passive aggressive so I am surrounded by ostriches with their heads in the sand.


The truly sad part is that her father is not a dumb man. He is the type that can carry on a conversation about just about any topic and is VERY knowledgable about cars, music, history, antiques etc so it is not that he lacks the brain matter or physical ability to work.



But to get to the point.


Both her and her mother know that I am trans and know that I am transitioning. Her father we all decided doesn't need to know, at least for not now as he doesn't handle change very well (like I give a damn.) but for sake of family peace, that is what we decided on.


So our bedroom is right next to the room where my home office is which only myself and my partner use and I have my own computer in there that ONLY I use.

So early this morning as I am waking up I hear the door to my office open and close and the distinct sound of my office chair creaking. Only myself and her father are at home so I am sitting in the bedroom with a puzzled look on my face and trying to listen to what is going on through the wall.


I finally after about 3 minutes get up, put on a robe and go into the office only to see him sitting at my computer reading  something off of my monitor. To my horror he is on this site with the login page and me logged in with my avatar clearly displayed and says aloud "Transgender Resources,... ok... that's different"


I am just standing in the doorway in utter shock. Who the heck does this person think he is?? What in gods green earth is he doing on my bloody computer? Why is he still on there?

Furthermore, he just sits there reading on, clearly oblivious to the fact that he is not only violating my privacy, but how amazingly uncomfortable this is making me feel.


AND HE JUST SITS THERE AND KEEPS THUMBING THROUGH THE FORUMS!!!!


Well I have had enough and I grab the mouse out of his hand and x out of the web browser.


He says to me, yeah, I need to print out some sheet music for my guitar group tonight....


I turn around and just walk out of the room getting back to my bedroom as fast as I can. I am literally shaking at this point and just want to go back in and rip his head off.


I got dressed, left the house and just got home. I decided maybe if I write this all down and get some advice, help, even just some words of comfort from my friends here it might help.


Needless to say, the computer in question now defaults to password protection after 3 minutes of idle...



I just feel so violated....

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

Oh I truly wish you were right, that in fact now he does know and the cards are on the table, but I am almost certain that he is so effing oblivious that he probably just thinks that I am a perv that is just messing around on (pardon the expression) ->-bleeped-<- sites.

The fact that I have long hair, long nails, a voice that has significantly changed since I began to transiton, a full wardrobe and shoes and every opportunity I get (see costume parties and halloween and such) I dress female is all flying right over his head.

But moreso, I have to be under tha same roof as this a-hole and he hasn't even mustered the rocky mountain oysters to even say sorry to me.

I could just scream right now!

(thanks for letting me blow off some steam and thanks for the words though. It does help.)

[Constance]

Wow, I can understand why you'd feel violated.

Lock your workstation. Password-protect your startup/login screen and your screen saver. Don't allow your web browser(s) to store any password and/or turn off all web form auto-completes. You shouldn't have to do these things on your own personal computer, but it might be necessary.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

Wow, I can understand why you'd feel violated.

Lock your workstation. Password-protect your startup/login screen and your screen saver. Don't allow your web browser(s) to store any password and/or turn off all web form auto-completes. You shouldn't have to do these things on your own personal computer, but it might be necessary.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Done, done and done.

I agree, this shouldn't be necessary but I would rather be safe than sorry.
It is not that I really have any deep dark secrets but this is something that I want to disclose when I am ready...

[mixie]

The guy is a jerk plain and simple and I can't add to the advice you've gotten about that.

But as a hearing impaired person I'd like to share an insight with you I've learned.   I am constantly meeting older men who refuse to get a hearing aid when it is quite obvious that they need one.

You would think that as a younger woman I would be more reluctant than older guys to get one but they are absolutely vain about it.

Also hearing aids are not covered by medical insurance.   So that's another problem.


When someone has a hearing problem they tend to isolate themselves from the world because it is easier to do that than to face their hearing problem.

I'm not making excuses for the guy but just to give you a bit of perspective.


The other thing is that they can become very controlling because they can't hear etc.

