How to politely/civilly correct people that use the wrong name intentionally

[Jeneva]

How is the best way to correct someone that simply isn't trying to use your proper name at all.  I'm not saying just a few slip ups here and there since it has become a habit to them.  I'm not even saying the coworkers that call me J instead of Jeneva.  I mean the in-law extended family that simply refuse to acknowledge that the name has changed at all.  There is a set of them that have "excommunicated" us and I was "excommunicated" from my family long ago just for not being their puppet and following their plans.  So this part of the family is important to my wife.  They are the only related people that haven't totally written us off yet.  We do have several accepting friends, but this is family.

My wife thinks that since they are not preaching to us constantly or threatening physical harm we should just let them alone.  Unfortunately I'm not sure that is a fair statement.  What they are doing is tolerance, NOT acceptance.  To her having someone call you the wrong name is no big deal, but it mentally hurts me.  When they tried to corner her into leaving me or them, she chose me.  So they backed down.  But I'm afraid that if I try to push for proper naming, then she will see that as me doing the cornering and I don't want her to feel that I have ever forced her to choose between two sets of people she loves.

I thought I was going to be OK with this.  My wife had already warned me that her mother would likely NEVER use my new legal name.  And I could accept that when it was just the two of them talking on the phone.  But it hurt a LOT more than I expected for them to do it to my face.  I was so worried while waiting for the next slap of my birth name that I was trembling so much that I ended up having to take my anxiety medicine and if I'd had to be in their conversation much longer I would have had to leave the table before they saw my tears.

Is there some sort of wording I can use that is polite and somewhat civil, but forces them to use the proper name?  Or is it a lost cause because they've already given up on the polite thing to do (when someone says call me X then you call them X).

I'll keep talking to my wife, but right now she has made it clear that if no onslaught of verbal abuse or physical aggression happens then it is just something I am overreacting to and need to get over it.

Does the misnaming get easier?  Should I try to be thicker skin?  It wouldn't bother me too much if I didn't know that these people KNOW and simply AREN'T.  Someone that doesn't know calling me my birth name doesn't hurt at all.  The slips at work don't hurt at all, but this is intentional and it is from someone I can't avoid.

[Beth Andrea]

I'll keep talking to my wife, but right now she has made it clear that if no onslaught of verbal abuse or physical aggression happens then it is just something I am overreacting to and need to get over it.

This isn't physical or verbal abuse...but it is emotional abuse. Your name is how you identify yourself; by ignoring the new (correct) name, they are ignoring the new (correct) you. It's a way of diminishing your life to their terms.

Maybe call them by names other than their own gender?

"...And this is Uncle Fred..."

"Hi, Martha!"

"Err...my name is Fred."

"I know, but your name is Martha." etc etc.

[stldrmgrl]

There are many views and ways to look at this.  You could tell them everything you just put in this post, as that would be civil and let them know you're not comfortable being called...whatever they call you.  You could simply ignore them when they call you that, as you wouldn't answer to any other name that wasn't yours; this is no different.  If they are doing it to get under your skin, that is a different matter and that requires a more direct, blunt approach rather than attempting to be polite.  I'm not saying yell at them, but if they are getting pleasure by calling you a different name than what you prefer, you need to let them know it will not be tolerated.  You seem afraid of what might come from speaking up, but you are tired of it.  So it is obvious a choice must be made.  Either you accept possible consequences by standing up for yourself, or you continue to allow it to make others happy.  Your call.

[Jeneva]

If they are doing it to get under your skin, that is a different matter and that requires a more direct, blunt approach rather than attempting to be polite.  I'm not saying yell at them, but if they are getting pleasure by calling you a different name than what you prefer, you need to let them know it will not be tolerated.  You seem afraid of what might come from speaking up, but you are tired of it.  So it is obvious a choice must be made.  Either you accept possible consequences by standing up for yourself, or you continue to allow it to make others happy.  Your call.

Well I'm not sure it is so much that they are doing it maliciously as much as they refuse to acknowledge that I'm trans.  I've only been out to them for a few months, but I'm not sure that it will ever be recognized by them.

For the most part I can avoid them, but when we have a gathering like Sunday it is the rapid fire misnaming that gets to me.  I am in fact afraid to speak out too much.  These are my wife's parents.  I don't want her to feel I am saying pick me or them (like they did), but if they refuse to use the name then what other choice do I have?

