I can relate. My first session with a gender therapist is tomorrow and as it gets closer I can just feel myself going from up to down. One minute I'm positive that I'll have a panic attack during the session and the rest of the time I'm resolute and sure that this is what I need to do.
Just to share a little bit of something that's been helping me - music. I've been looking for songs that cater to my mood at the time and give me company. For example, when I'm feeling especially restless and angsty, the song "Creep" by Radiohead is a self-indulgent fest of silent screaming (or loud, broken singing if I'm in the shower) of self loathing. It's a technique I've used in the past to cope with extreme bouts of dysphoria, and for me it works quite well.
In my better times, I play most of the album "This Business of Art" by Tegan and Sara. They wrote it when they were in the early stages of coming out as lesbians and the songs can translate well (no pun intended
). Specifically, the song "Proud" makes me think "I don't care what anyone thinks" and "Freedom" lets me know "This is what I want, freedom from being so sad and locked up inside myself."
Just a few examples I've found in my own cd collection that help. Possibly too much personal information, but try it out and find what works for you. Music therapy is a pretty big field, and I'm no expert. Although, I am a hobbyist/enthusiast and it helps me get through the day. I guarantee that tomorrow I'll be playing that album on loop before my meeting.
