How do you tell a man you're trans if you pass completely?

[sysm29]

Let's say that a transgender woman goes through her transition, has FFS, GRS, and by the third year, she passes beautifully.  She's actually pretty and nobody can tell she was ever in a guy's body.  Yea, she's tall (5'11) and some of her features are bigger than usual GGs (like her size 11 feet), but she doesn't look like a linebacker.  She's relatively thin, she's relatively youngish (30, 31), and she dresses in a trendy way.  Long hair, tan, makeup, nice breasts.  She looks pretty damn good, and it took a LOT of work and time to get here.

Now, she's in a new place in life.  She's just beginning to enjoy her new life as a woman - bubble baths, feeling her new body, experiencing orgasms for the first time as a woman.  Then, let's say, one day her sink doesn't work right and she needs a plumber... so in walks this hunky plumber who's right around her age and instantly there is an attraction.  He fixes her sink and it gives this woman an opportunity to talk to a guy she's never met before.  He likes her and asks her out on a date.

Alright, so now what happens?  When do you tell him, you have to tell him but when?  You really want to have sex with him, but you do want a relationship... what do you do???  You really like this man, he has no clue about who you are, and you desperately want a relationship and this one seems perfect.  How can you tell him without scaring him off?

[Jennifer]

Hi Sysm29,

Great question! For me, I would like to one day just be considered a woman. In the ideal situation which you describe, I think I would enjoy life more if I never had to say the words " I am a transsexual". However, if a person happens to meet their soulmate, how could they avoid exposing the truth?

Jennifer

[holly]

I don't see why it would have to be disclosed straight away.  I'd at least go for the first date and then worry about telling him if it looks like there might be a second or third etc.

[Re: Joyce]

First off, if you're going to be a woman, you have to think and act like one.  A woman who meets a guy who she's serious about wants to spend a considerable amount of time letting the relationship develop and getting to know the guy before she jumps in the sack with him.

      Once she's "given it all up" in the sack, most guys will be gone.  They consider her to be "easy" and they disrespect her.

      Speaking with a natal girlfriend the other day, she talked enthusiastically about meeting a new guy and having a first date.  She said, "We both agreed that sex was for after marriage, but there are a lot of things you can do that feel really good with your clothes on, let me tell you". 

       Most successful post-ops will tell you that you let the relationship develop and then tell the guy.  You do not need to let on to everyone and it's not everyone's business.   Getting into bed with anyone and everyone is a sure way to never find a great guy, as well as a serious health risk. 

        Hey, if you're in Vegas and have a casual encounter that finds you in bed and you'll never see the guy again, what's the point in telling, anyway?

        Once you fully transition, you no longer concern yourself with "passing".  You ARE female, there is no more passing.  It's who you are.  Now, you're only mildly concerned with history...

[sweetie87]

I would not tell him straightaway as it might scare him off... First i would take the chance to get to know each other better. If we then still like each other I would tell him without feeling ashamed.

[spacial]

Just a few thoughts.

We, none of us, tend to tell complete strangers, everything about us.

If he needs to know later and you feel comfortable, then you can tell him. If he makes an issue of it, greater than it really is, then that's his loss.

In reality, the only significant difference between you and a Gfemale is you can't have babies.

If he thinks otherwise, then he might have a problem.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

Take him to a gay/trans-friendly restaurant/bar [one where the clientele are diverse=a mixture of straights, gays, trans, in betweens] or alternatively a movie where diversity is the main theme...If he feels uncomfortable and makes derogatory comments in private to you, then you will know how he feels about 'people like you', and if he's quite open and accepting[perhaps even sympathetic to gay and trans- people's plight] then the door is open for discussion/disclosure !

Metta Zenda

[sonopoly]

This is always a tough question.  I think you should get to know the guy first pretty well, and let him get to know you before doing anything physical.  Get a feel for how open-minded he is and perhaps, educate him on GLBT issues, and see how he responds.  This will give you both time to see how you feel about each other and you can determine if he can handle your situation.  Hopefully, his feelings for you and his open-mindedness will make your TG status not a HUGE issue. It will probably be a bit of an issue, but if he cares about you, he might be able to overcome it.  He may have a hard time finding love too, and you might be the first person in a long time that he has had any feelings for.  I have a couple of straight, non-TG girlfriends who are trying with all their might to find a mate with no luck.  My heart breaks for them, but it shows that it is hard for a lot of non-TG people to find love as well.  Just keep trying, I say.  It's worth it.

