Dreaming of what could have been

[IvyRenee]

Hi, ladies.  Let me introduce myself.  I choose to be called Heather, as that's the name I wanted to be called ever since I realised that being a girl is what I need to do.  Now, I have lived with the feelings for my whole life (I'm 25), and have started dreaming of what could have been.  Let me explain a few things:


I am an Orthodox Christian, I believe everything Orthodoxy stands for and means, and all they claims they make to truth, and I know that being TS doesn't jive well with Orthodoxy, so I'm not sure how to reconcile this.

So, as I sit here in my bra with coloured painted toenails, and clear painted fingernails, I find myself thinking in the "what ifs".  You see, I have a female cousin with whom I was very close as a child.  In fact, when I first started dressing in secret, hers were the clothes I would use.  In fact, one time she caught me wearing one of her bras.  I was probably 11 or 12, and it was beautifully soft and pink.  I remember it well, it was a back-hook and I had trouble with it.  Anyway, I see her, average height, beautiful, with really great breasts, and a fashion sense to die for.  When she caught me with her bra, I denied anything, and have lived with the shame ever since, but I am convinced that if I had told her, and then later my mom, maybe I could have been as beautiful as her.  If I had come out a few years later, I may have even had a chance. 

Now, it's just my secret thing.  Every few years, I grow my hair out thinking maybe I'll get up the guts to do it, but I never do.  I am too worried about everything I'd lose.  My Church family (they really help me out a lot when I'm out of work, and they are helping me with school fees too), many of my best friends, my job, pretty much everything.  I am not even sure my family would approve.  To make matters worse, I got my father's height (I'm 6'1"), and my grandfather's body hair (more than enough), size 11 mens feet, and long hands (ugh).  So I would stick out in a crowd.

Ladies, please pray for me, if that's your thing, or send me good vibes.  Whatever.  I find your threads here encouraging, so I'm just hoping to get some of that encouragement.  I don't make any promises about participating much after this thread runs its course, but I am hoping to be welcomed into the crowd.

[fionabell]

hello

[IvyRenee]

For what it's worth:

I'm not "out" to anyone, I'm not on HRT, and I've never seen a therapist or doctor about this.

[likealolita]

Welcome to the forum.  I hope you enjoy your stay here.

I myself am 6' 4" and have a lot of hair (I'm Greek), but I take care of the hair problem with waxing and epilating.  As for my height, there's a woman at my job who is just as tall as I am.  Just because you're tall doesn't automatically mean people will spot immediately that you're a man or a transgendered individual, so try not to worry about stuff like that, heh.

[Jennie]

Hi Heather, welcome to Susans.  Have you done any research on this subject?  If you do a google search for transgender brain or transexual brain then you will find the studies that have been done an dthey show that there are a few differences between the male and the female brain, people like you and I have the brain of a female and not the brain of a male.  That should explain a lot to people who truly want to understand what is going on with you, if they truly care for you (your family and friends) then they will understand that this is a problem with a cure.
Aloha.

Jennie

[Cindy]

Well Hello Heather and welcome.

The rules Hi, and welcome to Susan's! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way   

Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.


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Our mission is to be a support site for gender dysmorphic people of any situation, so feel at home and feel comfortable. You are now family.


There is no great problem in being a big woman. Just look at the female basketball players. Most are physically big and when they put on the female gear they look gorgeous. Body, get waxed, facial hair get laser.

You main problem may be dealing with your religious convictions. I have no religion so I feel that my comments may be inappropriate, I'm also unsure what an Orthodox Christian believes in. I can totally understand your desire to keep your support base and your friends and family. Sadly we have to make decisions as well. I presume you believe that you were created by a God. Please none of my comments are meant to be rude or inappropriate.  If so the God made you as a perfect image of its majesty. Then you are an image of God and it is happy for your existence.  Therefore accept yourself. You have done no wrong.

You really need to talk to a gender therapist to get things sorted out from that point of view.

You also have to be honest with yourself. That is often the most difficult thing to face. You can lie to your friends and family and be accepted. Or you can be honest with yourself.

Is that a tough choice?

Cindy

[IvyRenee]

Thanks for the welcomes everybody.  I am actually fairly well versed in what it means to be TS/TG.  I have been researching this for years, most of my life to date.

