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Some things to consider about your appearance

Started by mixie, January 06, 2012, 04:59:18 PM

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Anatta

Quote from: Keaira on January 07, 2012, 05:29:22 PM
If it were that simple, I wouldn't worry about my voice. Or Rhyno about her appearance. Or Mahsa.... Well I'm still trying to figure out her issue.
We just want to blend in and live our lives, not be constantly made fun of for being ourselves. Which is what happens. or worse. We want to be seen for who we are and be the best we can be. Sometimes we can get really obsessive about the smallest detail. I agree with you 110%. And it can get really bad if we start comparing ourselves to what magazines are telling us about beauty the art of "airbrushing".

Kia Ora K,

::) I just made a small alteration to your post...I hope you don't mind  ;)

Metta Zenda :)
"The most essential method which includes all other methods is beholding the mind. The mind is the root from which all things grow. If you can understand the mind, everything else is included !"   :icon_yes:
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mixie

Quote from: Keaira on January 07, 2012, 05:29:22 PM
If it were that simple, I wouldn't worry about my voice. Or Rhyno about her appearance. Or Mahsa.... Well I'm still trying to figure out her issue.
We just want to blend in and live our lives, not be constantly made fun of for being ourselves. Which is what happens. or worse. We want to be seen for who we are and be the best we can be. Sometimes we can get really obsessive about the smallest detail. I agree with you 110%. And it can get really bad if we start comparing ourselves to what magazines are telling us about beauty.

I remember being in 4th grade and greatly envying this girl Heather who gorgeous long blond curly hair.  All the teachers favored her.   I had "dirty blonde hair" and felt ugly.  Thank god for Miss Clairol.    But maybe...........you know you are making me think of something.   Maybe growing up as boys you had no idea how much pressure is put on girls from day one to be pretty and look good.  Some girls had that luxury.  They were gorgeous skinny Playboy Centerfold type gals.  For the rest of us it wasn't realistic.

It wasn't possible.  So we could either get used to the pressure or suffer because of it.  Perhaps what is really going on here, is being thrown in to the deep end of the ocean and freaking out about all the pressure.


Down here,  most cisgender women exist in a bell jar.   Otherwise we'd be dead.   Some of us have killed ourselves or gotten sucked into drugs, eating disorders, depression etc.

The rest of us have learned that the pressure is only as strong as you let it be.   You must ignore it or you will spend a lifetime in a  world of pain.



Read up ladies

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bell_Jar




QuoteBeauty Worship Cult

How I look is important
because what I say is not
Worse than being mortal
I am woman
I bleed
I age
I give birth
to life's imperfections
Imperfection is sin
if I cannot be perfect
be beautiful
I should rather be invisible
or paint on product perfect
luminosity to hypno-trip
I must divide
and conquer
with my ephemeral eternal;
physical presence
because my internal
intellectual under-glow radiance
is immaterial to
prescribed visions of
exalted angelic faces
of supermodel saviors
trying to keep me in line
behind the cosmetic counter
Capitalist controllers
the guardian of my beauty value
I am sanctioned and separated by
deliberately disorienting
depictions of my body
down casting my soul into
body bondage
Enslaved to the doctrine of image
Bound to the beauty book
like some divine pronouncement
I am ordained the omnipotent
queen of beauty bounty
briefly before reality renders me
flawed and shamed
into seeking salvation in a bottle
I am made up like a mascot
my material much too mass-ive [sic]
for marriage or money manifestation
Starvation is the only purification
into skeletal sanctity
My skin-shell is my protection
is my passport
into the sacred realm of obsession
with
the formulated female form
Soceity's vested interest
In woman as object
If I am not a textbook beauty
then what will save my soul
from the profane sin
of unregulated ugliness
or the condemnation of mediocrity
What am I
if I am not beautiful
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Keaira

Quote from: mixie on January 07, 2012, 05:49:23 PM
I remember being in 4th grade and greatly envying this girl Heather who gorgeous long blond curly hair.  All the teachers favored her.   I had "dirty blonde hair" and felt ugly.  Thank god for Miss Clairol.    But maybe...........you know you are making me think of something.   Maybe growing up as boys you had no idea how much pressure is put on girls from day one to be pretty and look good.  Some girls had that luxury.  They were gorgeous skinny Playboy Centerfold type gals.  For the rest of us it wasn't realistic.

