Hello Beckster -
i'm only responding to this simply because i have had to deal with this issue a lot - but then, frankly, i'm at the point sometimes that i am simply not gonna care whether people are going to read me in certain situations.
This is actually one of those times - -
Some here may strongly disagree, but that is not going to stop me from doing what i need to do - so pucker up and do what you are gonna need to do to take care of yourself...
In our community, we have a nice little fitness center with a pool - nice locker rooms, and a nice workout room full of all kinds of equipment - it's not quite the same as joining a public gym, but has many similar pitfalls and challenges.... This is a pretty big community, so there are a lot of people that use the gym and pool with a great deal of regularity...in every age group and culture that i can think of - this is a very international place....
If, as you said, you're reasonably sure that you are going to pass under almost any circumstance - this is excellent - and will likely serve you very well, depending on where in the country you live and what the prevailing attitudes are like there -
Once i started, the very real need for me to start taking better physical care of myself, as well as having a really strong desire and motivation to begin helping feminize myself in any way possible...
Physical fitness and having what, to me, is a more feminine and pleasant shape, was of critical importance - and something i can begin working on RIGHT NOW, without having to wait for finances to improve and other parts of the process which take much longer and are very costly (HRT, FFS, etc...) so i took all the risks - and still do...
Since this is a private community, and you have to live here or be a guest to access the facilities - at least that's one layer of "comfort" that worked for me once i started, so you may want to find a place that's fairly quiet if possible - but to be honest, having a full workout while wearing almost any makeup at all simply dosent work for me because i sweat a LOT, and usually spend a good deal of time there - even my style of workouts will sometimes attract some attention whether i like it or not (a LOT of stretching and aerobics) - so here are some things i did and still do.
Since at the beginning, passing was much more of an issue for me, i made sure that all personnel in charge of the community offices were well informed as to my situation - risky - yes i know - but Deb (my S.O.) and i are VERY social people - and everyone here in maintenance and management already knew us fairly well before i ever began transition...
This presented an interesting problem but i walked right into it and didnt hold back - I began to use the facilities in SENSIBLE, CONSERVATIVE, and LOW-KEY ladies' apparel and a baseball cap in earnest, as soon as i began my change...
I was nervous as hell - guts all a'trembling and sweats and all of that - but i simply will NOT be deterred.
I made sure to find a good swimsuit with a wide crotch area for support, one that's plenty tight enough as well that i can hide certain things, and that had a swimskirt(skirtini) for an added layer of concealment.
I made sure that it had comfortably padded cups that were proportional to my size, and would accentuate my bustline well without being too risque' or obvious. I literally went to at least 4 different stores, nicely but comfortably dressed for quick changes in the fitting rooms, also in full makeup, with my hair done, so i could really see exactly what i would be looking like once i started wearing them (as well as not being noticed too much whilst going thru all of that - in fact - i was one of my best shopping experiences ever, and i attracted no undue attention to myself - it was one of those times when i was beginning to truly feel like i could just blend in with all the rest of the girls...)...
In about a week of sometimes stressful and nerve-wracking shopping, i found a good suit and a couple of matching pieces that does very nicely for me - Kohl's, Target, and JC Penney's were my best choices. - - - In fact, so good, that i got a lot of compliments on it from other girlfriends. I can't wait to wear it this summer because of so many positive changes since last year. Now i know exacly what every other woman has ever gone through, trying to find a good swimsuit.
To suit my very girly style, i also found a pretty bright peach and pink beachtowel, (huge size - this helps too) with the "Candies" logo on it... as well as a nice soft , feminine, and very comfortable and unobtrusive wrap in white terry.
Yes - i am that girly as hell....
I wear baseball caps and hats a lot. Amazing how much a hat actually helps divert unwanted attention sometimes. I keep my rings and one of my bracelets on, (at least until i have to get into the pool, then the silver has to go or it will get instantly oxidized and turn black) - as i have nice hands and wrists that look very feminine, which a little basic and sensible low-key jewelry accentuates favorably. I also make sure i am wearing low-key earrings that are not going to fall off or cause discomfort.... Just be smart and as sensible as possible in your clothing and accessory choices...
I would strongly recommend wearing nothing "over the top" that would attract undue attention(s) by seeming incongruent with "normal" female social habits.
