Best: My dysphoria is so low right now, I can't believe that after 4 years of intense, hellish dysphoria, it took one year for it to practically disappear - at least on an average day. That is the best of the best. But also - when I started passing 98% of the time. When I realised that even if the occasional person mistook me for a girl, I'd gotten to the point where I was okay with it and it didn't batter my self-esteem. Getting a passport with the right name and gender - and getting mail with my name on it, for that matter.
This last Christmas - because everything had the right name on it, everyone was getting pronouns right (except for the occasional slip-up by my grandma), and it was the first big family event that wasn't incredibly uncomfortable for me. Even my far-far-far-right wing fundamentalist Christian relatives, who I haven't even been in touch with for long, called me Nick and everything without hesitation. o.o I think they might be glad I'm not a lesbian, because they seemed nicer than last time I saw them......
Worst: The first few months after coming out to my parents were horrible, mom was having a serious depressive episode... That it took me over 5 months after coming out to even start passing at all. The overlap between those that had me at the breaking point more than once. That was the worst. That was lower than I had been before I came out and started transitioning, because I at least could imagine myself passing if I tried, back then. Honourable mentions: muscular contraction and cramp during injection once, holy **** that hurt. Being really really afraid of what would happen if I ran into people I knew before transition, during transition, and being outed by them or simply gawked at - which was a real danger, considering how rural the area is. Still having some bathroom anxiety. Binder starting to take its toll. And most recent winner: having 5 out of 6 professors, all of whom I was on excellent terms with pre-transition, many of whom had offered (without being asked) to help me with references for my transfer to a 4-year college, mysteriously failing to so much as respond to my emails asking if they'd be willing to serve as a reference for my college apps, in which I
coincidentally mentioned my name change, as it appears on my college record and is already filled out on the electronic Common App reference forms. At this point I'm wishing I had asked for the reference first and explained only after getting a response. I could deal with a "sorry, no." Completely ignoring me? More irritating. I'm still hoping there's a more reasonable explanation, but it's not looking good.
