Girlfriend vs women who see me as male

[malinkibear]

Hey guys,
I've been having trouble lately. Well, sort of. Last year I finally acknowledged being trans, and told my girlfriend. She's been okay about it, but whenever the conversation turned to be starting therapy and HRT, she'd stick her head in the sand. She still does, and so I've not gone anywhere. Just do my best to pass as well as I can and a lot of lurking on Susans.

A new year at uni started in September, and with that I met a bunch of new friends and my girlfriend went on a year abroad. Now here's the thing that's disconcerting me. My new friends call me Harry, and see me as male. They know I'm female bodied (it's the voice after first glance, apparently), but began calling me Harry and using male pronouns before I even asked them to. In fact, I've never asked them to, and it's awesome. I love the feeling. My old friends get confused about it, but have so far not spoken to me about it. It's going to be an awkward conversation further down the line.

My girlfriend told me the other day that I'll make her friends "uncomfortable" and that she doesn't like the idea of referring to me as a guy because she feels like she's lying. I feel like I can't go ahead with starting to transition without alienating, and losing, her, but I'm so unhappy stuck like this. Especially now I'm actually seen and treated as male by friends, the thought of burying the feelings away and living as a butch lesbian kills me. I'm an energetic, cheeky, straight guy. Why my girlfriend finds it so hard to accept that, while people who have only known me for weeks are supportive, is beyond me.

[Wesley_33]

You need to do you and make you happy. Your life isn't about making everyone else happy cause it just won't happen. If you're ready to take the next step do it than. There are people out there who support you. Don't let one person hold you back from being happy!!!

[JohnAlex]

I agree with Wesley.

I know you have feelings for her.  but you know you'll be much happier in the long even if you had to break up with her and find someone else who accepts you.
I honestly believe that some people just can't accept it.  no matter what.
I think that our experiences in life, as well as our personalities, help shape who we are.  and some people had experiences and personality which allow them to be more able to accept ->-bleeped-<-.  and some people just don't have it.

I don't know which your girlfriend is.
You could try educating her.  you could have her watch movies/documentaries, attend support groups with you, talk to other transguys.  Maybe have her speak to your therapist, if you have one or will have one.  I know my therapist said he would speak to any of my family members for me.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I'd dump her.  That would probably make me an ->-bleeped-<- but if she was saying things like this

My girlfriend told me the other day that I'll make her friends "uncomfortable" and that she doesn't like the idea of referring to me as a guy because she feels like she's lying.

I'd feel that reason enough. 

[malinkibear]

I'd dump her.  That would probably make me an ->-bleeped-<- but if she was saying things like this

I'd feel that reason enough. 

Yeah, that caused quite a few tears on my part. She felt bad about it, though.

She's fine with the concept of ->-bleeped-<-... just not in her backyard, I think. She considers herself a lesbian, even though I was the first "girlfriend" she's ever had and a string of boyfriends she was genuinely interested in. I keep telling myself I have to do things for me, but I've been such a twat in the past, and we've both put so much into this relationship.
It doesn't help that I have a little crush on a straight friend right now, and I'm pretty sure she's crushing on me right back. Makes me feel hella guilty and awesome all at once, y'know? Of course I'm not considering cheating, but experiencing straight women being into me for me is such a nice feeling.

[ForWantOf]

It doesn't help that I have a little crush on a straight friend right now, and I'm pretty sure she's crushing on me right back. Makes me feel hella guilty and awesome all at once, y'know? Of course I'm not considering cheating, but experiencing straight women being into me for me is such a nice feeling.

This might not be the world's greatest advice, but if you do break up with your girlfriend, and the straight girl is really into you, that would be really good on your part. It would probably help you a lot to focus less on the breakup and more so on your life and living it the way you want, as a male, without anything holding you back.

I can't see you leaving your current girlfriend as anything but a good life experience, unless she's willing to accept you as who you are.

[Sharky]

I would definitely break up with her and pursue the other girl.
Why waste eachother time if you're not compatible?

[Mr.Rainey]

I would definitely break up with her and pursue the other girl.
Why waste eachother time if you're not compatible?

^ This.