It may have seemed as though he dismissed you until you grabbed the mouse but maybe he didn't realize you were standing there.  So just a thought.


Good  luck in living with them.  I lasted 3 months with my ex husband's inlaws.  TOTAL nightmare for these kinds of reasons.  Establishing some rules of "space and privacy" is essential but usually the people involved don't abide by them.

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

The guy is a jerk plain and simple and I can't add to the advice you've gotten about that.

But as a hearing impaired person I'd like to share an insight with you I've learned.   I am constantly meeting older men who refuse to get a hearing aid when it is quite obvious that they need one.

You would think that as a younger woman I would be more reluctant than older guys to get one but they are absolutely vain about it.

Also hearing aids are not covered by medical insurance.   So that's another problem.


When someone has a hearing problem they tend to isolate themselves from the world because it is easier to do that than to face their hearing problem.

I'm not making excuses for the guy but just to give you a bit of perspective.


The other thing is that they can become very controlling because they can't hear etc.

It may have seemed as though he dismissed you until you grabbed the mouse but maybe he didn't realize you were standing there.  So just a thought.


Good  luck in living with them.  I lasted 3 months with my ex husband's inlaws.  TOTAL nightmare for these kinds of reasons.  Establishing some rules of "space and privacy" is essential but usually the people involved don't abide by them.

Thanks for your insight.

With him, he had his hearing tested and came back with 15% hearing loss. We all looked at one another and asked ourselves, doesn't he mean 15% hearing remains?

For him it is not a matter of vanity or even finances. His mother has 4 hearing aids and even offered to give him one. He is just so oblivious otherwise to the world around him and how his actions effect others around him that this is just an extension of that.

Oh, and he turned and saw me when I came in the doorway and continued sitting there reading, so he knew I was there.

Either way, aside from the lack of respect for my personal privacy, space and property, I think what offends me the most is after he got caught he not only continued to sit there and read away, but that he didn't even apologize.

But I do honestly appreciate the perspective.

[mixie]

You can't share hearing aids,  they are molded to your inner ear and if you wear someone else's you get "feedback" like when a microphone whistles.


And the scales for hearing are not what you would imagine.  Also it is very easy to fake a hearing test.

You sit in a booth and they play tones and you are supposed to raise your hand when you hear them.   After a while you could probably just get away with raising your hand even if you don't hear it.

Also you can read the lips of someone who is giving the test.    But it's very tragic not to be able to hear.  And the controlling aspect is a survival method.  I was a total bitch when I didn't have my hearing aids.  I'm completely deaf in one ear and can hear out of one ONLY if I have the aid.  Otherwise I'm totally deaf.  It's very very stressful.

One thing that might help you get along better is to look up ways to communicate with him.   Face him always,  don't enunciate because it changes the lip reading skills and if he asks you to repeat it,  repeat it but then say it again in a different way.

I was miserable when I couldn't hear.  Sounds like he is too.

Such a stressful environment so sorry.

[Keaira]

I've lived with In-laws so I know exactly how you feel. My Mother-in-law went into my dresser and took my handgun and put it in her closet. And She would have said nothing about it if I had not confronted her about it. Needless to say I will go homeless before I ever move in with them.
At all times, my PC was locked out unless I was sitting there or I let my children on it. Browsers were also closed after use. But I am a lot more tech savvy than anyone in my family. So much so, I was always asked to do tech support for everyone.

As for what his reaction... I can guarantee you, he is not oblivious. He knows what's going on but isn't going to let you know that he's putting pieces of the puzzle together. You said it yourself, he's intelligent. Which makes me think that he is 'scamming the system' so to speak.
At this point you can do one of 2 things. Confront him about it or just wait and see how he plays his next card. But its good you locked out the PC.

The other side of the coin is, he is curious. and what can he do? Kick you out and lose his nice cushy lifestyle? Nay, he doesn't sound the kind of man to cut off his nose to spite his face. Just means you might have a chance to be you more often.

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

You can't share hearing aids,  they are molded to your inner ear and if you wear someone else's you get "feedback" like when a microphone whistles.


