Feeling so guilty....

[Darrin Scott]

I feel so guilty about the idea of transitioning. I talked to my mom tonight about the idea of starting hormones and she said she doesn't think I'm ready and started going on and on about how I spent a lot of money going to college and how was I going to afford hormones etc. She's concerned about it being a phase and that it's a life long commitment (which it is) and that I might regret it. I know parents always want whats best for their kids, I was feeling more confident until now. I think part of my issue is I tend to let people's opinions sway me and make me change my mind about things. I need to get out of this. I just feel so guilty about transitioning. I'm not asking if I should or shouldn't. That's up to me. I was just venting. Seeing if anyone else feels the same.

[Z7Z]

I didn't feel guilty about transitioning until two days ago, when I finally told my mother I'm trans. She flipped out, though not in the way I expected. I expected her to argue with me and yell at me and possibly insult me, but all she did was turn very very white as if she was about to pass out, then she said she had to leave, she couldn't deal with it.

So, yeah, I get where you're coming from. Most of the time I don't give a f*** about what anyone else thinks of me, my life, my transition, my whatever... but my mother still effects how I feel about all that. I don't mean that she dictates what I do or don't do, just that she's basically the only person who can make me feel guilty about something that I would otherwise not feel guilty about at all. I don't know how she does it. 

[Arch]

I felt guilty and apologetic when I told my partner that I couldn't hold on any longer and had to start hormones. Our relationship had been in trouble for a while, so I was worried that my transition would be the death-knell (it was, but I didn't know that for sure at the time).

When I told him, he said something like "Why are you telling me this now??!!" I wasn't sure what he meant by "now." I was telling him as soon as I had decided to tell him and was able to get a few minutes of his attention.

He didn't want me to transition, obviously. And he was hurting. I felt tremendously guilty about that for a long time. But I realized some things. First, it's my life, and I had become bitterly unhappy and emotionally crippled by my dysphoria; I had to do something. Second, he knew that I was male-identified in the first few months we were together--I told him in our first year, and I was very androgynous when he met me. Third, I had held on for as long as I could, and I figured it was better for both of us if I transitioned and we broke up (as opposed to my killing myself, which seemed the only alternative). In addition, I realized that I was not the only one contributing to the demise of our relationship; he was responsible for a certain amount of denial and non-communication and withdrawal. Finally, lots of couples divorce or break up because they have grown apart.

Parents are somewhat different, of course. For most of us, it's probably tougher to deal with parents than significant others. So I'm glad I never had to do it. But I think you can assuage some of the guilt feelings by being as kind as you can while being firm about who you are. And give them some time to get used to the idea. And realize that you don't have to accept all of the guilt feelings. To a certain extent, you may have been trained to feel guilty. But you don't have to put up with all of it, and you can learn how not to feel guilty about things beyond your control.

Hang in there.

I'm sure other people here will have better advice, too.

[Forever21Chic]

  I know what you mean, i felt guilty about transitioning years ago when i was in my late teens and went back (de-transitioned) just to please my family which was a huge mistake because i did it for them and not because i wanted to. Feeling guilty is natural, just don't let that guilt get under your skin and prevent you from being yourself.

[Arch]

I let my fear drive me back into the closet. It was clear that my ex was completely uncomfortable with my active attempts to "pass"--he was only okay when I wasn't trying and when people read me as male "by mistake." I wasn't afraid of hurting him, really; I just didn't want to lose him. And there were other factors as well.

Going back into the closet may have been the worst decision I ever made.

[therewolf]

I think it's normal to feel guilty. Your mom is upset, and it feels like it's your fault. Sometimes it feels like your family knows you better than anyone else, so if they strongly feel that you should reconsider, it's natural that it would make you uneasy.

My father wept when I told him. I was horrified. He said "it feels like you died and were replaced by a stranger." That was hard to hear. It stayed with me for a long time.

[Felix]

I agree with Arch that you should give her time to get used to it. Like therewolf's dad, my daughter cried when I told her. I was desperate to take back what I said, to be whoever she needed me to be, instead of the person that was making her cry.

But she got used to it, and now she's chiller and more casual about it than most grownups are. She mostly needed to know that I'm the same person, I still love her, and that transitioning makes me happy. It also seemed to help her to understand that I didn't make a choice to be trans; the only choice I made was to stop keeping it a secret.

Btw, I have a lesbian friend whose mom still thinks she's going through a phase, and she came out like six years ago.

[Arch]

Btw, I have a lesbian friend whose mom still thinks she's going through a phase, and she came out like six years ago.

When my buddy came out as trans, his father said he was still getting used to his being a lesbian.

My friend was around sixteen when he came out as a lesbian and around thirty when he came out as trans. You do the math.