We live in a fairly liberal area in some ways, but there are still a lot of country folk (sorry, for lack of a better distinction - many of these areas were recently more rural and traditional Christian and Catholic - , and now more than ever before - - more persons of middle-eastern, dark skinned peoples, and hispanic descent - (which for some reason, I seem to regularly have the greatest difficulty with (actually they seem to openly and obviously have the greatest problem with ME, in fact) based on an ever growing local predominance in my area in the suburbs of DC - it seems true, and it disgusts me because i am NOT a racially biased person at all, and have made close friends with, and worked with people in almost every nationality and culture that i can even think of...
In any case, since when i began, i didnt even have any letters yet from my therapist the first few months, i had to take the risk to talk with management about this - and had almost no hope of passing without some cosmetics - - - fortunately - i was very lucky that we have had some really sweet women and fairly nice (at least polite and professional if nothing else) guys that work in the office here.
For the most part they were very open, receptive, and willing to give me some support because they liked us, and they saw that i was very earnest about it, and I was obviously willing to be very up front with all of them - and i took the time and risk to attempt to intelligently explain things a little to those that seemed more reserved at first due to lack of sufficient knowledge, experience, or understanding with folks like us. I wanted them to have a record should anything happen that i (or they) might need to have our butts covered. I started going immediately thereafter....
...i had neglected physically taking care of myself totally for almost 15 years at that point and was very happy to now have the strongest motivations EVER again in my life to once again start doing so - and that in itself helps take some of the sting off of people's reactions and my own fears - the motivation and related goals about my personal image of more comfortable self-congruence - good physical shape, flexibility, and appearance in general - is so strong that i used THAT to just power through most of my fears about doing all of this....
Here are a few more ideas and personal experiences:
I have since learned that i can use a little bit of very strategically applied cosmetics to help be more passable in this instance, especially the gym - a little waterproof mascara and eyeliner, very light blush, a very light and unobtrusive lip color, and a little waterproof (or water-resistant) foundation or cover up in perfect match of skin tone in certain areas to cover some of the blotchiness i may have on certain facial/neck areas sometimes, as well as the shadow that i used to (so thankfully, no longer now) have had to deal with.
I also go at times of the day (usually 9-11:30AM, midafternoon 1:30-3PM) or late evening (after 9PM) that the gym or pool will probably not be as busy as others.. This will obviously help limit exposure somewhat.
I only talk to others if i have to or if it would seem rude not to acknowledge others in the gym or pool at the time i am there. Although there have also been times when i just wanted to be friendly and open because my gut instinct told me to push through the fear of being read and just accept where i was and still am, as well as doing my best to help as many mainstream people as possible have a better understanding of one simple fact: I am an intelligent, loving, serious, open, feeling, and thinking person, just like them - just like all of you - just like all of us - no matter what the "differences"...
There are people that regularly have seen me and some of them will even turn around and walk out of the gym rather than stay around while i am there - i think they are ignorant hateful jerks and it pisses me off - but oh well - can't win every battle.... and i stay no matter what and finish my business. Sometimes i have seen the shared smirky glances of others between themselves, the fearful looks in the eyes of others, the discomfort of an uncomfortable silence - the need for some to unabashedly stare...or glare..... It's not pretty, and it's still been rarely anything like 100% comfortable, but this is the reality of my real life experience thus far, if "passing" is ever an issue - as it has been for me in these first 2-3 years of "full-time" just finally LIVING MY life...
When in the locker room - i don't dawdle, and make sure that i have everything i need,
should it be a time of the year that i will going to be using both the gym and pool in the same timeframe.
I Make sure i am well concealed as necessary, and wear fairly conservative and very comfortable outfits and good shoes almost all of the time. (although that has improved slightly with time, and i'm willing to take bigger risks in that area now that i have made some comfortably significant improvements in my general appearance, physique, voice, and comfortably natural movement - honestly i have found - always was natural for me, but so deeply "edited" for so many years, it's like back unpeeling the laters of untruth like an onion....).
I wear plain sweatjackets and regular large or XL t-shirts - usually in whites, pinks, and black of course - looks better against fair skin and help to draw in the appearance as well - I finally dared something like leotards/bike pant style only in the last few months... Made sure i have a t-shirt to go with that well long enough to cover just above the thighs -
If i have to shower, i never take off my swimsuit if that is what i am wearing. If i have to change, i find a private stall and use it, having everything on hand in as small quanitity as possible for a very quick change. Otherwise, i wait to shower when i get back home (i understand that may not be possible for you, depending on where you live, the layout of the gym/pool area, and/or your regular schedule in relation to the location of your gym).
I am sure thus far that there are at least a few nasty people that have gone straight to the office after seeing me in the gym or pool area, but apparently they (office staff) have done quite well for me as i have never heard any negative feedback from them about it afterwards..