I think women tend to be more receptive to dating a transgendered person, because women being gay is seen as more acceptable by people, it's even seen as positive and hot.  Sadly, male gay sex is hard to swallow for most straight folks, whereas lesbian sex seems more palatable and even natural. I don't agree with this, but I believe this seems to be the way the public views these things.  I hope this makes sense and that I haven't offended anyone.  Just never give up.

[Thriss]

When I read the first few sentences of your post I thought "hey, stop describing my life"

I remember back when I saw that last therapist, the one to evaluate everything MY therapist had written about me... the one that was to present my case along with a recommendation to the people giving a yay or nay to my application for surgery (yes, that's how it works where I live...). He asked me "you are an attractive young woman and can easily get by in society. How will you deal with meeting men and starting relationships, if and how would you tell them?". I replied that "honestly, I have no idea. I've been thinking about that and I have absolutely no clue". Now several years later I'm still no closer to figuring out a good way to deal with this but I've learned that you have no idea how people will react until you tell them. And then it's too late to do anything about it.
Just because someone talks badly about minorities (or transsexuals) doesn't mean they wouldn't deal with it OK. People tend to talk badly about others just because it creates an us-against-them feeling. And likewise, just because someone is OK with transsexuals in general doesn't mean they'll accept having a relationship with one.
I'm fairly fast to say I can't have children because that can be a big no-no to guys who has family on their to-do list. Other than that you should probably not listen to me. I'm still involved with my boyfriend who was supposed to just be a temporary "fling" that I never had to tell. So I never told him... and now a year has passed :/

It's amazing how fast you forget you are "special" when you don't think about it or get reminded of it....

[Nicole]

First off, if you're going to be a woman, you have to think and act like one.  A woman who meets a guy who she's serious about wants to spend a considerable amount of time letting the relationship develop and getting to know the guy before she jumps in the sack with him.

      Once she's "given it all up" in the sack, most guys will be gone.  They consider her to be "easy" and they disrespect her.

      Speaking with a natal girlfriend the other day, she talked enthusiastically about meeting a new guy and having a first date.  She said, "We both agreed that sex was for after marriage, but there are a lot of things you can do that feel really good with your clothes on, let me tell you". 

       Most successful post-ops will tell you that you let the relationship develop and then tell the guy.  You do not need to let on to everyone and it's not everyone's business.   Getting into bed with anyone and everyone is a sure way to never find a great guy, as well as a serious health risk.  Aids is God's way of saying he didn't exactly call it the "Ten Suggestions".

        Hey, if you're in Vegas and have a casual encounter that finds you in bed and you'll never see the guy again, what's the point in telling, anyway?

        Once you fully transition, you no longer concern yourself with "passing".  You ARE female, there is no more passing.  It's who you are.  Now, you're only mildly concerned with history...

I'm sorry but I find that a sad, upsetting and sexist way to look at the world.
My best friend slept with her husband the first night she met him, they've been together for 10 years and you could not find a better pairing.
I've slept with men & women early on, and I've waited, in some cases the wait wasn't worth it.
Sex and god are 2 words I hate seeing together, in fact I don't believe in any god and don't feel its the right way to live a life around.

Just because you are female that doesn't mean you can't have some fun, yes there are risks, like HIV/AIDS but use a condom, even thou I'm post op and there isn't a single chance I could have a baby (nor do I want one) I still make sure if I don't know the guy too well he wears a condom.

Back to the OP.
I think it depends, I don't tell, in fact I've told 1 person who I've met since my GRS, she didn't believe me at first.

Unless you feel that they should know, they don't have to.

[Annah]

this is just my opinion and i do not state this to place my own morals as anyone else.

With that said, if I know there is a guy who wants a serious relationship then I tell him. Actually, I always tell them before the first date happens.

For me, it's just one of those things that I feel honesty is the core heart to any relationship and if the relationship gets serious I do not want that burden to tell him.

In an ideal and perfect world, every human being would not care about gender or the past of gender but this isn't a perfect world. Men and women has their own preferences and for some, they have no desire to date or have sex with someone that used to be physically of the same gender.

So far, my own philosophy in this matter has worked well for me. I have had a few boyfriends who knew before the first date but didn't know when they expressed their attraction for me; a way I can weed out >-bleeped-< >-bleeped-<s. Have I had guys who said "no thank you?" Yes. But at least, for me, I told them before things really got complicated.

[Chloe]

Have u read this? Just a tidbit for thought:

The Second Most Beautiful Girl in New York

i would "let on" right upfront, don't waste time when he should already have known. Stealth deception is why we are often despised & feared so much ya need to get used to the stoic attitude of oh well, it's his loss not yours. 

