when and how to come out of stealth?

[envie]

In short, I have been living full time for a little more than a year and I pass. Slowly there is more people who don't know I was ever male and ironically I am back in the closet. Since 4 months ago I've been staying at home with my daughter and we do all kinds of kids activities including meeting other moms and organizing play dates.
This is all great, some of the moms are turning out to become my friends. And that is exactly where my challenge starts. When and how do I tell them about my past.
See, we have bonded over the motherhood, I am staying at home with my daughter and they are staying home with their children. I really do treasure our developing friendship but as we are getting to know each other better I feel like I have to drop the wall that I put up to hide my past. I got invited by one mom to do some creative writing together. I am really psyched about it but I feel the lump in my throat growing too. There is no point in censoring myself in a creative writing session while trying to bond. I am not ashamed of my past or anything like that I am just afraid of rejection or if these moms would all the sudden see me in a different light.
Any suggestions, your experiences or observations that you might want to share?

[eli77]

Um... well, they will see you differently if you disclose. That's just how it goes. That doesn't mean they'll reject you (though that's possible too), but "trans" is still a really big thing unfortunately... and not many people can absorb that without changing how they see you.

I guess I'm wondering why you feel you need to disclose. It's not the kind of thing I'd tell a group of people, especially not a group I don't know incredibly well. It's a bit like talking about my suicide attempts. It's... private, and definitely not something I'm willing to share with someone who isn't close / in a similar situation.

Honestly, if you don't know them well enough to know they won't reject you... maybe it's too soon to tell 'em? Everyone has their things they keep private. Have they been sharing that kind of intimate stuff with you?

[envie]

thanks for you reply Sarah

I got invited to do some creative writing together. One of the rules is that you write uncensored, what ever crosses your mind and in that way process your subconscious thoughts. Then you read the writings to each other and share your observations about the material.
I've already visited, unrelated to this situation, a 2 month long free creative writing workshop with other moms about motherhood and i was out in that group which proved to be absolutely necessary in order to make some sense of taking the workshop. Everyone was accepting in that class but no woman was really my private friend either.

Like you said, some things are private and I've kept my transition private thus far but it is no easy task and it is hard to make a bond with other people if one has to keep it all secret.
For instance, I got into conversation with two moms few weeks ago and upon them learning that I am not my daughter's birth mom they were flabbergasted how much my daughter looked like me. Then one of the moms got a smirk in her face and i thought she read me. Then she said, I get it, you donated your egg to your partner who carried out the pregnancy. I left it at that but is turns my stomach around to live with these false notions and then I have to work on other lies in order to keep the story logical.
Living with these false assumptions is straining over time and I am trying to see how other people have handled this type of situations. People also assume that I have husband but if I choose to come out they think I am in a lesbian relationship, which I am not. It gets really messy after a while.
I did come out to two moms in the past and it did not go well. I've never heard from them again which is why I kept my mouth shut since then but like I said I feel sort of pressed against the wall with this recent evolution of friendships and relationships.

[Renee D]

I've thought about this a lot lately. I do know for sure that most anyone will see you differently if you tell them you are trans or they find out through someone else.  And telling them will likely make it seem like some dark hidden secret and a bigger deal than it should be. I've figured its best to just not do it. People don't need to know a lot of details about your past to be your friend. So I've gotten to where that if they can't see it for themselves, then the heck with it. I'm taking the stance that most everyone should figure iit out if they spend much time with me because I think it ought to be somewhat obvious if it was something they gave a damn about. I'm not going to point out that the sky is blue, so I figure why point out that I'm trans. might be a weird way to deal with it, but it works for me.

I'm making friends with a few women who are mothers of young children and its not been an issue, they know I don't have any kids of my own and they haven't been very nosy about why or anything. When I refer to past marriages, I ungender(degender? something like that, lol) them without even thinking about it.

And really, maybe we often get into the same mindset that many cisgender people have that trans people are deceiving others when they don't wear their approved sign stating what they are. I've been trying hard to set that aside and just go on with life as me instead of worrying about the past.

[Ellieka]

This is something I think about often myself. Usually I adopt the "need to know" stance. Unless someone absolutely needs to know I don't tell them

If I'm with my kids around other mothers I let my kids decide what to disclose. If they want to tell someone that I'm their dad then that's perfectly ok with me. I don't care about being outed by my kids. Another example was one time my girls wanted to go shopping and I offered to let their girlfriends come along but on the condition that I met their parents and made sure the other parents knew that I was trans and that they were ok with their kids coming with me.

I always consider who will be affected and how by my disclosure or non disclosure before telling. Whichever has the lesser potential of damage is the one I choose.

[envie]

thanks everyone for you replies!

One of the woman who is going be part of the group knows I am trans. The other doesn't but she is closer friend.
I guess it is this part that is the issue for me:

I got invited to do some creative writing together. One of the rules is that you write uncensored, what ever crosses your mind and in that way process your subconscious thoughts. Then you read the writings to each other and share your observations about the material.

