Question for those who work in a large building - restrooms

[JesseO]

Maybe the title is not quite correct, but whatever. I need bathroom situation help (again). I work at a very large office. We have about 1200 employees total, approx 600 there at any given time. There are two men's restrooms, two women's restrooms. One of each right next to each other on one side of the building, one of each right next to each other on the other side. I've worked where I work for a few years now and have been in a few different departments. Point - I know A LOT of people there and A LOT of people know me. Even if they don't know me by name, I stand out. I don't mean this in a paranoid way - it's true, and many situations have proven that to me. I am heavily tattooed, alternative hairstyle/look, etc. I am easily recognizable. I still use the female restroom, and 99% of the time it goes fine. Eventhough I am passing maybe 75%+ of the time, they know me...and know I am female (grr), so it's okay. On the rare occasion someone will look up and see me out the corner of their eye and think oh no! dude in the women's room!!! but then realize its me, and its all dandy. It usually is one of those "haha, you scared me for a second, how are you?" kind of moments. The only time I really have issues is if we have trainers, associates from other offices, new people...people who don't know me/of me/are used to me, come in. I had a lady run out of the bathroom screaming once....yeah.  AWKWARD. Anyway....I don't know what to do about using the men's room. It will be the same situation...I may (hopefully) pass as a dude, but they KNOW I'm not (you know what I mean here). Also, it's not like the rooms are separate at all...where women won't see me go into the men's room. I just fear the awkwardness. And I know there will never be a time when I can walk in and it not have people. I mean - do the math, theres two men's rooms and two women's rooms for the whole building. I think I may have been alone in the restroom a handful of times in over four years, and that was because I went in immediately after the cleaning lady was done. This gives me so much anxiety that I really have thought about quitting my job...which...I mean is obviously not a good idea. I just don't know what to do. My job does offer work from home options for those who are meeting all their goals (which I am) but my manager won't approve it, even temporarily, because I can't just "hide from the world because I'm transgendered".

If you were me, would you just go for it? I don't want to be standing in the guys room and someone who knows me be like...uhhh why are you in here??

[Adio]

So your manager knows you're trans?  Have you asked them about using the men's bathroom?  Like, express your concerns and desire to switch restrooms.  They may have some advice or a way to help transition to using the men's restroom.  Are you out at all to your co-workers?

[Zach R]

Are you out as trans at work?  I just went through announcing my name and gender change at work.  Part of the announcement to managers included informing them I will be using the men's room from now on.  The managers passed the info onto their employees.   It was also stated if they had any concerns to speak to HR.

[JesseO]

Adio - we actually have human resources policies regarding transition and it pretty much is that the employee should use the restroom that corresponds to the gender they are presenting as.

My manager knows, and said whenever I am ready to use the men's room...I can, I just need to be consistant. Either always use the men's or always the women's. Some people on my team know. Once my name change is official then we will be having a meeting with my group. The problem is that other teams would not be involved in this, only the ten other people I work with directly.

There really is no way for me to be out to everyone I know at the building. Some people I see only occasionally, some people daily, monthly etc. It's not an option to send a mass email to the building or anything like that, nor would I want to. Other sites have more than one floor, and multiple bathrooms. When I visited other sites, I have used the men's room because I just went up the floor we didn't work on. At this location where I am permanently, there is no out of the way bathroom or anything.

It may help if I give a little more detail. I work for a very large bank in their foreclosure department. We have a associates, team leads, team managers, unit leads, department leads, then 2 site leads. So...I am an associate under one team lead, who has a team manager who has a unit lead who has other managers under one department lead. There are some people in the foreclosure area I have no contact with at all, don't know their names, my manager or unit lead has no association with them, only our department lead does. Our single floor building houses foreclosure, bankruptcy, escalated concerns, loss mitigation, account reconciliation and collections. I have at one point or another worked in almost all of these departments. I guess I don't know how to go about this when there are so many people who know I am a female who looks like a guy (in their minds), but we are not direct coworkers/friends/etc...just acquaintances?

[JohnAlex]

My job does offer work from home options for those who are meeting all their goals (which I am) but my manager won't approve it, even temporarily, because I can't just "hide from the world because I'm transgendered".

Wait, that quote, is that what your manager said?  Basically, he won't let you work from home because you are transgendered?  That sounds like discrimination.  I'd threaten him with that.
Tell him either you work from home, or you have his support in using the men's restroom.

Am I guessing correcting that you are out to your boss as trans, but not everyone knows you there as trans?  Maybe it's time to come out more.  I've heard of bosses who make announcements at staff meetings, just to let everyone know that you are male now and going to be using the restroom and there shouldn't be any problems.