[Ayden]

  I know what you mean, i felt guilty about transitioning years ago when i was in my late teens and went back (de-transitioned) just to please my family which was a huge mistake because i did it for them and not because i wanted to. Feeling guilty is natural, just don't let that guilt get under your skin and prevent you from being yourself.

^ This so much. I first brought up how I felt when I was in highschool. Between my father grounding me for ten months and my mother laying on the guilt trip, I forced myself back into the closet. I even taught myself to be the stereotypical girl that you see on TV. It was horrible. I spent the next several years never really being happy.

I can understand the guilt you feel though. I have always wanted to get at least my father's approval. It's normal to feel guilty and to think about how transitioning will affect your family and loved ones. But remember, a lot of choices we make affect people we care for. My advice would be to give your mom some time, like Arch said. Be gentle and compasionate, but firm. It is hard for people to understand gender if they have never had to grapple with it.

[Darrin Scott]

Her thing is, I came out as a lesbian a year and a half ago and trans a month ago. She thinks it's too soon.

[Arch]

Her thing is, I came out as a lesbian a year and a half ago and trans a month ago. She thinks it's too soon.

Gah. It probably is too soon--for her.

[Kyle_S]

I came out to my mom as "bi" in 2007, then gradually stepped it up to excluding males at all. It seemed like the easiest thing to do. So since 2008 or so, mom has stopped with the "you just haven't met the right guy yet" stuff, since I have made it clear to her I exclusively like women- over and over again. She took a while to get used to that, and I have been able to have very frank discussions about my female crushes/hot n' heavies with her.

I just came out to her as trans probably 6 months ago. She took it hard, as most parents do (being a single mother also may have made her feel responsible, since I have always held a grudge about not knowing my father). She didn't understand at all till about 2 months ago. I started talking to her about it, and telling her its something I have to do, and its the only thing keeping me from eliminating myself from the world. She has cried, and said that I won't be her little girl anymore. I've never been girly, always a "tomboy", so yeah...

It does make me feel guilty when I see it upsets her. But its nothing compared to how guilty I COULDN'T feel if I was dead. Imagine how bad she'd feel then?
Since talking to her more about it, she has helped me with my name change stuff, hiding it from my brother, understands that I will not be coming home after hormones start, and helping me make sure I find a therapist. She is adjusting.

Its the best thing to do for us, that need so badly to feel right. Its better than the ever present alternative. It should be a win-win situation for child and parent, child is alive and happy. parent still has their child, just different than they were before. Everyone changes anyway. 

I hope everyone's friends/parents/partners can someday understand just how much it means to us. We need them, but most importantly, we need ourselves.

Good luck, everyone. Much love <3

[LordKAT]

I feel and felt no guilt about transitioning. I felt concern, but not guilt. This is something that I NEED, not something I want or can live without.  Since I need to do it, why feel guilt?

[lilacwoman]

I really can't understand the thought processes of the parents of detransitioners - do they just block off the transitioned times and behaviour and pretend it never happened or will ever happen again or what?
Or do they think it is no different from the time the very young child wanted to be an astronaut or surgeon or work with sick cats and dogs?

[Forever21Chic]

I really can't understand the thought processes of the parents of detransitioners - do they just block off the transitioned times and behaviour and pretend it never happened or will ever happen again or what?

  Yes at least that's how my family treated the subject....if you don't talk about it then it never happened. 

[Mr.Rainey]

I feel guilty from time to time because of my mom and the fact she isn't okay with me being male. I realize this is my life and I am not going to stay like this just to please her.

[CaptainFantastic]

I feel very guilty at the moment, causing a lot of discomfort to my mother who is
just not able to look me in the eye and tell me what she really thinks; she keeps
making jokes and stuff, but still can't call me at my new name! She keeps saying
you've done so many things in the past and now you do the exact opposite, IO don't
believe it will last! So what! I do this today, the opposite tomorrow - but not with this,
it's been with me ever since I was little, but she never noticed! She really didn't, and
although it's hard to believe, I think it's not even her fault, she's just like that. She'd
say when I came down in a full guy's outfit, to go eating out or stuff, that there are
loads of women dressing in a masculine way...ok, hints of masculinity, you find it every
where in fashion, especially back in the 80s, but she never asked me why I did it!
And still, I feel guilty....how can I do this to her? To society in general? Why can't
I play it by the rules? Things would have been so much easier....really? Don't think so

[wheat thins are delicious]

Her thing is, I came out as a lesbian a year and a half ago and trans a month ago. She thinks it's too soon.

You shouldn't worry with what she thinks is too soon or not soon enough.  This is your life and you have to live it how you see fit. 

[Darrin Scott]

You shouldn't worry with what she thinks is too soon or not soon enough.  This is your life and you have to live it how you see fit.

Thanks Andy. That's what I think, but I do get down about it sometimes and think my mom is right. I just need to get out of that line of thinking. I know I need to be careful and think clearly about this process, but I really want to do it and I feel like I'm ready.