First and foremost, I'm me. Mostly human. Mostly harmless.
AMAB. Nik, Niki, Niko, Nika, all me. I identify as female... or male... or androgynous... or none of the above. Gender Fluid is the term that I've embraced and am most comfortable with under the transgender umbrella. My current gender depends on so many different factors that I won't bore you with even a short list.
I've been on HRT for six months now and my body image is finally starting to match the mental image I have of me. The last few months have been some of the happiest of my life.
I started out 'cross dressing' almost 25 years ago, traveled through years of denial and guilt and depression until I finally accepted that my gender didn't match that on my birth certificate all of the time. At first, I thought I was transsexual, but that didn't fit quite right. After a lot of introspection and self-analysis, I came to realize that I wanted to be male and female and etc. I am comfortable as a man and comfortable as a woman, but I'm most comfortable when I have the option to be either, both, or neither.
I live in a small town between nowhere in particular and somewhere not all that interesting. I'm very open about being transgender, and I have had less problems here than when I lived in larger cities. People tend to mind their own business here. It helps that I'm a wonderful person, too.
I go out as female and male and anywhere [insert relational modifier].
I've had plenty of bad times, really bad times, and incredibly terrible times. Rape, violence, discrimination, objectification, to name a few that stand out most in my mind. I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am a conqueror! Fear is the mind killer... I've grown through (I was going to say past, but they're still in my mind) these things and others, again, through introspection, self-analysis, friends, and family (especially my mother).
Ten years ago, my mom asked me if I were transsexual. I was pretty deep in denial and guilt at the time and said that I wasn't. She said that she would love me no matter what I am. It wouldn't change WHO I am. I've since come out to her and she was right, she does love me.
Sure, there were a lot of questions, but they were the right questions: about gender, not sexuality.
My insight: Don't let ANYONE tell you what you can or can not be. Not even your therapist. Especially not your therapist. Get a new one if you need to. Don't blindly accept what they say, think about it, analyze it, and decide if it is right for you.
The world is special to me because, in anything, beauty can be found.
p.s. fire engines are not always red.
