I feel awkward asking this, but I've been thinking about it for the past few days and I'd like your insight.
When I decided I was definitely going to transition to male, I thought a lot about it. At first I was hesitant, not just because it's expensive to transition, could (and did) lose friends, family, job... blah blah blah... but also because I thought that even if I did transition, I might still not feel completely happy with the way others perceive me. But I would rather be seen as male than female, it seems closer to how I really am and I don't just mean the stereotypes either. And at the time it seemed too complicated to even consider whether I was androgynous/two-spirit/non-binary/etc. If this was a perfect world, or if it was simple to explain this sort of thing to people and there wasn't this obsession with "male/female" on forms, legal documents etc, I would be less hesitant to figure this whole thing out and be precisely what I am, rather than "close enough to count".
Er, what I'm trying to say is, I tell everyone I'm FtM, but I'm not really sure if I am a transman or if I'm a "masculine-identified androgyne," for lack of a better term. Most of the time I feel masculine, it feels great when people refer to me as "he" or "sir", etc. But sometimes I feel... well, not feminine, exactly, like there is never a time when it's ok for someone to refer to me as "she", but I guess it's like there's this non-gendered or bi-gendered part of me that I wish others could see and accept. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but it's like there's part of me that is just... fragile?... and not the same as my usual male self.
I mean, for the most part, people (in Utah, anyway, where I unfortunately still live) have a hard enough time figuring out what the hell a transman is, so getting anyone to understand my occasional identification as something other than male but not really female would be asking too much of 99% of the people I know. But, I guess what I'm trying to do is just figure out for myself exactly what I am, because I don't like the idea that I may be (partly) lying to myself about my gender, even if it is just to simplify things.
Sorry this post is so scattered and confusing, I really am terrible at explaining this stuff. Essentially, I just want to know if this is at all typical for androgynes to feel like this, or if I'm just totally delusional. I mean, I know you or anyone else can't tell me what my gender is or isn't, and I'm not really asking you to figure that out for me, I'm just wondering if there's anything about this that you can relate to, or if anyone has felt like this.
I think my main concern is that I'll be too afraid to be exactly what I am, and that I'll end up regretting transitioning if I just go at it without thinking enough about what I actually want. I feel awkward talking about this, but as much as I want top surgery, I'm considering getting a breast reduction rather than complete removal of my breasts. Obviously I won't do one or the other until I'm completely certain about what I want, but... yeah.
And, whether it makes a difference or not I don't know, I'm on T and have been for a little over 7 months, quite happy with it and I intend to remain on T my entire life.