Hi..

[Siobhan]

Hi everyone,
I've been lurking around here for a few months now, reading and trying to understand more. I thought i should make the effort to introduce myself, and explain my story.(boring as it is)
Im 32 years old, and since i was 8 i've had dysphoric feelings wishing i was female. Im finding this incredibly hard to type, my feelings of shame and embarressment about my feelings are intense, and that coupled with the sense that if i ever acted on my feelings it would cause a lot of pain to my family-like im letting them down not being what they expect me to be, and cause them to reject me had meant i have never acted on my feelings.
But after 24 years or so its still not gone, and Im struggling more and more to cope. If i had no family or responsibilities  i would transition straight away..but it seems my whole life I've lived so as not to dissappoint others.
Of course their is also the fear that should i act,i would lose what i had and probably never pass, or be regarded as anything other by the public as a weirdo guy in a dress.
I'd probably kill myself, but i would'nt want to do that to my family.
Thanks for reading

[stldrmgrl]

Hiya!

You are not alone in the way you are feeling.  It is difficult to choose whether to be yourself or live for the happiness of others, but the truth of it all is, if you live to make others happy, you are only acting life, never truly experiencing what it is like to actually live life.  Just something to ponder

You have many worries, which is perfectly normal and understandable.  But in time you will find such worries have no place in your life until a solution is within your hands; worrying over them before this does nothing good and only increases stress.  As it is said, cross that bridge when you get there.

We are all here to support each other, so do not hesitate to share what is on your mind.

Welcome to the forum!

*hugs* 

[Devlyn]

Hi Siobhan, welcome to Susans! Stop shaking, you're among friends here! We don't expect you to be anyone but yourself. If you need to figure out exactly who you are first, this is the best place to do it. See you around, hugs, Tracey

[Susan Baum]

Hi, Siobhan and Welcome to Susan's! 

I'm pretty sure you will soon receive an "official" welcome from one of the moderators, but you have already taken one of the first steps to being your true self by logging in.  Keep on reading - I do a lot more of that than writing - and take some comfort in knowing you are by no means alone. 

Im 32 years old, and since i was 8 i've had dysphoric feelings wishing i was female. Im finding this incredibly hard to type, my feelings of shame and embarressment about my feelings are intense, and that coupled with the sense that if i ever acted on my feelings it would cause a lot of pain to my family-like im letting them down not being what they expect me to be, and cause them to reject me had meant i have never acted on my feelings.
But after 24 years or so its still not gone, and Im struggling more and more to cope. If i had no family or responsibilities  i would transition straight away..but it seems my whole life I've lived so as not to dissappoint others.
Of course their is also the fear that should i act,i would lose what i had and probably never pass, or be regarded as anything other by the public as a weirdo guy in a dress.
I'd probably kill myself, but i would'nt want to do that to my family.
Thanks for reading

Those words could have come from a far greater number of folks here than you could ever imagine.  MtF, FtM, Androgyne - Dysphoria and it's depression can exact a heavy toll but many here have given up their families, friends and careers to follow what they know in the deepest part of their soul to be their true selves and be vibrantly alive; others have found support in and from their families when they would have least expected it.  Take a look around, this is one of the best places anywhere to share our thoughts, hopes and dreams. 

Take a deep breath, relax and just be yourself.  Remember, to us, you are Siobhan and not "a weirdo guy in a dress." 

Susan

[Siobhan]

Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot to me and have made my day

[Jeneva]

First of all Siobhan is a beautiful name.

My first post was much the same as yours except I was 35 then. It is a good idea to prepare for the worst, but it may not turn out that way at all. Never give up. It took me 3 years to really start moving, but I'm sprinting now. I've also been incredibly gifted by my extremely supportive wife and children. There were so many times that I felt I was stalled and wondered why go on. At times it was only our mortgage and car loans and the fact my life insurance wouldn't pay if I killed myself that kept me alive. NEVER GIVE UP!  I never dreamed I could be where I am now back then. to be cliche it really does get better.

I can say right now don't leave this site because you feel stalled and depressed. I did and I lost a valuable support tool that could have helped me out of the woods so much faster.

I'm 5'11" with a large frame and was sure I could never pass too, but I routine get smiles instead of smirks and insults. Acceptance is so much more important than a feeling of stealth.

[Siobhan]

Thans Jeneva, it came to me in a dream..lol
Your story gives me hope, im not decided whether to go through with transition yet-not sure i have the courage for it. Perhaps when i have enough money and am working again it will be easier. If things went wrong atm i'd be out on the street.
Myself im a small frame, 5'7 about 75kg (currently dieting  ) with size 6-7 feet (UK size,sometimes feel they are too small,i often lose my balance cos of them..lol)and pretty small hands, i know thats something to be gratefull for if i do go for it.