My biggest hang up at this point is my religious convictions, you're right about that Cindy.  My religion has formed all of my moral views regarding life, the end of life, how sex and intimacy should be shared (and when), and things like that. I feel like to give that up just to become the woman I've always wanted to be would mean giving up EVERYTHING.  I'm pleased with my moral convictions, I love my Lord, and I love my traditions that have been handed down for millenia.  It's hard, in this "democracy of the dead" to turn my back on it for my gender, it just feels selfish, and I'm not a selfish individual.

I know that everything will work out.  As I get more money, a therapist will be in my future, I know it, because he or she will need to help me work this out, as it's becoming a bigger and bigger concern as I get older. 

Again, thanks!

[Cindy]

Heather,

As I said I'm not a religious person but I have profound beliefs, I'm committed to my family, I'm committed to my society and I support people at many levels. It is no easier for someone like me to accept the inevitable than it is for you.

You need to find a balance that you can accept. Sitting at your dressing table in a bra and knickers with painted toenails is not a life. It is a disaster waiting to happen, and maybe that is why you are doing it. If/when a parent walks through that door you are sprung. You will then have to face reality. You will then have to face it from a great disadvantage, in that you have not set the conditions. They will be shocked and they will have 'first shots' and I doubt any of them will be good. GID does not go away, pray as hard as you can, sadly you will remain with gender dysmorphia.

Sorry

Cindy

[madirocks]

Now, it's just my secret thing.  Every few years, I grow my hair out thinking maybe I'll get up the guts to do it, but I never do.  I am too worried about everything I'd lose.  My Church family (they really help me out a lot when I'm out of work, and they are helping me with school fees too), many of my best friends, my job, pretty much everything.  I am not even sure my family would approve.  To make matters worse, I got my father's height (I'm 6'1"), and my grandfather's body hair (more than enough), size 11 mens feet, and long hands (ugh).  So I would stick out in a crowd.

Hello and welcome to Susan's!!

Have you thought about talking to your pastor anonymously? I had thought the same thing, which is why I've put off transitioning for so long. But then I spoke to my pastor about it, and he was actually very comforting and had some great advice. He didn't shun me, and said he felt bad that anyone would have to go through anything so difficult. Until you talk to someone, you are going to continue to think the worst.

I'm also 6'1", body hair won't matter (HRT), and really any other physical features you don't care for don't matter compared to keeping your sanity. Being transgendered never goes away. Sorry for scaring you!! But really, it doesn't, and I highly suggest doing something about it. A good start is definitely coming here. Beyond that it's absolutely necessary to find a good therapist. Then you'll know where you stand.

Good luck! And again, welcome to Susan's!! 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Heather,
And a big warm welcome to Susan's. You have just joined a remarkably warm, friendly and compassionate family. There is an enormous amount of information here for you to read up on, as well as a wealth of experience from those who have"walked the talk."

I hope you enjoy your time here, and I hope it is for some time to come. At the young age of 25, you have a long life ahead of you.  Cindy has said it all, I believe.

You really need to talk to a gender therapist to get things sorted out from that point of view.

You also have to be honest with yourself. That is often the most difficult thing to face. You can lie to your friends and family and be accepted. Or you can be honest with yourself.

Is that a tough choice?
Cindy

You will then have to face reality. You will then have to face it from a great disadvantage, in that you have not set the conditions. They will be shocked and they will have 'first shots' and I doubt any of them will be good. GID does not go away, pray as hard as you can, sadly you will remain with gender dysmorphia.
Sorry
Cindy

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[IvyRenee]

I think I'm going to love you girls.  I have started researching gender therapists, but the money is what's going to prevent me from making the plunge as quick as I need to.  At least, I need someone who understands, with a higher level of knowledge, what I may be going through to guide me as I reconcile my beliefs with my feelings, my head with my heart, and my needs with my desires. 

Cindy James, I hope I haven't offended you.  I didn't want it to seem like I was just sitting around, hoping no one walks in.  I do this frequently at home, dressing in the small amount of clothes that I have.  I live alone in my own apartment, so it's my safe haven. You are giving the hard reality to me, and I appreciate that.  Thank you.

Heather Renee

[Cindy]

Oh HeatherRenee

You have not offended me in the slightest. I was just worried that you may have been setting yourself up to be 'caught', and while some of the girls have come out like that it may not be a good method in your particular situation.

Reality can be hard, but it is also reality. We all have to make some incredibly difficult decisions and sometimes having friends to talk to can help. Even if it is to have a horrible realisation of how tough it might be.

