I'm doing this with some weirdly compartmentalized areas of my life, and lately trying to force myself to just chill out and take the necessary steps. I spent a year choosing a name, and part of that was just that I knew I was trans but I was scared of what it would mean to fully admit it and face it head-on.
Today I did something good. The grocery store I shop at has put me in an uneasy place. I've been going there pretty often for 4 and a half years, and even people there who don't know me see my driver's license once in awhile (I smoke and drink when I can justify the expense). My daughter is hella sped, so the last women's bathroom I used is at that grocery store, because she's scared to go in alone.
A few months ago I started insisting she go in by herself, but I've been scared to use the men's, because all the staff and locals know me as my kid's mom. Today I had a horrible situation where I was on a train for an hour and a half and having period problems, and I had to pee really bad, and so I decided I had to just buck up and use the men's room. I don't know why that made me so anxious, but I felt like my heart was going to burst it was pounding so hard. Of course I had no problems. Nobody is ever thinking about me as much as I am.
Then I bought a bottle of beer (I have respite care and this is a special occasion) along with my cereal and soymilk and cabbage, and the guy looked at my ID and said "thank you <girl name>. That broke me, made me want to just give it up. Made me think there must not be any simple pleasures, and that by deciding to transition I've doomed myself to running without rest on some kind of hamster wheel for the rest of my life.
But feeling that way is not good, and shouldn't realistically be a permanent part of life. After I got checked out and got my bag packed, I waited until there were no more customers and awkwardly asked the cashier if he had a minute. I told him that I'm transgender (I used that word), and that at some point I will have both facial hair and a woman's driver's license. I asked him if that would be a problem, and what to do if it is.
He was so cool. He told me they'd never had a situation like that (even though it's the Burnside Fred Meyer) but that they are very LGBT-friendly. He said if any cashier ever has a problem with me to ask to speak to the store manager. The store manager is gay, there's a transwoman who works in the produce department, and the cashier I approached is very obviously gay himself.
As nervous as I was tonight, nobody in the bathroom gave even the tiniest f, and half the staff are queer too. Things almost always go better than expected.
