What Would You Do?

[stldrmgrl]

This is a rant post.  I am stressed, I am experiencing levels of anxiety I have not felt in a long time, I am irritable, I am angry and for the first time in my life, I am becoming depressed and losing hope.  This rant is not transgender or transition related, it is about my job and life.

Prior to HRT, I wanted to get into law enforcement.  At the time, I was unable to attend the academy due to financial difficulties (I was not sponsored).  In the meantime, I decided to get a job working armed security in high threat environments to at least get some experience in the field.  Prior to this, I worked LP at a major retail store and before that I worked at the local PD in communications.  Needless to say, for many years, I was interested in the field of legal, security, law enforcement, etc.

After working these jobs and now currently still working armed security, ironically it is not the criminals who have me feeling the way I do, rather the seriousness and drama within the jobs themselves and certain rules/regulations.  I probably would have remained at the local PD, but they laid our department off due to budget cuts and technological improvements; as for working LP, it was cool, but I clashed with my supervisor due to limited scheduling.  Armed security was fun and interesting for the first while, but it got old really quick.  After working these jobs, I am worn out within this field, and especially since beginning HRT, I have no interest whatsoever in this field any longer.  The problem?  Work experience wise, it is all I know.

Currently, I am only being scheduled two days a week.  In the meantime, I have been doing all I can to find a new job, even going so far as to apply for LP positions (which completely contradicts my emotions, but I am desperate).  So far, I have heard nothing back.  I have bills stacking up, I am back living with my dad, my transition has been put on hold and my stress level is just about more than I can handle.  Despite this seeming mostly caused by lack of employment, that is actually only about half of it.

Here is my dilemma.  Even working just two days a week brings in some money to help, but the level of stress and anxiety I accumulate even before going in for my shift simply knowing how much I despise this field, makes me so badly want to quit regardless of the little bit of money I am bringing in.  I want out of this field, completely altogether, out...but I feel trapped.  If I quit, I lose any little bit of money I can get, but on the other hand I can only imagine the level of relief I will endure; I'd no longer feel dragged down or trapped.  I'd be able to actively look for a new job with a better attitude.  I just feel like quitting would almost be the best course of action, but my not-so-risky side is encouraging me to continue working the two days until something new comes along.  The constant back-and-forth bickering thoughts I have going on are certainly not helping my stress level.

I don't know what to do, so I figured I'd post and see what anyone else has to suggest.  Thanks for reading my rant.

[Ayden]

Yikes, that does seem rough. I can understand your worries over money. Even though you are only working those two days, some money is better than nothing at all. However, I would step back and think about how you feel. If this job is causing you as much stress as it seems, then maybe it would be best to completely quit. That being said, how is the economy where you live? I am fortunate in that I live in a place with tons of jobs if one doesn't mind hard labor, but I know that a lot of other places are pretty hard up for jobs.

Are the applications you put in only for LP? Have you thought about finding something temporary until you can get into a job you want? I understand the anxiety over stepping out of comfort zones, I certainly stressed out before I started my current job. A place I would suggest looking would be a college or university if you have one close by. My university hires for all kinds of positions all the time, and even though I live in a conservative state, they have no problems with people transitioning.

My advice (though, I cannot claim to very experienced) would be to look at any schools in the area, and if you have no branched out in your applications, do that. (Almost) any job is better than none, and if you feel really distressed over the one you have now, I don't think it would be healthy to stay there.

And because you seem like you need it, here ya go. 

[stldrmgrl]

... how is the economy where you live? I am fortunate in that I live in a place with tons of jobs if one doesn't mind hard labor, but I know that a lot of other places are pretty hard up for jobs.

It is slow, unfortunately.  I would love to relocate, but that does not seem feasible at this time.

Are the applications you put in only for LP?

No, I would prefer not to work LP, but I am not in a position to be too picky.

A place I would suggest looking would be a college or university if you have one close by. My university hires for all kinds of positions all the time, and even though I live in a conservative state, they have no problems with people transitioning.

I'll look into it again.  Last time I checked jobs at my local college, they were seeking only professors.

And because you seem like you need it, here ya go. 

aw, thank you


EDIT:  I submitted my two weeks notice yesterday.  After fainting the night before last at work then coming home horribly nauseated, I decided I could not take it anymore.