[stldrmgrl]

Well I'm not sure it is so much that they are doing it maliciously as much as they refuse to acknowledge that I'm trans.  I've only been out to them for a few months, but I'm not sure that it will ever be recognized by them.

For the most part I can avoid them, but when we have a gathering like Sunday it is the rapid fire misnaming that gets to me.  I am in fact afraid to speak out too much.  These are my wife's parents.  I don't want her to feel I am saying pick me or them (like they did), but if they refuse to use the name then what other choice do I have?

I know this doesn't help, but unfortunately not everyone will acknowledge every aspect of it.  The majority of my family told me they wouldn't shun me from their lives as a result of my being trans and would treat me with the same respect, however, they did make it clear they more than likely would never call me anything other than my birth assigned name.  I made it clear when I came out that I would never shun anyone from my life due to being trans, so as a result of their support and my word, I felt a compromise could be established.  Despite the fact I hate being called my birth assigned name, the mere fact they accept my being trans, in many ways, overwhelms my frustration of the name.  And while using my correct name and gender based pronouns are part of supporting my being trans, again, not every aspect of being trans will be acknowledged.

Though this doesn't really apply to you as I get the impression they do not acknowledge anything to the aspect of you being trans, perhaps a civil conversation with them simply asking why they choose not to acknowledge it, may be the central topic.  If a compromise can be made, it's a possibility to settle this issue.  I usually would say be true to yourself and don't compromise for anyone, and while I do believe that's the best way, some family is worth too much to lose; especially when they are attempting to make some effort.  Despite the family you're speaking of being your wife's parents, they do seem to matter to you as well.  Thus, exclusive to this type of situation only, perhaps a compromise is the only solution.  If they or you are unwilling to compromise, you're going to have to speak up regardless of consequences, as unfortunately and no disrespect to you with this comment, it will not simply go away.

Edit:  I feel it is important to mention that this compromise is simply for breaking the ice.  Once things seem to settle down, then bring up the issue of using the correct name/pronouns.

[umop ap!sdn]

You are most definitely not overreacting! You should be called by your preferred name; anything else is disrespectful and inappropriate. I would definitely say don't respond to your birth name. There is no reason you should have to put up with such mistreatment.

[RhinoP]

Just do not respond to them when they talk to you by your birth name. If they say "Hey John, ect ect.", do not even acknowledge them for a few seconds. Don't look their way until you know there's a good, disrupting pause in the group conversation or from someone calling you from across the hall. Once you know a bit of a hint has been made, chuckle kindly and loudly, and say "Oh, I'm sorry, that name took a second to dawn on me! So many supportive people in my life call me Jeneva, guess I'm just not used to hearing John anymore!" And make a kind-hearted family joke out of it if you can. Do it every single time the situation comes up.

Overally though, it's best if you legally change your name; "The government calls me Jeneva, it's citizens should too."

[Cindy]

I'm sort of in both camps, ignore people who use the wrong name for me and miss-name them as well. If someone makes a request using the wrong name just ignore them, it obviously wasn't addressed to you. If people talk about you using the wrong name reply using a parody of their's.

I have to admit I have never been in this situation.

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

I have only had something like this happen to me once, and simply called them by the wrong name in return. I think they got the message.
If it was a regular thing I would start giving inappropriate answers too, eg "John Howard and a tuna casserole apparently", or "Susan had it last I think." But then I have a nasty streak where the wilfully stupid and rude are concerned, and like f***ing with people's heads.

Karen.

[Jeneva]

I like the ignore them idea especially since it isn't just called out in a crowd but rather asked with eye contact. For example: "Jeremy do you want some coffee with dessert?"

Jeneva has been my legal name for a couple months now. I changed it less than 2 weeks after getting the go ahead from HR to announce I was transitioning.

Actually my wife and I are already planning on playing with her mom's head when I get back from my FFS/BA in Jan. Her mom thinks she can ignore it and it will go away so we're figuring seeing me when I have a more matching outside should have her speechless from a few deep breaths.

It also turns out that I won't have to deal with this at Christmas since her mother is inviting the fundies and it would be an extremely hostile environment if not even physically dangerous.