[lilacwoman]

teenage romances don't last - six of the GGs laserists, electrologists and hairdressers I know at the two salons I use are all single mothers after 16/18 year old romances and marriages fizzled out when their guys grew up, apart and felt the need to go boozing and chasing girls with their buddies.

your friend will never accept you and that will poison the relationship so just write her a letter: 'I gotta move on and into adult male life, been nice knowing you. goodbye'.

[malinkibear]

teenage romances don't last - six of the GGs laserists, electrologists and hairdressers I know at the two salons I use are all single mothers after 16/18 year old romances and marriages fizzled out when their guys grew up, apart and felt the need to go boozing and chasing girls with their buddies.

your friend will never accept you and that will poison the relationship so just write her a letter: 'I gotta move on and into adult male life, been nice knowing you. goodbye'.

Did you go check my age on my profile? Even if you did, she's 25, we've been together for two years already, it's not like I'm sixteen and we've been going out for a few months. I find you calling her my "friend", despite me clearly saying she's my girlfriend, kinda disrespectful.

I would definitely break up with her and pursue the other girl.
Why waste eachother time if you're not compatible?

Nah, it's just a crush. Definitely more in love with the idea of being liked as a boyfriend than I am with her. Not to say she isn't a lovely girl, of course.

[lilacwoman]

you're the one being disrespectful by sniffing around other girls.

make a clean break and move off into male life so you can chase other girls...

your lesbian g/f won't accept you changing over because lesbians want women.
you like being seen and treated as male,
you don't want to be seen as butch dyke,
your lesbian g/f and her lesbian friends don't like TS,

move on and be happy or stick and be miserable,

it's almost the same situation as most TS have to resolve or get resolved for them.

[malinkibear]

you're the one being disrespectful by sniffing around other girls.

make a clean break and move off into male life so you can chase other girls...

your lesbian g/f won't accept you changing over because lesbians want women.
you like being seen and treated as male,
you don't want to be seen as butch dyke,
your lesbian g/f and her lesbian friends don't like TS,

move on and be happy or stick and be miserable,

it's almost the same situation as most TS have to resolve or get resolved for them.

Who are you, the resident troll, or something?

[lilacwoman]

susans is a forum for opinionating so I opinionate even though some of my opinions may be unacceptable.

but what about you disrespecting the girl?

[elliott]

susans is a forum for opinionating so I opinionate even though some of my opinions may be unacceptable.

but what about you disrespecting the girl?

-Yes this is a forum which allows a base for people's opinions, but this thread is for constructive advice, not condescending criticism. He's not disrespecting anyone, if anything the people not accepting him for who he is, and people like you making judgments upon false premise are disrespecting him. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

[Shana A]

A reminder 

15. Items under discussion shall be confined to the subject matter at hand, members shall avoid taking the other users posts personally, and/or posting anything that can reasonably be construed as a personal attack.

[Wesley_33]

He never said its anything other than a crush. Big deal. The real issue is still his current girlfriend not being ok with him being him. Again all I can say to it is do what makes you happy. Sucks to lose a love but how deep is that love if you can't be the true you.

[Jasper1408]

You've still got 60+ years ahead of you. I broke up with my girlfriend right when I started my transition. Not because she didn't respect it, but just because the relationship had run its course.

It was sooooooo much easier for me to begin living life the way I wanted to once that relationship was out of the picture. I gave myself a couple of months, fooled around with new girls, and then went back to rekindle a friendship with my ex. Now she's one of the few people whose opinions I can genuinely trust.

Don't let your life be forced into misery just because someone else is unhappy.

[Darrin Scott]

Don't let your life be forced into misery just because someone else is unhappy.

This. What I need to hear today. Sorry to hijack.

[Jasper1408]

This. What I need to hear today. Sorry to hijack.

Keep that in mind, man. I lived my life for a year and half completely miserable just because I was trying to make someone else happy. Live for yourself.

[Kadencat]

I'm not going to tell you to break up with her or stay with her.  What i'm going to tell you is this: getting past this is going to take MAJOR work and its only for those willing to commit to it.  So the question is...do you think SHE is willing to make major strides to accept your transition and work on your relationship? Are YOU willing to commit to working on it? Actively working on it instead of just appeasing her by playing the role of butch lesbian?
I think thats the best advice I can give.

-kade