And the scales for hearing are not what you would imagine.  Also it is very easy to fake a hearing test.

You sit in a booth and they play tones and you are supposed to raise your hand when you hear them.   After a while you could probably just get away with raising your hand even if you don't hear it.

Also you can read the lips of someone who is giving the test.    But it's very tragic not to be able to hear.  And the controlling aspect is a survival method.  I was a total bitch when I didn't have my hearing aids.  I'm completely deaf in one ear and can hear out of one ONLY if I have the aid.  Otherwise I'm totally deaf.  It's very very stressful.

One thing that might help you get along better is to look up ways to communicate with him.   Face him always,  don't enunciate because it changes the lip reading skills and if he asks you to repeat it,  repeat it but then say it again in a different way.

I was miserable when I couldn't hear.  Sounds like he is too.

Such a stressful environment so sorry.

The thing about hearing aids being a one person use thing I did not know but I do remember hearing tests from when I was in the military.

I will try to look at things with what you have said in mind but I do think too much emphasis is being placed on this issue as he was an ass even when his hearing was perfectly fine.
For example, he would know that you were in the shower and go water the lawn at that particular time and kill the water pressure, even after you TOLD HIM (and yes, he heard you) that you were taking a shower.
He would drive the family cars till they were out of gas and switch cars so that someone else got to fill them up and at the same time if you drove one of the cars he would tell you, make sure you bring it back with gas.
He would regularly help himself to my snap-on toolbox (if you know tools, you know that snap on stuff is NOT CHEAP ie: 12-22 bucks for just one socket) and lose tools and/or leave them out in the elements to get lost or worse.
He will sit on his ass when all 3 of us spend the entire day cleaning the house (many times literally around him) and wouldn't so much as ask if we needed help or just take it upon himself to even clean his own area or wash his own dishes/clothes.
He would gorge himself on food that did not belong to him and/or was bought for something specific and neither replace it, nor let anyone know that it was gone unti you were standing there cooking something counting on that being there and it not.
He will sit at his laptop in the family room and go to some guitar video on youtube and start playing his guitar, less than 5 feet away from where we are all sitting trying to watch tv (that he can see we are doing) and then get pissed off that we would try and raise the volume of the tv to compensate.
He will come into our bedroom (his daughters and mine), sometimes without so much as a courtesy of a knock when we are getting dressed and or doing other things.
He regularly wakes up at 5am and goes to sleep around 9 and will thunk and crash about the house and play his music and his guitar riling up the dogs and waking everyone else in the house despite the fact that some of us just worked 18 hours or more the day before and just want to sleep.

Need I go on?...


You know, reading this list I just posted I am now realizing that I really should have just expected him to use my computers without asking and do what he did...

jokes on me I guess.

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

I've lived with In-laws so I know exactly how you feel. My Mother-in-law went into my dresser and took my handgun and put it in her closet. And She would have said nothing about it if I had not confronted her about it. Needless to say I will go homeless before I ever move in with them.
At all times, my PC was locked out unless I was sitting there or I let my children on it. Browsers were also closed after use. But I am a lot more tech savvy than anyone in my family. So much so, I was always asked to do tech support for everyone.

As for what his reaction... I can guarantee you, he is not oblivious. He knows what's going on but isn't going to let you know that he's putting pieces of the puzzle together. You said it yourself, he's intelligent. Which makes me think that he is 'scamming the system' so to speak.
At this point you can do one of 2 things. Confront him about it or just wait and see how he plays his next card. But its good you locked out the PC.

The other side of the coin is, he is curious. and what can he do? Kick you out and lose his nice cushy lifestyle? Nay, he doesn't sound the kind of man to cut off his nose to spite his face. Just means you might have a chance to be you more often.