Do remember one key thing you now face. You are not alone now. You have your sisters and brothers here. We all know what it is like and we are all in different stages. We will help, we will hug you and we will cry with you. But we will never ignore you. It's tough having a family like this

They saved my life.

Hugs Hon

Cindy

[Kim 526]

Hi Heather, welcome!!

I was baptized in the Greek Orthodox church, was an altar boy then church organist. This was long before I came out.

I hope you find your truth. It will take searching and reflection. I suggest you find a therapist you can talk with.

Hopeful Hugs, Kim

[JoanneB]

My biggest hang up at this point is my religious convictions, you're right about that Cindy.  My religion has formed all of my moral views regarding life, the end of life, how sex and intimacy should be shared (and when), and things like that.

I come from a half Irish-Catholic and half Eastern Orthodox background. For most of my life I had plenty of guilt and shame over being trans and quite a few disasters in the quest to be "Normal". One critical piece of knowledge I picked up during my recent head-on confrontation with myself is that God does not make mistakes. If you believe that, then how can you say you are a mistake?

Unfortunately, most organized Christian religions feel a bit different about people who are born trans. They all tend to love a smiting Old Testament God from Leviticus that has simple solutions for anything that makes the masses uncomfortable.

Almost as unfortunate, is how long it takes us to realize that being trans is truly a blessing. IMHO, once you fully grasp those two truths of God makes no mistakes and we are blessed being born trans, the rest becomes incredibly easy.

I spent most of my adult life stuffing after a couple of failed attempts at trying part-time in my 20's. I opted to do the best "Normal" I could muster. Now in my 50's I found I can do a great "Me"; even though I am 6ft, big boned, frog hands, etc. etc.. Belief in yourself and that you are doing the right thing counts for a lot!

[Amalina]

Heather I know how you feel on the religious convictions, I am a born again that takes the Bible pretty literal most of the time. I've also just recently started to accept that I may be Trans, so this struggle is pretty fresh for me.

I'm not an expert by any means, and I'm sorry that I don't know much about your Orthodox Christianity, I don't have a denomination. I base my beliefs on the Word and my relationship with God. So all I can give here is my thoughts after some long personal internal debates and research on the topic.

If I am way off I'm sorry but this is what I've been lead to believe through study and prayer. I apologize if anyone else reading this doesn't agree, I have been meaning to write a better description of my thoughts between the LGBT vs Church conflict, but right now I'm just going to give my quick thoughts on the T part.

As far as I can see, being trans is not against the bible, assuming you follow through with SRS and stick with the opposite gender partners for what your destination one will be. As I said I am no expert but scripture is pretty clear on some of this. First of all Leviticus is the old law, it is in the book as a history lesson not as a guideline for Christians. Jesus fulfilled that law with His life and death. If you notice the beginning of Leviticus talks of sacrifices and continues with many other things you can't do some of which have to do with food or body.

Those laws mattered back in those days but today what matters is the new covenant from Jesus. Some of those laws He washed away with His blood. Others were clarified under this new covenant through Paul. So for our situation I believe that when the New Testament speaks of what is right or wrong it says in "1 Corinthians 6:9-11" NIV version, since I don't know your personal one.

"wicked; sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexual offenders, thieves, greedy, drunkards, slanderers, swindlers"

In that line it speaks of greedy people and drunks and thieves. Relating to our situation it speaks of Homosexual and Male Prostitues, in some translations it is said as effeminate. The last version is what I think most religious people would use against us. However I don't feel it applies to Transsexuals, we aren't effeminate males, we are females acting like females just not with the right body.

So to me it can be reconciled that those that go through a full transition would not fall under that assuming they are straight. Of course bottom line is this is just the opinion of a believer that might be biased looking for loopholes, or maybe seeing scripture for what it really is without the blinders of the OT filling the NT with things it didn't mean.

Either way it isn't my call or anyone in your churches call. It will be between you and God. Only God can judge you in the end.

As for the being made perfect debate and how can that be in our situation, I have some thoughts on that as well but would want to do some more research first since it's only from some online debates that I heard things and have no basis from the Bible to back me up right now.

I hope this might help you on your journey to finding your answers, I want to say one more time though for anyone reading, this is just my opinions and I don't claim it to be a perfect interpretation. Just my thoughts. I hope I haven't offended anyone, and I am really sorry if I did, that is really not my intention, I just want to give a perspective working within the boundaries of the Bible since that is what we as Christians use for beliefs and what others will try to use against us.

(hugs)