I have a lot of trangst today

[Derek]

So hey, I haven't posted here in a while because I've been dealing with a lot of things.

I work in retail, and ... it's that time of year. As you can imagine, this causes an insane amount of stress. I've also spent the last two weeks or so dealing with a flare up of mental and physical illness. I caught a lovely cold, and aunt flo came to visit which always causes my mental state to plummet downhill like a train with no brakes.  So it's just been a ->-bleeped-<- couple of weeks.

And I'm not out anywhere to anyone I can talk to, save one, and he's on the internet and across an ocean. So it's been difficult, I suppose.

And lately not being out has been driving me nuts. I can't get close to people. I can never be myself, ever. Everything I do is small talk, or a lie, because I cannot talk honestly about myself. Why am I so afraid of people? Why does this deep, dark, horrible secret about myself make me completely unable to function socially? (I was being sarcastic about the horrible secret thing there). How much of it is the trans issues and how much of it is just me being inept? It's driving me crazy that I can't ever act naturally around anyone. Not even people I'd be interested in talking to, because I'm too afraid. Because I know it will come up and I won't be able to lie about it and I don't know how they'll react.

So basically everything is stupid and I just want to go eat junk food and play video games all day because that's the only thing that will keep me from hurting myself.

Sorry for the livejournal post.

[ForWantOf]

Hey, Derek. I hope things get better for you!

I don't really have much advice, but I want to ask, are you in a position where you can begin to slightly transition or to tell people about your situation?
Or is it just your anxiety of talking to people about that stuff that's holding you back?

If so, you should take steps to becoming your true self, even if it's something small, it can make the biggest difference.
When the time comes, you should really just take a dive and tell someone how you're feeling. I'm the same way, I struggle to talk about personal issues face to face with someone, I literally can't say the word "girlfriend" to my family when talking about my girlfriend. But I've learned that once you just man up and do it and get it over with, the outcome is always better than expected.

[supremecatoverlord]

I'm sorry you feel this way, Derek.
)x

I hope things get better.

[Derek]

Hey, Derek. I hope things get better for you!

I don't really have much advice, but I want to ask, are you in a position where you can begin to slightly transition or to tell people about your situation?
Or is it just your anxiety of talking to people about that stuff that's holding you back?

My life is complicated. I have an 8 year old son, and I'm still living with his other parent, and I'm not financially independent, and said other parent is really not okay with my gender issues. If I didn't have my son, I wouldn't be as worried about speaking up, losing my place to live, losing my job, and ending out on the streets. But I do have my son and that changes things. And I have literally no idea how to even approach this kind of conversation with an 8 year old.  Sometimes I think I'm being selfish, and that I should just shut up, buckle down, and pretend to be a girl until he's older and things are more stable. But I can't because pretending to be a girl makes me want to kill myself. So I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

[JohnAlex]

I think children can understand this kind of a thing better than you might think.  at least in my experience with little siblings. 

[Squirrel698]

I'm just going to put out there I'm certain your son would rather have you as a man than not have you at all.

I have children as well.  What children truly want and need is a parent that loves and supports them.   What gender you are is secondary to you being there for him. 

Stop using him as an excuse because that can build up unnecessary resentment in you towards him.  That is where his emotional damage will come from.  Not from you transitioning to male.   

[Derek]

I'm just going to put out there I'm certain your son would rather have you as a man than not have you at all.

I have children as well.  What children truly want and need is a parent that loves and supports them.   What gender you are is secondary to you being there for him. 

Stop using him as an excuse because that can build up unnecessary resentment in you towards him.  That is where his emotional damage will come from.  Not from you transitioning to male.

Sorry I wasn't clear. What I am afraid of is that transitioning will remove me from him. He isn't preventing it directly.

[Felix]

Hey hi Derek. I'm up late and sleepy, but I encourage you to PM me about this stuff. I came out to my 11 year old daughter about half a year ago, and I waited so long because I had a lot of fears about what it would do to her, including fears about custody issues and my legal rights. You seem to be implying that you worry about more than just messing up his head.