And everything falls apart again.

[Lynn]

Yay depressing title for a depressing post about a depressed girl. Sounds about right.
I honestly don't know if this is where I should be posting this, if I should post this at all or even what I hope to achieve by doing so. Maybe I just feel the need to vent about my life thus far, and this seems the best place to do it. Or maybe I'm just looking for sympathy. I don't know.

I've just been feeling so worthless lately. I came to the realization that everything I have ever tried to build in my life just comes crashing down not too long after, usually due to some retarded mistake on my part. I'm 23 and I have accomplished nothing at all in my life. The best thing I have right now is some ->-bleeped-<-ty baking degree that I did in like half a year in some government class ... and I can't even get a job with that because they obviously pick people that have done baking in like high school. Speaking of jobs ... I've been unemployed for the past 2 years and I've just given up on it now. I know I shouldn't give up, but I just don't care any more.

I'm just so tired of everything. I'm tired of not finding a job. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm tired of being in this hideous body. I'm tired of trying to please other people who will never even consider being thankful. I've just had it with everything.

I know it gets better, and I do know it's not all bad. I'm lucky to have a mostly supporting family and I've had so many nice opportunities in my life (too bad I always manage to find one way or another to completely mess them up). But you know, sometimes it just gets a little overwhelming. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok. Is that really so much to ask? Maybe I should ask for a person who will do just that for Christmas.

On top of that, I've had these annoying moodswings lately ... and I haven't even started HRT yet. Heck, my first appointment with my therapist is still a month away. How am I going to manage this all?

I just don't know the answer to all my questions. All I can do is keep trying to rebuilding from the mess I always leave behind I suppose, hoping that someday it will keep standing.

/pointless emo rant

[stldrmgrl]

I am sorry things are not going well for you.  I can relate to most the things you said, so I understand where you are coming from.  It takes every bit of energy and strength out of me, but each day I try my best to persevere.  Sometimes it works and I feel good despite all the negative going on in my life, and sometimes it does not work and either makes matters worse or does nothing to offer healing.  It is either push through or give up.  Giving up guarantees failure, pushing through guarantees a chance.  If it is failure we are both fearing, giving up does not sound so much like the best choice.  Push through each day, doing all you can to make each situation better.  It will seem useless and tiring, but somehow or another at some point, it will pay off.  Hang in there.

[annette]

Quote:
I'm just so tired of everything. I'm tired of not finding a job. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm tired of being in this hideous body. I'm tired of trying to please other people who will never even consider being thankful. I've just had it with everything.

Why should you try to please sombody else ?
Just be yourself, they like you or not.
When they like you it's real, because of who you are and not for being a slave to others.
I should be tired too, it takes so much energy.
So, take a rest and come back as yourself, the one you truly are.
You'll see it will be much easier.

[RachelH]

Hey, I think everyone has vented their frustration and depression on here, and the support is what this place is for.

I know from various points in my own life that feeling when everything you've worked for crashes down. It leads to a huge depression and in my case and probably a lot of other peoples a huge surge in GID, and it sounds like you are in the same place. My advice is that you need to talk about your life and career as well as your GID with your therapist. The mood swings are part of been depressed, and feeling constrained, your also probably looking forward to starting therapy for GID, so you will get excited and then feel powerless while you are waiting; that's what's happened to me. Once you start moving along the care pathways it calms down, that is until something new is dangled in front of you!

The main problem is getting out of the downward spiral of your depression. I was told to be brutally honest with myself, so I could understand myself, and then understand why I kept perpetuating it. When you understand the cause you can start on a plan to improve your life.
The plan should be honest and achievable, and be filled with small steps that build to the overall goal, and provide milestones that you can be proud to have achieved; this will give you positive reinforcement and you can start building yourself up and regaining confidence. For example you say you're tired of been overweight, it might seem pointless but a small walk every night, which may eventually lead up to running (you'll want to lose weight for HRT anyway). Regarding jobs, find ANY job, seriously it will improve your self-esteem, especially in comparison to been unemployed. Also getting a better job is much easier when employed.

Consider what you actually enjoy doing, what strengths you have, and try things, it may take a few different jobs to actually find something (it did me) but each time should help narrow the search to what you really want.

Finally it is going to be alright, it never seems it when you are down in the pits, but it will be alright! Remember small steps! 

[Diane Elizabeth]

Annette,  You asked why try to please other people...  As one that has done so all my life I can say it isn't something we neccessarily want to do, but, its the only thing we know to do to get approval from family and friends.   Even after many years of counseling I still continue to try to please my family and friends.  I am trying to break that cycle but it isn't easy. 

   Lynn,  I don't know what I can say to improve your situation but I hope you can fight off the depression and stay in the game.  Keep venting on here.  A lot of us know exactly what you are going through.  We are here to listen to you.   