Again, i am quite lucky in this regard, but having been straight up front in the beginning,
really seems to have made all the difference.
I have even made a couple of friends that i run into with fair regularity that seem to accept where i am - and have gotten more receptive as time has gone by. I try to be warm, unafraid, intellgent, and well-spoken as possible at all times, and this often makes a positive difference in terms of others' reactions. I always say hi and introduce myself to the lifeguard(s) in a very casual, low-key (no one else is in earshot) way if i dont know them.
Here at our pool, they have a table by the pool with a big umbrella, a radio, and they hang out together with
some community members sometimes. It's a fairly small pool, so getting lost in the crowd is not really an option.
Going with someone else, especially a girlfriend(s) (if possible) can be a big help, as this obviously validates things for you in the public eye to a certain extent, as well as helping to be much more unobtrusive and blending in just like everyone else...
I don't know what your voice is like - obviously whatever you feel you might need to do to improve that can be a huge help in terms of just blending in. I became friends with neighbors on both sides of us in the last couple of years, and they are both families with small children. One is a full-time mom and the other was a working mom (just recently moved away - sucks) but had time during many days to go to the pool with me in the summer - we all became pool buddies, and would go together as often as possible.
If they were there already, i'd go straight to their table and umbrella on the pool deck as soon as i walked out of the locker room - to be publicly greeted by my girlfriends (again - validation in the public eye which adds an important protective layer, especially if you're hanging out with moms with little kids that other people can obviously see you are well-trusted with). I was even asked to watch the children sometimes while they were in the pool, or of course, play with them too while all in the water together - i even helped one of the little girls learn how to hold her breath better and not be so scared of going underwater..... I spend a lot of time actually swimming, and as much of that underwater, as i can manage (will be easier now that my hairs grown much longer since last year...Besides, under the water is a good place to "hide" if i really felt the need to for any reason.
If i was at the pool first - they would always come directly to me on the deck, making it quite obvious i had friends with total acceptance. We would also leave together, which adds another protective layer of public-eye validation as i'd go thru the locker room and showers with them upon leaving the area - sometimes even pushing one of the strollers myself so that they would have hands free for opening the doors while carrying all the bags and toys for the babies...
- just normal, everyday female social blending and bonding - never over the top - just relaxed and as casual as possible at all times. If i thought people were staring - i never stared back or engaged them negatively - just held my head high (maybe smiled with brief and earnest eye contact), shoulders back, and walk with as much normal and girly grace as possible.
As my mom once said to me just in the last six months, "knockers up, baby".... (she's one of the best things in my life)..
Her grandmother used to say that to her when she was growing up...
It simply means just buck up, be a girl, hold your head high, and take it like a good woman, no matter what comes...
I made sure that the office staff had copies of all my letters from my therapist/doctors as soon as i had them in my hands - and I stressed the change of name as well as helpful PRONOUN awareness to them, from the very beginning.
This was one of the first things i did as soon as i was able - again - covering our butts, and validating my position in a realistic way. I also carried copies of my letters in my gym bag at all times as soon as i had them. Now that i have legal ID that actually has an "F" on it, i make sure that is with me at all times.
Noticeably avoiding eye contact would probably be another tip that may set some people off or raise suspicions if trying to pass is your only option. Sometimes it's just the opposite depending on who's looking at your face, and how comfortable i am within myself at that moment, which is like animal instinctive reactions to other people's personal states...
That's all i can think of for now. You must know the area in which you live, and weigh the necessary risks to accomplish what you need to do for yourself every day. Work out at home as much as possible if this is an option that be more comfortable for you sometimes.
I am one of these people that truly dosen't care sometimes if others read me, and honestly, sometimes, even want them to because i am proud and happy and respectful of myself inside in ways that most i think will never even possibly comprehend for themselves, much less anyone else...
And - i definitely have a "you can all go to hell" attitude sometimes as well, which i know some will think is risky, and possibly even a poor example - but that for me personally is another issue that has more to do with my own willingness to confront or try to help to change conventional attitudes about the need for "passing" overall in general.
For some reason, in some way, i feel that this still represents bowing to "conventional" standards of what must represent gender or sexual identity, and that the right of unhindered freedom of any human being to have positive self-expression without fear of death and reprisal should be the standard, and not the exception to all the rules... would'nt that be so nice.... anyway, OK, i'll put away the soap dish for now...
Hope this helps. Please be careful as you see fit, willing, and able, and very best of luck.
Lovingly and most sincerely always,
ChefAnnagirl
