Dating, and the inevitable truth

[Terra]

I was talking to one of my friends and we somehow got on the topic of how I would handle dating, especially when it came to a guy. My take on the situation was that I would wait untill I got a feel for the guy, and if he did something like kiss me first, well, thats on him. After  my past experiences of coming out, I would prefer to wait untill I was sure the guy/girl would at least have an open mind about it, if they wern't already guessing from other clues. I would only reveal the fact i'm trans if I really had to, but not if I can help it. I'd be creative in how I told the truth.

His rebuttle was that he would prefer that someone like me would tell him first. They would go back to friends, but he wouldn't freak like he would if later down the road someone told him. He conceded it was narrow minded, but that is how he felt on it. He would like to know, up front, and truthfully.

So, what is your opinion, and why? If you are bi or whatever, do you have different opinions to handle different sexes? Who do you think takes it better.

[Jonie]

Doesn't it ultimately come down to how important this information is to the person you tell it to. If the person makes it a point to make it known that they don't care about such issues then how important is the truth in this case. It is possible for me to use up every minute of your life telling you only the truth about things, so obviuosly we have to be selective about what we say, even if it's the truth. Or am I rationalizing, will somebody please tell me the truth?

[Debbie_Anne]

I honestly can't answer that one right now...because sometimes we say one thing and then we go and do something else.  Love can be a powerful emotion, and sometimes we may do things we said we wouldn't in order to keep from losing someone...so it is difficult to say.

[cindianna_jones]

You need to play it by ear. But I believe that if you have any intentions of ever being serious, you should be upfront before any intimate contact. Intimacy under "false pretenses" will backfire on you.  Your partner deserves to know, for he/she will ultimately find out as your relationship matures. It's best coming from you than from other source.

[Melissa]

I think the answer may be different between being pre-op and post-op.  I will answer for how I feel with being pre-op.  Having tried being with guys both with not having them know and being upfront with them, I am inclined to agree with your friend.  I know it is possible to find a guy who would love you even knowing you are TS.  I think to increase your chances of success, it will depend on how you look at the time.  Attraction for guys is more of a physical component (how attractive you are) than conceptual (what you are).  Another way to increase your success is how much you like yourself and how your personality is.  If a guy thinks you look attractive and really likes your personality, he may be able to overlook what you have in your pants for a while until surgery.  I think as humans, the fact that you are showing them respect, you become even more attractive.  Another thing is when they stick around and you aren't hiding anything, it makes the whole thing so much better because you can relax and realize he likes you for who you are.

As for post-op, this same philosophy may work, but having he would be freaking out because of something in the past rather than what you have now.  I will let you know when I figure this one out.

Melissa

[Julie Marie]

This discussion has happened a lot lately.  I'm not dating anyone right now but if I was and they didn't know about my past I feel it's none of their business.  If the relationship got really serious I might reconsider that.  If they asked if I was born male I'd tell the truth.  I won't lie but I won't volunteer that information.  I look at it like this, if I was dating someone who was horribly deformed and was able to have surgeries to correct the deformity, they have no need to tell me of their past.  I want to judge them for who they are now and not what they looked like in the past.  And I expect the same from anyone important in my life.

Julie

[kiddancer]

Lie.