All good points, but the one thing I would comment  on is that I might have mischaracterized him. He is not so much intelligent but moreso a sort of idiot savant.
A relatively charming man that can recall random information at the drop of a hat but can not tell you what you discussed with him 5 minutes ago. He really is THAT oblivious.
Either way, I am not one to bury MY head in the sand waiting for the other shoe to drop. I told my partner that either she figures out a way to deal with this or I will. I will give her that much respect that she can figure out how to best deal with her family member in this regard but I am done with his schenanigans.

[mixie]

I would just use it as a launch point for yourself to discuss it with him.  I do agree he may be curious and now that he found it what the hell.


However I think it's horrible horrible horrible horrible to live with relatives, even ones you like.  I would do my best to get out of dodge ASAP.

[fionabell]

I wish I had some input, but I don't. I'm just a lone vixen.

[Sage]

I will wholeheartedly agree that living with family (especially in-laws who are really annoying even when you're not living with them) is no fun at all.

Sadly I'm all out of advice, insight and witty quips for today (Dear God, the day I've had... ) but I will send you good vibes and all that good jazz in the hopes that your situation improves. 

[Cindy]

Dear Jaded 1,

Sadly in my opinion your father in law ? or is it your father, is just a lazy inconsiderate twerp who has no social grace, no intelligence, a crude cunning and a very strong desire to look after himself. He has people letting him live how he wants with no moral boundaries and no consideration for others.

I think it is something that he has managed to get away with for a long time and it suits him. I'm concerned that he may also try and use private information for his own gain. I'm not sure how far you are out but If there are dangers that he can use to blackmail you I would be aware of them, sorry if that sounds too paranoiac.

In my opinion reading peoples private thoughts and sites is equivalent to reading your teenager children's diaries, where often their most secret thoughts are put, and accessing them is a violation and can tantamount to abuse (IMO) it certainly destroys trust.

Personally when he stood up from reading your lap top I would have kneed his balls so far up his arse that you wouldn't need a free meal for a week.

How does his wife accept his behaviour, or is her need to be a workaholic a manifest of not wanting to be in her home?

Sorry for your situation

Cindy

[Joelene9]

  I would feel violated in your situation.  My situation is much different.  My friends and family knows my status and I would give any of them this forum address if they asked.  My profile info is large by design so they can find me and read my entries instead of assuming!  Your father in law is a twerp going onto your computer.  I hope this is not a fetish to him.  "Danger Will Robinson!", saith the robot.
  Joelene.

[fionabell]

I know this is going to be annoying, but perhaps you should talk to him about your gender transition?

He'd know anyway. Men are usually c**ts but they still have feelings and i suppose he could be feeling left out.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I have no way of knowing the situation from my vantage point behind the computer here.

[King Malachite]

Thats horrible!  He is such a loser.  I'm really sorry this happened to you but on the bright side at least he may have a clue and there's not a damn thing he can do about it since all he does is lay around pretending to be a rockstar.  It's good you secured your PC though.

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

UPDATE.

So I came out to him about a week ago as hiding my status was just getting to be too much of a pain in the ass and I thought he already knew.

Well he blew up and didn't get it at all.

Go figure, out of the options after viewing the stuff on my computer of "Is my son in law a transgendered person." or "Is my son in law a trolling perv on trans sites" he went with the latter...

Sigh.

Oh well. It is out in the open now and he can just deal with it. I will not make apologies for who I am or for being honest about it.

[Constance]

Well, as you say at least it's out in the open now.

And you shouldn't have to apologize for who you are.

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

Unfortunately your partner and mother-in-law's passiveness lets him get away with this behaviour and effectively reinforces it. The remedy is in their hands and they should eject this lump of wasted-space from the house. Let us face it - if he was not there how much income would you all lose? Answer: none - your income would be the same as it is now, but your costs would be less.

Put a lock on your office door.

Beverley

You hit the nail on the head with the first part. That is EXACTLY what I told my partner.

As far as telling him to hit the road, that is out of the question as her parents have been together since highschool and her mom has her own issues to deal with. LONG story.

At best, I just bide my time and no one really pays any attention to his stupidity.
I know this is a horrible thought, but god help him if he outlives his wife as I will not lift a finger for him once she is out of the picture.