Hello all,
I am a (cisgender, lesbian, partnered to a post-op MTF woman) lay leader in an Episcopal parish. For the last four or five years, a (pre-op, not that it matters) transwoman has been attending our parish, and went through our education program and was received into the Episcopal church in the last couple of years.
Let's call her Diana, for simplicity.
Diana is involved with Sunday morning worship, which usually has about nine places for involvement that involves putting on robes. One of those roles usually requires a brocade vestment, and another is holding the incense pot and swinging it (yep, the famous "flaming purse".) Diana is trained for all but one of those spots--the actual leader role.
This is a pretty good-sized parish, and we have approximately 70 people who take part in this part of worship. So, 70 / 9 = not everyone gets to do everything every Sunday or festival. The people who are part of this are also requested to make themselves available for funerals and weddings, as an act of charity to those who have those services at our church.
Diana _really_ likes to swing the incense pot, and do the role that wears the brocade. She's okay at doing the tasks, but not better than anyone else, particularly (and doesn't really change when given gentle feedback). Every time a wedding or a funeral comes up, she volunteers _only_ for one of those roles. If she is assigned to something else, she _almost_ always begs off and finds a substitute. She has also developed a habit of not coming to church regularly--in any given month, she might be there once if she "only" is sitting in a pew. This makes it a little hard for people to get to know her. She is irregularly and only intermittently involved in other activities in the church, of which she is welcome to everything (except the 20s/30s group, since she is outside that range) and has over the years received repeated personal invitations to join.
A few weeks ago, Diana approached me about being trained for the worship leader role. I cringed, and wrote her a long email explaining how that role is completely responsible for what happens in a service, and that it requires a long-term record of commitment, flexibility, and demonstration of team-playing. I took her aside that Sunday and also explained, after much agonizing on my part, that she has "dug herself into a hole" with regard to reliability and credibility, since she so often begs off assignments she doesn't like. I told her to work on her reliability and flexibility for six months, and then we could talk about it again. (NB: I don't pick the leaders, but the head minister always asks input from me and the other existing leaders--and almost never overrides our opinion.) I know she has a terrible living situation and is unemployed. Parishioners have offered resume help, networking contacts, industry leads, etc--and they do not seem to be accepted. So yes, life really is hard. But so it is for others in the parish--some of whom are homeless, many of whom are also long-term unemployed, suffering from severe chronic illness, etc. Diana does not have the only set of problems in the church--that is why we are a church.
So, Christmas.
For the last two years Diana had been assigned one of two incense-swinger roles at the very large, very complicated Christmas Eve service. The first year it was, "Let's make sure to include Diana." The second year was, "We should let Diana do it again." This year, a very long-standing and active member of the church, learned that she has to move out of the parish. This would be her last Christmas in the church that has been her home for nearly two decades. So, she was assigned one incense-swinger role. I was assigned the other, since I hadn't done it in about ten years. There are a dozen of us who are trained to do this role, and like every other role, the rule is that in our community, we all share the big events over a period of years.
Diana was in fact assigned to the service, in a role she does but makes no secret of not preferring. She did not appear for the required pre-service rehearsal, but the leader made an exception for her and allowed her to serve anyway. She refused to speak (not even a formal "Merry Christmas") to the other woman or me. She did not take part in the setup before the service. She bolted out while we were still cleaning up, and was in the post-service party while some of the servers were still putting things away. She left the impression that she did just the minimum possible, and then ran out to show off her new evening gown at the reception (let's not even talk about the effect a spangled evening gown has at a post-service Christmas reception where everyone else wears business casual.)
I am annoyed. I thought that she had really gotten our conversation about being a team player, and being included means taking on the same responsibilities everyone else has.
So, is there anything else we can do to help her understand that being part of the community means _equal_ responsibility, not _special_ exemption from any unappealing work? We have been at this for two years now (we didn't ask _anything_ and made every exception going, for the first two years she's been part of us, but now some people are getting fed up).
Help!