It wasn't possible.  So we could either get used to the pressure or suffer because of it.  Perhaps what is really going on here, is being thrown in to the deep end of the ocean and freaking out about all the pressure.


Down here,  most cisgender women exist in a bell jar.   Otherwise we'd be dead.   Some of us have killed ourselves or gotten sucked into drugs, eating disorders, depression etc.

The rest of us have learned that the pressure is only as strong as you let it be.   You must ignore it or you will spend a lifetime in a  world of pain.



Read up ladies

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bell_Jar

I think that for many of us, it is because we weren't raised as girls. So were pretty envious of any girl. By the time we transition there is just so much we have missed out on. Many of them might seem somewhat trivial to a cis-gendered woman but for us, It's something we may never get the chance to do or experience. And by that time too, Testosterone has done quite a lot of damage. So we try really hard to either undo that damage, cover it up or draw emphasis away from our problem areas. So the fact that some of us were pretty manly-looking men only doubles or triples the pressure to look passable.

I'm still not saying that you don't have a valid point. I'm just trying to help you see why we can be hypercritical of ourselves.
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eli77

If I could learn to accept my body as it is... why would I be transitioning?
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Torn1990

   It really is hard to find our masculine features as beautiful when society enjoys making fun of queer bodies by emphasizing them in humor and such.
It's pretty distorted. Thanks for this thread, it's a hard mountain to climb. I attempt to feminize my masculine features as much as i can.
I can't really do that with my facial hair yet lol, even though i saw a woman with a full beard come into my work recently. It was quite lovely.
Goodness i need to start LHR.
queer, transgender woman, Feminist, & writer. ~
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envie

Nice attempt to bring some reason into people's minds Mixie but for someone to be helped they must want to help themselves in order to receive help.
Half of the thread is being used to fight against your well meant suggestions and observations. If people only used this amount of energy to start
loving themselves, show some appreciation for the lives they have and the chance to be truth to themselves they would be much better off.
But they don't...
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Keaira

Quote from: envie on January 07, 2012, 10:45:34 PM
Nice attempt to bring some reason into people's minds Mixie but for someone to be helped they must want to help themselves in order to receive help.
Half of the thread is being used to fight against your well meant suggestions and observations. If people only used this amount of energy to start
loving themselves, show some appreciation for the lives they have and the chance to be truth to themselves they would be much better off.
But they don't...


Actually I know I am luckier than some, Testosterone didn't give me an adams apple to worry about, my voice really didn't change all that much, I'm 5'5, not overly hairy and I am beginning to look more like the women on my Mum's side than I ever did. A bit of time, practice and make-up and laser and I think I might be just fine. All of these things I am happy about. I even like my nose. the only things I nitpick are my hairline and maybe my huge Cheshire cat-like smile if I grin. But they are things I can live with.


See?

I'm pretty optimistic about my ability to pass. I just dont get an accurate 'gauge' on how well I pass right now because I'm at work all the time and I have to deal with the jerks/ idiots/ who wont let go of the past, mine specifically. 
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mixie

Quote from: Keaira on January 07, 2012, 11:16:47 PM
Actually I know I am luckier than some, Testosterone didn't give me an adams apple to worry about, my voice really didn't change all that much, I'm 5'5, not overly hairy and I am beginning to look more like the women on my Mum's side than I ever did. A bit of time, practice and make-up and laser and I think I might be just fine. All of these things I am happy about. I even like my nose. the only things I nitpick are my hairline and maybe my huge Cheshire cat-like smile if I grin. But they are things I can live with.


See?

I'm pretty optimistic about my ability to pass. I just dont get an accurate 'gauge' on how well I pass right now because I'm at work all the time and I have to deal with the jerks/ idiots/ who wont let go of the past, mine specifically.


Chicha!  Hot Tamale!  Looking good in that pix.  Don't nitpick.  Flaunt the positive.


Torn I really like your hair!  Did you get highlights?   And you look good too!  I do know it's hard.   And I do know it's much harder than being cis with masculine features.   But I've been so so tempted to post a few pix of my friends.  You all wouldn't believe they are cis and they are not very attractive.  I haven't seen anyone on here that I"d say wasn't attractive, so on the one hand,  although you do have some masculine features, they are attractive masculine features.   To me so far everyone is ahead of the game.