[Adio]

Hmm...I'm not sure there's an easy answer here.  Especially because the company is so large and you're very recognizable.  But I think it can still be done if you can put up with some awkwardness at first.  If I were in that situation, I'd first tell all of my team and try to get their support.  After that, word is likely to spread just by the nature of the job--lots of employees means lots of gossiping.  Start using the men's room consistently and if necessary, briefly explain the situation and suggest whoever talk to HR (or your manager, etc) if they have any concerns.

That's pretty much all I have.  It isn't perfect and would require you being out at work, but that's almost a given if you transition on the job.  Good luck!

[wheat thins are delicious]

There are a lot of people where I work too.  I came out and was working as male (while being forced into the women's) for a long time (like 8 months) before I could use the men's.  I dealt with my name in a way I would have dealt with the bathroom had I been allowed to use the men's as soon as I came out.  When a person would come up and call me my birthname in greeting or something I would say, "hey, you probably don't know this but I go by Andy now, and male pronouns.  I'm not mad (I had to add this part in cause some folks took it so personally) I know I haven't told you till now" 

I suggest using the men's and handling it that way.  Answer any questions they have, within reason.  I mean folks asked me if I had "the surgery" or how I pissed, sitting or standing, a whole variety of things.  Either they will confront you about it (and you can handle it) or they will confront a manager (who will hopefully handle it)

I'm sure it will all be fine.  I've only been using the men's room for a few months, been working as male 10 months, and I'm sure everyone here, even those who started after I was deep into transition know about me because rumors and any gossip flies quick here.  But I was in the men's earlier washing my hands and a coworker came in and went to the urinal so it's obvious he's not letting anything he may know about my past life stand in the way of how he views/treats me. 


TL;DR:  Start using the men's if you are presenting male.  Handle any questioners courteously yet in a way that lets them know this is how it is from now on. 

[Felix]

Yeah I agree with Andy. Just be who you feel you are, and act accordingly.

I found that personally the more comfortable I am in myself the less I care whether I pass and how people feel about it. If I get a funny look in the bathroom, whatever. Ditto for funny looks or questions anywhere else. I try mainly to look out for situations where I might get jeered at or beat up. Those I get careful about.

You have the right to use the men's room if you are a man, regardless what other people have seen of you up until now.

[JesseO]

Wait, that quote, is that what your manager said?  Basically, he won't let you work from home because you are transgendered?  That sounds like discrimination.  I'd threaten him with that.
Tell him either you work from home, or you have his support in using the men's restroom.

Am I guessing correcting that you are out to your boss as trans, but not everyone knows you there as trans?  Maybe it's time to come out more.  I've heard of bosses who make announcements at staff meetings, just to let everyone know that you are male now and going to be using the restroom and there shouldn't be any problems.

Yes to everything. I should probably bring it up again. My workplace is weird. Some of their policies are great others...well their great in theory. No such announcement is allowed because they do consider being trans as a medical condition, therefore, announcing it is not an option. Like...I am glad they take it seriously, but at the same time its aggravating how pc they are.

Andy, Adio, Felix...thanks for the input. I guess I just need to go for it. It's just so scary. Using the men's room in some public place is fine with me...I'll never see these people again, and I feel like it's safe for people to assume that person in the guys room = dude.

[Paul]

I guess I should be glad that I work in a Residence Home so the bathrooms are all gender neutral.  I mean we have a "mens' side" and a "ladies' side" of the house and there are bathrooms in both, but anyone, especially staff, can use either bathroom and it's not an issue.  I just started at this new house though and came out to my Manager and her boss when they called to offer me the position so they've known since the beginning and they've been really good about saying Paul rather than even PJ and using the proper pronouns so even if they bathrooms were gender specific I don't think it'd be an issue. 

[kyle_lawrence]

Like Paul, I'm really lucky with the bathroom situation at my job.  We have a couple gender specific large bathrooms with stalls, but there are also a lot of gender neutral single bathrooms spread around the buildings, so I havn't had to deal with getting weird looks while in the womens room.  I'm already the weird one at work with a bunch of piercings and tattoos, and all the permamnent employees have figured out that I'm "female" but it gets a little interesting when all the seasonal temps come back.

I do kind of enjoy the confused looks some people give me sometimes though.  I work as a supervisor in the call center for a catalog company, and during our busy season (like right now before christmas) we will have seasonal temps spread out on the phones between 3-4 rooms.  Today I was the lead in one of the rooms, and someone was asking one of my floor leads (basically my second in command) if they could go on lunch, and she says "Miranda's the room lead today, you have to ask her" and points toward my desk.  The kid stands there looking at me for a minute with the most confused look on his face before he finally comes over and is like "Are you the one I can ask about going on lunch?"  I'm out to my floor lead, so she was watching the whole thing, and as soon as the kid walked away from my desk we both looked at each other and started laughing.