Donna (soon to be Deidre)

[JoanneB]

I know very well how you feel Lynn. I've been there a few times myself. My life has been full of ups and downs thanks to my gender issues. To be totally fair, many many of the ups I have to give credit to being TG. You have probably heard it said before but this is a curse and also a great blessing. It just takes time to actually see it and feel it.

For me it started to occur 2 years ago. I had lost my job (in part due to my not so manly personality), got a new one 350 miles away that is a waste of my talents, have to live apart from my now near suicidal wife with 1/3 less income for 2 households, started packing on the pounds again between comfort food and booze, and got more and more depressed with all the free time I had to think about my life and what a total mess it has been and will be for a few more years.

One thing turned it all around as I stood on a scale seeing the dial approach +50 lbs from my semi ideal. What shocked me back to reality was how the absolute worse part of my totally messed up life was not being to fit into any of my fem clothes still hanging in the closet at home.

At least some things are under my control. It took quite a bit of courage to try to take control over them. I started to eat right, started walking and exercises. Started to stop avoiding the 800lb gorilla in my life called Joanne, to look for a gender therapist or at least some sort of support group here in the wilds of West Virgina.

As each little baby step was taken, the results seen, I felt more confident and empowered to do more. A lot has changed since my getting too tight fat pants started feeling loose. There are still plenty of things wrongs in my life. In time maybe I'll be able to change them too. For now I am glad to posses the wisdom to know the difference

[Lynn]

Thanks for the replies everyone! After trying to sleep (and failing horribly) and taking a bath I've calmed down some again. Damn panic attacks ... I swear I had none of that a couple of months ago. It's as if I suddenly stopped being this empty emotionless shell and I'm now discovering what actual emotions feel like. It's kind of scary really.

First: why do I please other people? Why am I not just myself?
The thing here is ... pleasing other people IS being myself, as messed up as that may sound. It's one of the few things I have always enjoyed doing. I'm not sure why it is that I enjoy it as much as I do though, maybe it's so I don't feel quite as useless. Maybe I like being acknowledged. Maybe I'm just one of those kind-hearted selfless people. I hope to find this out about myself in the time to come.

Second: One of the big reasons I don't feel like looking for a job anymore is because I know that I will have to present male in order to do so. And presenting male is already hard enough just for my family (which I have to do, as my little brother has autism and it would be much too confusing for him to suddenly change). I'm sure I'll get over it, but for now I really am just going to take a break from looking for a job, until after the holidays. I feel like I deserve some peace for a month, and just prepare myself for what's in store for me in the future.

As for a career path: I do indeed plan on talking about that with my therapist at some point. I do plan on going back to school if I can manage the funds to do so. I've been looking in the direction of social worker because of the thing where I love helping people as stated earlier. I think it'd be awesome if I could work with teens or something. I'd have tons of life experience to back my stuff up, unlike so many councilors that just went to school and that's their experience, and I'll have gone through both male and female puberty. It seems to me like it'd be a good path for me to take and I could hopefully make a difference in some people's lives.
I haven't decided on anything yet though, and that's fine. I don't plan on going back to school until I'm more comfortable with myself, which is likely after having gone fulltime. I don't have to make a decision overnight and likely will change my opinion next week.

I did have a nice experience earlier after my bath though. I looked in the mirror for the first time in a really really long time (like really looked, not just glancing to shave or whatever) and I noticed that I actually already have a quite feminine face, or at least nothing jumped out at me that couldn't be covered up easily with some work. I need my eyebrows shaped, some HRT to smooth the skin, laser for the obvious beard shadow, some make-up skills and a nice haircut, and I believe that I may be able to pass relatively easily.

I'm considering doing my first full dressup around Christmas. My brother won't be here then for a whole week and I want to experiment a little. I'll get some cheap clothing, a new haircut and get my mom to help me with some makeup. I should also be able to put on my earrings by then. Hopefully I'll look fab enough to have an actual photo to have as my avatar here instead of the flowers (as pretty as the flowers may be).

Funny how this post is worlds apart from the other one. Fortunately it's in a good way ... I do wish these moodswings would go though. :-/

[annette]

Nice to read that you feel a little better Lynn.
Please do not get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with pleasing others once in a while.
I do it myself and I like it when someone is happy then.
However, it should not compromise yourself.
There must be a time when others please you, you're worth it.
I look forward to your Christmas photo.

hugs
Annette

[justmeinoz]

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better.  Depression is the pits.

My experience with HRT was that it calmed me a lot. I still get upset about things but it comes out straight away, blows up and is gone.  Previously I would stew for days and get more upset before turning any anger inwards, which wasn't good at all. 

I have decided I have a need to give something back to my community too,  so will be looking at doing some counselling courses with Lifeline or The Samaritans before Christmas, so that I can get into voluntary work.   

As for pleasing others, if you consciously choose that, then it is a decision you have accepted responsibilty for and you are in charge of the situation.  You can always stop, and choose a different course of action. If we are aware of our  choices, we can accept responsibility for them and not have any regrets or guilt about what we have done.  We are not responsible for how others react to our choice, they choose their own reactions.

Karen.