Envie,  great points as always.   Thank you!
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Keaira

Quote from: mixie on January 08, 2012, 07:15:17 AM

Chicha!  Hot Tamale!  Looking good in that pix.  Don't nitpick.  Flaunt the positive.


Torn I really like your hair!  Did you get highlights?   And you look good too!  I do know it's hard.   And I do know it's much harder than being cis with masculine features.   But I've been so so tempted to post a few pix of my friends.  You all wouldn't believe they are cis and they are not very attractive.  I haven't seen anyone on here that I"d say wasn't attractive, so on the one hand,  although you do have some masculine features, they are attractive masculine features.   To me so far everyone is ahead of the game.

Envie,  great points as always.   Thank you!

lol. Well I joke that I am such a Tomboy, my body just grew that way. :P
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mixie

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Keaira

Quote from: mixie on January 08, 2012, 12:22:09 PM
In that picture you remind me of Selma Blair




I can see that. Thanks! ^_^ As a guy I was also compared to Johnny Depp. lol

Maybe I should look at her for hairstyle ideas. :D

Of course it's been 10 months on HRT So it will be interesting as to how much my face changes in the next few years.
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envie

Mixies posts and the posts of resignation regarding peoples looks are kind of hitting close to home but not in a way you might suspect.

I have a 2 years younger sister. While going through puberty she was teased about her hairy legs or being skinny or about her small breasts.
One of my uncles was even comparing her breasts with having zits on the chest. At the time I was a kid who didn't know anything different
but these things stayed in my memory.
Today my sister is a woman who can't leave the house without shaving her legs, armpits etc. and for a while spraying bronze spray over her body. Make up in her face of course,
and still battling with low weight and "small" breasts.
People who meet her for the first time can't believe how good looking sister I have but she sees herself still as not acceptable. Only recently I've seen some but still very minimal
acceptance of her physique. She is in her 30's and this kind of focus on particular parts of her body and what others might think about it ruined her life. She is still only on the the bare beginning of self acceptance that is so fragile it can reverse any moment.
I just recently sent that uncle to hell for trying to comment on my big nose, my wardrobe etc. We haven't spoken in 15 years and only after 2 conversation I told him his comments are not welcome and he can get lost.

So, it is not about accepting your body as male and not transitioning but it is about accepting the woman you are transitioning into. I am not transitioning into Cindy Crowford or Heidi Clum but becoming my own woman. It is a transition to oneself regardless of how that woman or a man might look. That is the kind of self acceptance that mixie is trying to explain. Once you have accepted yourself you will gain the confidence which in turn brings the beauty with itself.
Hence, confidence is beauty, as mixie said.
Trachea, breasts, forehead or hips are just not the body parts that contain all the personal value that each and every one of us has.

Yes, I have large brow, receding hair line, long nose and large trachea. Do I care? Yes! Does it change who I am? No!
What I can improve on my appearance I work on. What is there to remain manly I will accept as there is no use of breaking my head over what can't be changed.
But i am not going to do a darn thing just because my neighbor or my uncle might say so!
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envie

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 08, 2012, 06:25:27 PM
I'm sure plenty of you think I'm horrible or that it's terribly sad that I feel I had to do all that to myself, but the truth is I'm a very happy artificial construct. My dysphoria is fleeing in terror before my medical and surgical interventions. I am hardly a supermodel, but I can look in the mirror these days and see a girl smiling back at me. The girl that I am and always was. That was hiding under that mask of flesh and bone. That I was passable before most of the work I've had done on my body is entirely irrelevant. Passing is about other people. I care about how I see myself.
No you are not horrible person. As you say, "passing" is about other people and you have done all the interventions for yourself. Now the suggestion is that all the work you have done so far could be used for acknowledgement of some accomplishment and less beat yourself over what is still left to do. A glass half full or half empty? The amount of water in the glass is still the same but your perception could be the positive or the negative. Now focusing on your accomplishments would lead you to the glass half full perception. hope this helps!
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mixie

Wow, I have tears in my throat at what envie and Sarah have shared.  I would think cutting has such a close similarity to the pain of not being right in your own body.  Cisgender or trans.

