Coping with Suboptimal Passability

[Kelly J. P.]

Allo! I don't make threads very often, but I've been rattling at an issue for a while now, and though I have plenty of temporary means, I have no lasting solution to this problem.

That is, one of suboptimal passability.

What I mean by that is not that I don't pass - because I do - but I don't believe I pass well enough. I live in a relatively small town of 40,000, and while I seem to do well here aside from the occasional incident, I can't help but think that if I moved to, say, Vancouver, or San Francisco, or whatever-else-have-you, I would be read.

My reasons for that belief are fairly straightforward. I have several advantages in my passability, such as a good voice, being five-foot-three, a tiny frame, and that which follows, however, I take issue with myself from the neck up. Namely, this means Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS). I don't really feel like I need to do much; while I have a lot of very strong features, I like a few of them, like my jaw, and my cheekbones. However, I feel I would greatly benefit from forehead and nose work. The nose is really a minor issue, but the forehead isn't the best, though to be fair, it's very much like my mom's. There is also a breast growth issue, that is, that it's extremely minimal.

I may or may not decide, in the end, to pursue FFS. This decision will be based on my passability in a large city, as well as my personal feelings when the time comes. Until then, I'm assuming I will pursue FFS based on present preferences and speculation.

The problem, then, is waiting. I will be going to school soon, and it will take years to complete it, get a job, and save up for FFS and other feminizing procedures. I'm wondering how I can stay free of anxiety over that time. A bandaid fix would be improving my self-esteem. When a guy asks me out, or someone comments that I look beautiful, I stop wanting FFS for a while. However, the desire always returns. I'm in need of a more permanent solution, otherwise my passability will be on my mind throughout university, which, in addition to being generally unpleasant, may contribute to distracting me from my studies. And it's imperative that my studies go as smoothly as possible!

Your feedback is greatly appreciated. A solution to this problem might be very tricky to find, short of, "Just deal with it."

Thanks for reading!

[nickikim]

I suggest the following exercise, take notice of how many women you see with some more masculine features than you. It'll be a lot, and they pass, because they're women, same as you are. Now take notice of how many who are dressed twenty years too young or two hundred pounds too light, they pass, even though they're dressed like something they physically aren't, atleast now, understand.

As for passing in a bigger city, I think it's easier myself, people have more to see, so they have less time to dissect what they see.
Just deal with it

[Ultimus]

You are your own harshest critic. When you look in the mirror, you are trying to find the guy. When people walking down the street look at you, they are only giving you a cursory glance. These people are so self-absorbed in their own problems that they aren't going to care about you and yours. It doesn't matter if you're in San Francisco or in Savannah. Of course the things I just said don't apply if you stick out from the crowd, but you don't. You're 5'3 and, if your picture is any indication, you have the appearance of a genetic girl. And for the people passing you in the street, it won't go beyond that.

Don't adjust the aperture to focus on the negative.

[nickikim]

You are your own harshest critic. When you look in the mirror, you are trying to find the guy. When people walking down the street look at you, they are only giving you a cursory glance. These people are so self-absorbed in their own problems that they aren't going to care about you and yours. It doesn't matter if you're in San Francisco or in Savannah. Of course the things I just said don't apply if you stick out from the crowd, but you don't. You're 5'3 and, if your picture is any indication, you have the appearance of a genetic girl. And for the people passing you in the street, it won't go beyond that.

Don't adjust the aperture to focus on the negative.

yeah read that ten times over

[supremecatoverlord]

I think what Kelly might be referring to here is not just "passability" in the city, but perhaps passability in areas that are also more "queer" friendly than most...meaning that the gender lines are frequently blurred and are used to second guessing. I go to college in one of these communities and I have to admit that it is a lot harder for me to pass, because being seen as trans isn't as much as of an "oddity" as it is a "distinct possibility". For people who don't want to be identified as trans and go stealth, this can be really nerve wrecking I really don't think the amount of people in an area matters as much as the people who are in the area and the assumptions they are used to making. Kelly seems to pass pretty well in her pic and being petite would certainly make it less likely for even me to second guess the idea that someone is a bio-female. However, there will always be places where you're more likely to get clocked than others, because of the people that frequent that community...even if you do everything right. Regardless, I still think that "not passing" would be a rarity for Kelly anyway.