On one month away, unicorns and breakdowns

[Melody Maia]

So, as you can see from my ticker if you are reading this on January 7th, 2011, I am now exactly 1 month away from surgery. I got a shot of adrenaline last night just thinking that very soon I will undergo surgery to have a vagina. I literally sat up and said "whoa!" I find myself at times thinking this is a fantasy as if I am to believe that a month from now unicorns will roam the earth. At other times, I just get emotional and cry. There are so few who truly understand what my state of mind is right now, even within the trans community, that I find it hard to find people to talk to about this. Everyone else has their own problems and lives to lead and I feel a bit isolated. I'm prone to random breakdowns. I wish I could just sleep for the next month. I guess it will go by soon enough, but in a way not nearly soon enough for my taste.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

For what it's worth, you can talk to me about it anytime you want. I may not know how you feel in regards to the anticipation, but I do know exactly how you feel about the want. I remember when I was talking to you about it, and the way your describe how you felf about the situation, hit me like a mac truck because of how accurately it was describing how I felt about dysphoria.

It's ok to reach out. You've reached out so much yourself, please allow one of us to return the favor. And not because we feel obliagated to, but because we want to. I want to help.

[sysm29]

Well all I can say is that I am far from achieving that goal myself, something I have wanted for a very, very long time. 

I think it's important in the next month to remember that there are a lot of baby girls who will be born this year with penises.  You were one once, as was I.  This is something that should have developed with us in the womb.  We should have had this even before we were born. 

It can't happen fast enough but for those of us that have a long road ahead of us still, we wait.  For you the waiting will be over and you will join the many women who have had this surgery and experienced what it is like to be whole and complete.

It's alright to become emotional.  You're a woman.  I hope this month goes by very fast.  I'm not sure if that last month before the operation is really slow or really fast... I would imagine its slow becuase you can't wait for each day to go by.

Just be happy and remember that this is your time and I hope and pray it all goes perfectly for you my dear

[envie]

I think there is very little anyone could do or say to really help the month pass by faster or let you go to sleep.
But we can offer to listen at least and be your witnesses.
Still when I find myself in an extraordinary situation that takes all my strength and focus I try to meditate over it.
I do the so called "body scan" or "mindfulness meditation". Being long times skeptic about meditation I have to admit it helps.
Please continue to speak your mind here and there will be always some of us who listen!

[Cindy]

I'm here Hon,

Anytime

Cindy

[Re: Joyce]

Hi Melody,

       I can identify with your situation.  I was given a relatively long list of things to bring by Dr. McGinn and also needed to bring some food along for myself for the time after hospital discharge.   I got really wrapped up in all that about this time.   I sent a box of supplies ahead of time to the place I'd be staying via UPS.   I made a list of things I'd buy once I got there.

       My brain became a bit of a blur.   I had a lot of different thoughts, I went back and forth from depression (operation got cancelled for some reason) to elation (waking up after and realizing my greatest desires had been fulfilled).  I reflected back on the thoughts I'd had all my life of what that day would be like.   Every time I'd driven past a hospital, for example, I had a brief fantasy of being a patient there and having just gotten surgery.   All those fantasies were about to come true.

        The most difficult time for me came with about a week to go.  Dr. McGinn took me off all hormones for 2 weeks before the surgery and 2 weeks after, to reduce the issues of strokes and blood clots.  She said I could continue on spiro until the day of.  I became extremely emotional and I cried over everything.   If the weather forecast was partly cloudy, I cried about it....     

         6 months before my surgery, I drove one of my girlfriends out to Trinidad for her surgery with Dr. Bowers.  She would be one of the last Trinidad patients.  As we were nearing Trinidad in my car, I said to her that she must be a nervous wreck about now.   She turned to me and smiled.  She said she wasn't nervous at all, her part was easy.  All she had to do was lay on a gurney, get a shot and it was over until afterwards.   I remembered that and adopted that as my mantra.

        Once my plane landed and I got situated in the motel 2 days in advance, I totally calmed down.   I realized I was where I'd wanted to be all my life.  All my dreams were coming true and I just settled in for the ride.

        During my pre-op routine at the hospital, I was on the gurney with Dr. McGinn at my side.  She was going over all the final details with me.   She said that I was extremely calm and didn't appear to be nervous at all.   She was amazed.  I looked at her with a smile and told her that I believed she was the best surgeon in the world for me and I had every confidence in the world with her care.  I said my part was easy, all I had to do was lay there and go to sleep.   When I'd wake up, it would be over.

        That's exactly how it worked out.

         I will say that I was still very emotional in the weeks after surgery, before I could resume hormones.  A sympathetic woman gave me a little bag of Hershey's kisses chocolate as a medicinal therapy.  I am here to tell you that chocolate works.  I found that when I got super emotional, if I ate 3 little kisses, I calmed down right away.  It was amazing and caused me to realize why women seem to have such a thing with chocolate.

         I wish you all the best, I've met Dr. Bowers and her staff and she is first rate.   Many of my girlfriends have been her patients.

         PM me if you feel the need. 

         Do your best to relax and enjoy the ride.