When I gave birth one of the things they told us about was the feeling of "wanting to come out of your own skin" wanting to flee, get up, leave this bag of bones behind, run from the pain, run from all the everything, the snide comments but crappy uncles and the feeling of wanting to rip it all away and start afresh.  Like a whale beaching. 

Envie, one look at your nose is a reminder.  Most of us are wonder if you have a Cyrano de Bergerac in profile, because you have a cute dainty nose, almost too small for your own face IMO but alas like me,  you had those voices in the past.


Darlings listen to Annie Lennox.  She's captured the essence of screaming out of your skin better than anyone I know.


Eurythmics - Beethoven (I Love To Listen To)
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envie

thanks mixie,

my nose is rather narrow but became long after the HRT melted away all the fat on my face. So my nose kind of stayed where it was while the surrounding area went down.
It is just so different for the people who know me from before the transition that to them it sticks out.
Here is a pre transition photo for comparison.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ahpOPdS2sAA/TwooMpmKGxI/AAAAAAAAADg/swlrQRFM1NU/s400/old%252520photo.jpg

(not sure why the photo embedding is not working for me)
I'll have to watch the Annie Lenox video few times before I get it. English is not my first language so I have to catch up on song lyrics.
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A

It's a good point of view, and I thank you for posting it.

But I must add this: the great majority of trans women, by definition, have a lot of things they (almost) absolutely need to change to look acceptable, contrary to cis women. Both tend to focus on the bad aspects of their physical appearance, but in our case, part of it is justified in most cases. However, we tend to hate our bodies so much that it's likely that we can't pinpoint what's truly bad and what's actually okay.

Also, (speaking for myself but I imagine I'm not alone) trans women, having lived as male for years, might have less of a "sense of style/beauty", or a lower ability to judge a female appearance. Also, the depressing elements from living as what you are not might have, like in my case, induced a type of strong introversion that would have had the effect of ignoring one's body; of "not seeing what you don't want to see", making a person not only too critical on themself, but even unable to discern what looks good or not on them.

And lastly, because we have lived for so long in a body we hate and might feel our youth/childhood/teenage has been "stolen away", as well as because there are a few masculine things about our bodies we can never change, I feel it may be justified for us to sort of try to overcompensate.

The key to taking good decisions, I think, is having neither toxic, self-produced negative opinions nor sugar-coated , almost false statements about how everything is perfect. I see both around here: beautiful girls complaining a lot about minor things they still look pretty with, and people saying "passable but nothing more" girls look FABULOUS and have ZERO ISSUES.

It looks like it's hard for us to neither fall in the "I'm super ugly and will never pass" trap nor ignore fairly important passing issues and expose ourselves to big pain should we ever be clocked for something we didn't know.

I feel like I've just rambled on for way too long, and haven't said much useful...

Anyhow, thank you, mixie.
A's Transition Journal
Last update: June 11th, 2012
No more updates
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Keaira

I have my issues, but I try to keep a positive mindset. But I often feel like the ugly girl in the family. ^_^

I never did cutting, but I did tell myself I hate you every day in the mirror. Growing up I got teased about my short height and the one ear that sticks out. Ironically, The short height has worked out for me. I also got teased for being really sensitive, I cried a lot when I was younger. Especially if my dad yelled at me. But one  day when I was about 11, I exploded in school. I flat out refused to do any work. So I was sent to a Psychologist. My parents never told me what they found out and I don't even remember the meeting. But I do know my parents knew I was dressing as a girl at that age too. But I also spent a lot of time growing up with 2 female cousins. I think we were almost as close as brother and sister. They've grown up to be quite pretty. As I got older, the differences between us started to go beyond clothes and hair length. And I kind of just shut down after that. I barely remember my teenage years, beyond the anger, running away and fights at school. Most kids thought I was gay. I didn't know what I was. But gay didn't fit right. I just know I envied the girls in my schools who's puberty was so much better than mine. And I kept that all to myself.
But anyway, a few years ago, my Dad got remarried. Just before he did, I came out to him. he was great about it and is very supportive, But now I have 3 step-sisters and they are all pretty. For various reasons, I sometimes feel I was replaced. Why have a transsexual daughter when you can have 3, 'normal' girls?
Like I said, I know I have a lot going for me. But I feel like I need to out-shine the girls in my family to get noticed. And I don't even have a clue on how to do that.
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