[Amazon D]

Tell him your a lesbian and like transgendered women. Tell him he would make a cute girl. If he is cool with that then hey flirt some. Its a great ice breaker and not all serious etc..

[Julie Marie]

This question has been asked many times.  It seems to be a really big issue with a lot of us.  Prior to living full time and becoming comfortable with who I am, I wondered, if I ever got involved with someone, should I tell them?  That is, if I could pass completely.  For many late transitioners, the answer is often "No", at least once someone really gets to know you.  But if I passed 100%, I just couldn't see myself ever pondering when I would tell anyone.  It's none of their business unless I make it so.  And if they found out and want to make an issue out of it, I would explain the obvious, "everyone I tell treats me differently from that point on and forever" and hope we could move on.  If not, it's time for them to move on.

This is an analogy to explain my line of thinking:

Imagine this is a forum for people born with bone deformities.  Those deformities have caused them a lot of emotional pain and suffering due to social prejudices based on ignorance.  Through medical intervention, some of the members have had their bone deformities corrected.  They can now go out into the world and no one knows they ever had their respective bone deformity. 

Would the question "how do I tell?" ever even be asked on that forum?  Is the fact you once had a birth defect relevant to who you are today?  Why put yourself in a position that could handicap you in a prejudiced and judgmental world?

I believe the vast majority of those people would agree, there is no reason to divulge.  We are not defined by our medical conditions but rather by who we are as people.

While I believe it's a good thing for society to be aware of their ignorance and for the promotion of education and end of prejudice, I don't believe we need to place ourselves, individually, in the line of fire unnecessarily.  If the time comes, we should be prepared.  But until then this is a personal matter between you and your doctor.   

[JenJen2011]

Julie, would you tell a potential partner that you can't have babies? If they ask why, what would be your answer? That you were born without ovaries and uterus?

[sonopoly]

Julie, I can totally understand how you feel and your analogy is good.  I guess my concerns are of the people you get involved with.  If they would have such an adverse reaction by your disclosure than obviously it is a concern to them.  You wouldn't want to disclose because of a possible adverse reaction.  Don't you think they have a right to know about something that they might feel extremely strong about?  I also can understand your feeling that if they like/love you as you are now completely -- what does it matter what you used to be?

I think the other issue would be living with a big secret from your partner.  That can't be good or healthy. Also, you would be making your old friends and family lie as well.  How would you feel if your partner was keeping a big secret from you and making his/her family and friends do the same?  I just think you'd be carrying around a heavy weight, that would really keep you from being completely happy.  And if you did decide to finally disclose, your partner might not have left you if you had told him/her earlier, but now does not trust you and feels betrayed, and you won't be able to turn back the clock.  I would think it would be pretty hard to keep this from him/her forever.  Inevitably, something will come up and you will always be watching your back and worrying.  To me, it doesn't seem worth it.  If you have the courage to go through transition, I would think the whole dating and disclosure thing would be a piece of cake.

My friend who is on some dating sites doesn't put up a picture.  She is heavy, but cute, though not particularly sexy.  She has "met" a few guys online, but after she sends her picture, they disappear - sometimes slowly, but sometimes quickly. One guy just stood her up and she waited an hour at a restaurant. I told her to put up a picture so they know up front what they're dealing with.  She IS cute, and there is someone who will find her attractive, plus she has a great personality.  My point is - tell, show up front.  It might seem hard and long, but I think it's better than keeping a secret for the reasons I wrote above.  AND like I always say, it's hard to find love for most people.  I know so many single people who are lonely and sad and none of them are TG.  I'm sure if you do pass extremely well, you will be able to find an intelligent and open-minded person who will love and accept you (you wouldn't want to find an unintelligent and close-minded person anyway, so it might even be a good screening device!)  Remember, you are worthy and valuable, so they are not the catch - you are!

[Annah]

Imagine this is a forum for people born with bone deformities.  Those deformities have caused them a lot of emotional pain and suffering due to social prejudices based on ignorance.  Through medical intervention, some of the members have had their bone deformities corrected.  They can now go out into the world and no one knows they ever had their respective bone deformity. 

Would the question "how do I tell?" ever even be asked on that forum?  Is the fact you once had a birth defect relevant to who you are today?  Why put yourself in a position that could handicap you in a prejudiced and judgmental world?

I believe the vast majority of those people would agree, there is no reason to divulge.  We are not defined by our medical conditions but rather by who we are as people.