   

[mixie]

So, as you can see from my ticker if you are reading this on January 7th, 2011, I am now exactly 1 month away from surgery. I got a shot of adrenaline last night just thinking that very soon I will undergo surgery to have a vagina. I literally sat up and said "whoa!" I find myself at times thinking this is a fantasy as if I am to believe that a month from now unicorns will roam the earth. At other times, I just get emotional and cry. There are so few who truly understand what my state of mind is right now, even within the trans community, that I find it hard to find people to talk to about this. Everyone else has their own problems and lives to lead and I feel a bit isolated. I'm prone to random breakdowns. I wish I could just sleep for the next month. I guess it will go by soon enough, but in a way not nearly soon enough for my taste.

You are in a very special position that few in the world will ever find themselves.  Of course you are getting your mind blown and freaking out.  It also sounds to me like you are so overwhelmed by gratitude that it is buckling your legs which is why you are having breakdowns.   I think it might help you to realize that it's a humbling to win against your worst challenge.   Some people might get really pumped up and proud about themselves which is awesome.  Others will be so blown away by their diligence and perseverance that they are undone.

I would encourage you to look at yourself and your humble place of power.  Of course keep writing about it, your poetry is beautiful. Sometimes poetry can capture what prose cannot.

Give yourself a big hug.   And maybe try to donate to something or give to something or someone,  a pay it forward.  If you see someone struggling with something themselves,  encourage them.  You are a living role model.

[Sophie-Jane]

See, that's the thing with unicorns, I believe they *are* all around us, it's just they are hiding most of the time And yes, like A_Dresden_Doll said, I might be rather far away from anticipating your exact situation (being mostly pre-hrt still), but I do feel the exact same way about being trans and the amount of dysphoria (I do feel like that bowl of petunias, too, sometimes I have to cope with). So yes, if you feel like philosophical discussions would help, I'd be glad to help

*hugs*
~Jane

Oh and of course: chocolate chip cookies do help, too

[Catherine Sarah]

Melody,

Trust us. We know where you are at. We DO understand. It is overwhelming. It is emotional, the whole thing. You will come out the other side a profoundly better person. Genuine, complete, whole, integral and integrated.

Cindy said to ring - ANYTIME -  She meant it!!  -  Please consider it  -  Keep writing your poetry, talk to  Dresden D, PM Joyce, anytime. It doesn't matter, we are here for YOU. Mixie, envie,sysm29, all have keys for you, to unlock your launching sequence to your new life. Sophie Jane has the chocolate.

I can understand exactly where you are at. As you are into photography you may appreciate the following.
When you are in charge of international sporting events comprising of 167 cameras, 5 aerial helicopter support units coming from 25 outside broadcast trucks, with over 500 staff/contractors, requiring 37 uniquely different sound and vision feeds to 18 distribution networks/agencies and facilities, using 12 simultaneous encoding formats with less than 10 days to setup, configure, make work and be on air 10:00 am Monday morning. Not 5 minutes before or 2 seconds after. I often feel as though I'm on a different planet. I can never tell you what time of day it is, BUT, I can always tell you how many hours, minutes and seconds there are till 10:00 am Monday morning. Yes it is overwhelming. Yes there are 20 hour days. Yes there are 1000's of issues to resolve. And with team work, it always happens. 10:00 am Monday morning. Not 1 second after. And of the millions of viewers that are watching, how many appreciate what has gone on to create this event?  None!! It's only the team that put it together, understand.

Melody, you are part of Susan's  team. Call us, PM us, write your thoughts, rant, vent, scream, cry. There are shoulders to cry on, hugs, embraces, kisses, hands to hold, hands to pat you on the back. I heard just recently that, one persons transition is everyone's transition. We are all transitioning for you. I hope Marci's new facilities have room for us all.

I spent 6 hours going through Marci's website on Saturday. It'll take me months to process what I read, and I still haven't finished. And you have done that and MORE, in just a little over 12 months. It's no wonder there are unicorns out there

You can do this girl !!! 

Lotsa Huggs
Catherine

[Melody Maia]

Thank you ladies. I do appreciate all the support. It can be overwhelming. It is so much more than I thought. It is a bit like childbirth in that you have to experience it to know what it is like. Words fail. Throughout I have paid it forward. In spades. At this point, I'm burnt out. I need to take care of me for a bit and I need to give myself permission to do that. There are times what I need is a hug and to be told it is alright. Those are in very short supply right now.

[Catherine Sarah]

Melody,

Once again, you are absolutely correct, on all points. Please give yourself permission to take care.

Let this month be yours, and yours alone. Yoga, meditation, warm baths, soft music, candle light dinners, a good facial. Whatever floats your boat. Spoil yourself, you deserve it. You have done more than your share of paying it forward.

Melody ?  It is alright. You are in good hands

I know it's a 1000 times better to have the real thing, but please accept

A group hugg from all of us at Susans

              

   Take care and know you are loved and appreciated here.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine 

[Re: Joyce]

+1

Great statement of support, Catherine.

      I agree with her.  Forget everyone else, focus on yourself for once.  It is your time and your place.

     You are on the edge of glory...

[Melody Maia]

Thanks again ladies. I have actually always found it difficult to put myself first. I might have come out sooner had a been a bit more "selfish" in my life. However, at this time, I do really need to take care of me.

[kelly_aus]

Melody, we've not had a whole lot to do with each other, but here's a  from me..

[Melody Maia]

Four weeks now.