Since my transition is really interwoven into every other aspect of my life there is really no way of me avoiding the topic. See, the Idea  and motivation to do this together is to have exchange and not hide. They all have stuff they need to process except that the stuff I need to process is my relationship to my family in regards to my transition.
I don't feel motivated to do some made up writing that is going to be "safe" to explore. Also I wonder if the woman that does know I am trans will just assume that everybody knows and out me accidentally.  On the other hand it feels awkward to ask her to keep it for herself. The Idea is to open up and explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. 3 woman, 3 mothers with pens in their hand and ready to share.
I am considering to just come out in one of my writings and let the situation take its natural flow.

I understand what everyone said about not sharing your trans identity unless really necessary and I've been living just like that but this activity is about opening up in an intimate setting. It's just that my story I need to write about is a bit unconventional and reveals a life path seldom taken in the mainstream society.
thanks again for all your thoughts!

[eli77]

I am considering to just come out in one of my writings and let the situation take its natural flow.

Under the circumstances, this is what I'd go with then. It will make it seem more... just a part of you, and less a big secret being disclosed.

[Diane Elizabeth]

      You feel a need to come out to everyone?  Reminds me of my ex.  She is bi-polar and when she checks out at the store she tells everyone that she is sorry for taking so long in paying for her stuff, "I have bi-polar" (something like that).  Why would you tell the world something that is none of their business is what I asked her.  Never got any answer.    I ask you why also.  but it is your choice.  Good luck, I am sure they will be okay with it.  Maybe not when they talk about their personal stuff now that you are seen differently.

[envie]

I don't have a bi-polar disorder. I do not feel a need to share my trans identity with everyone.
I get a feeling you haven't read my previous post.
Women, especially mothers, tend to develop very intimate relationships. It's the isolation of a home stay mom, the piles of laundry, the kids needs, tantrums, sleepless nights that mothers bond over.
It is about having a close relationship with your peers. I have superficial relationships with the people out there and they don't need to know details of my life but I crave for closeness. Now that I have an opportunity I want to engage in deeper friendships just like any other woman or mother out there. I got invited to join the writing group because I am being liked and because these woman feel the same need as I do, to bond and share support. This is what it is all about.
And bonding on false assumptions and secrets is not really bonding. I am per- op, shall I also lie that I have my period next time I get invited to the women's spa?

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

My personal view is if they don't have any involvement with my medical needs, or if they are not paying my bills: They simple have no need to know.

[JoanneB]

My wife has been doing deep stealth for some 30 years now. The plain simple fact is that you were always a woman. Girls growing up usually do a lot of the same things as boys. Especially if you were the first born. When you talk about your past you aren't lying changing a pronoun here or there.

As you probably know after a year full time, after a while, it becomes automatic. Far different than the first time you were asked a detail, like "Where is your husband?" and your brain freezes up Jackie Gleason style while you tell yourself over and over "Don't say She......" 

[justmeinoz]

Will they respect a statement that there is something in your past that is too stressful to approach at the moment, but you might feel comfortable opening up about at a later date? 
They wouldn't try to force someone to write about being raped would they? If so then they are not the sort of people I would want to be around.

Karen.

[envie]

Yes, I have been switching the pronouns on the fly, I now days rather expect these situation as oppose to be surprised by them.
At first I thought it was entertaining to juggle all these false assumptions but as the time goes by it disgusts me more and more.

They wouldn't want me to write about the stuff that I can't handle either but my transition is the stuff I need to write about.
I am finding myself back in the closet again, only this time it's the closet across the isle.

I fought so hard to break the wall of silence, to come out and break the secrecy, to start the transition all in front of the public eye.
Did I do that just to find myself in the closet again? I have been censoring myself again, living with false notions of who I am by others.
Don't you ever feel like screaming out loud your truth. My truth in short is that I was born in male body, lived with it for 34 years, and upon conceiving a child
started transitioning. I own it, it's mine, I am not ashamed of it. It's the reprecautions of being abandoned and rejected that I fear.
Sure, I know how to keep my mouth shut when there might be physical danger to me but I feel like I need my liberty, my freedom of speech.

I know of all the reasons for why not to come out. I am looking for ways how and when to come out because I need my liberty, freedom of expression and honesty.
If I can't have it in front of my friends then I can't have it anywhere. Is that the life one signs up for when nearly completing the transition?
Or is it too much to expect people to treat me the same as they did before they knew I was trans?
And I am not looking to rent a plane and fly an ad over the town, "envie is a ->-bleeped-<-", but rather just a minimal discloser
of my complete self with small group of women who engage in meaningful conversations and write about stuff that matters.

thanks again for helping me sort this out!

[Nicolette]

I think my work colleagues wouldn't just be 'horrified' that I wasn't only not gendered female at birth, but I've been sharing the same bathroom as them, being pre-op. I try to imagine their perception of me if they were to know and I have to push the image away immediately. I don't want them to imagine that I'm anything but a natural born woman. That alleviates much of my dysphoria associated with not having been born a female. Yes, it's none of their damn business.

Personally, I'd do more abstract creative writing and write in metaphors, metamorphosis etc.

[JoanneB]

If it is the writing that you concerned about. How about pretend you have two assignments, one ONLY for you and another for the group? You still get to express our inner feelings yet maintain your privacy.