I already know I am going to cry when I write this, but when anyone reads this it will seem as though it is said with a clear 'voice'.
I just wanted to post an update of what happen and why I had to leave for so long, even though I wasn't a popular member, I was regularly posting for a short while, and really enjoyed it here. Also, there are many stories like this one on the forums, but I just needed to get it off my chest, and this was always a good place for that.
Where to start: the feeling of frustration when everyone treats a trans person like I am a sex object. This place is so good to see threads and titles posted and it has absolutely nothing to do with me being a "->-bleeped-<-", "slut", "whore"-- transexual.
I found ->-bleeped-<- porn on my brothers computer while fixing some bugs and glitches, and when I confronted him, "why he has treated me bad for so many years, and he is still looking at this kind of porn", his reply was, "Idk, dude I guess I am just messed up."
My mom will not even acknowledge he has this kind of porn and refuses to use the antonym "she" for me.
To go back a little, (and very little tears yet here), Christmas was just OK, because the guy who I gave up my 14 months of celibacy to, after 3 weeks seeing him, dumped me for his ex girlfriend...on Christmas... that hurt alot. Like horribly since I saved myself for someone I thought would at least be more than a few 'good ->-bleeped-<-s'. Well, even if thats all we were going to be he lead me on to feel like it was more. Instead of hanging out or even talking to me on New Years, she spent the weekend at his house.
So for those that were along back then, which probably not any now are, but I was just so in looooovvve *>>sarcasm inserted<<* with the man of "MY Dreams", who guess what? Flew to Miami to sleep with any slut at a strip club who would touch his 10" erect penis, and then came back and told me he NEVER wanted anything to do with me because he doesnt like MEN.
Then all his friends dissed me and called transwomen men, and I was more than outcasted from even being on their site as a forever unwelcomed and Banned member, but even till this day going on 6 months later they still bash my user name and had pictures posted of me with writing all over my face and scribbles.
I in all honesty became celibate for that guy and literally went through a LIVING HELL-- no exaggeration here--> and they treated me like a dirty gay man. Well, I just so happen to come across some gayish porn on a dating site recently, and the men engaging in intercourse and tongue kissing looked nothing like ts girls...nothing.
So, this is all horribly hard and depressing, with mom telling me its no big deal if I am not accepted to wear makeup and losing that ex, falling for a guy, and being dumped on Christmas for his ex. Who I didnt mention he dumped for finding out she has a meth addiction?!!? Seriously she promised she was clean now and so he dropped me like a hot rock, and you know what we went together like 2 peas in a pod I was actually shocked he would even ditch me at all....
To top it off when I was approved for SSI in July 2011, one of my roommates the pro scammer stole most of all of my back pay money and left me homeless and penniless, until just recently I have gotten back on my feet. So thats where I have been, and I thought I was never coming back to this place and I thought about alot of things. It was the worst time of my entire 27 years of existence. I was never so sick in my life. All because of what? Really, it makes no difference to anyone how I choose to dress really.
A guy was looking at me at Walmart today and I looked back at him and he made a grunt of disgust and looked at his druggy hoodlum friend who also looked away .... but those types of guys email me constantly on a dating profile. It makes me so sick, to have to be a part of this life. You know, even if god does exist he didnt make it wrong to be a tran woman or trans man, so wtf people are so hard on us for I can never comprehend, but I cant bare it, its unbearable.
I am starting school again back this January and I dread the young college kids. I am almost 30 and now going back to be around 18 year olds after this is dreadful.
Why is assisted suicide so expensive?