While I believe it's a good thing for society to be aware of their ignorance and for the promotion of education and end of prejudice, I don't believe we need to place ourselves, individually, in the line of fire unnecessarily.  If the time comes, we should be prepared.  But until then this is a personal matter between you and your doctor.   

to society there is a world of difference between a physical issue that has been corrected and a gender issue that has been corrected.

For example, many people will look at a person who had been "cured" of bone deformity as a medical process you overcame. To the majority of society, that is different than saying "I used to be a man and now I am cured" because you now have sexuality thrown into the mix....as well as a social taboo to some.

I would compare our situation not to bone deformity but a black girl who lived in the 1800 or early 1900s in the south who looks just like a white girl but one of her grandparents were black. In some southern states in that era race was a prevalent issue and no matter how white you were, you were still black to those people.

In a perfect utopia, I would agree with you, but in today's society I would tell a person who is attracted to me. You can tell if they really love you for who you are if you tell them rather than keeping it to yourself with the notion it's none of their business.....because if the relationship gets more serious and he is considering marriage, then you have a mountain of dilemmas to face and there is no such thing as 100% stealth when it comes to that level of commitment unless you completely disowned your family, your friends prior to transition, and stayed away from any doctor's office or hospital for the duration of the marriage.

Finally, if your partner was completely open and accepting to you no matter what and he found out through other means deep into the relationship he will feel betrayed. He would feel that you didn't trust him enough to let him know. I know that's how I would feel and I am pretty open to a lot of things. I would probably consider ending the relationship if I found out later in the relationship because if he or she did not feel that they could tell me such an important life changing event in their lives then it will be much easier to hide "smaller" things from me. That sense of mutual honesty and respect would be gone.

[Amazon D]

Basically find out if their trans friendly by whatever means possible but tell them about another person not yourself. That way you get right to the point of their attitude and from there you know all you need to know if your going forward or not.

[Re: Joyce]

to society there is a world of difference between a physical issue that has been corrected and a gender issue that has been corrected.

For example, many people will look at a person who had been "cured" of bone deformity as a medical process you overcame. To the majority of society, that is different than saying "I used to be a man and now I am cured" because you now have sexuality thrown into the mix....as well as a social taboo to some.

I would compare our situation not to bone deformity but a black girl who lived in the 1800 or early 1900s in the south who looks just like a white girl but one of her grandparents were black. In some southern states in that era race was a prevalent issue and no matter how white you were, you were still black to those people.

In a perfect utopia, I would agree with you, but in today's society I would tell a person who is attracted to me. You can tell if they really love you for who you are if you tell them rather than keeping it to yourself with the notion it's none of their business.....because if the relationship gets more serious and he is considering marriage, then you have a mountain of dilemmas to face and there is no such thing as 100% stealth when it comes to that level of commitment unless you completely disowned your family, your friends prior to transition, and stayed away from any doctor's office or hospital for the duration of the marriage.

Finally, if your partner was completely open and accepting to you no matter what and he found out through other means deep into the relationship he will feel betrayed. He would feel that you didn't trust him enough to let him know. I know that's how I would feel and I am pretty open to a lot of things. I would probably consider ending the relationship if I found out later in the relationship because if he or she did not feel that they could tell me such an important life changing event in their lives then it will be much easier to hide "smaller" things from me. That sense of mutual honesty and respect would be gone.

I am going to remind you and everyone else who is posting here that this is a "POST-OP" Forum.   Then answers given should be reflected to be those of post-ops.   

       The reaction of a potential partner and the reaction of a date with a straight guy depend a lot on what's in your panties.  If you are capable of normal male to female sexual intercourse, that's a completely difference issue than still having incorrect genitals for your outward appearance.

        I do not wish to portray anyone as better or worse than anyone else, I only want this Forum to be helpful to those seeking resolutions to post op issues.   

         Despite what many pre-ops will say, surgery does change the brain, it does change your life and it does change how you see sex.   A pre-op person simply cannot state how they will FEEL after surgery.    There is a reason that most of the post-ops have left this site and one of those reasons is that this truth is hooted down and those who communicate this truth are frequently attacked for saying it.

       

[Julie Marie]

Julie, would you tell a potential partner that you can't have babies? If they ask why, what would be your answer? That you were born without ovaries and uterus?

I would take a page out of the book of women who were born infertile, who have had a hysterectomy, who have sustained an injury that caused them to be infertile, who have gone through menopause, etc.  I doubt any of them tell a some guy they are interested in all about their internal organs.