I'm 1 week into HRT and I'm experience great trepidation

[Ultimus]

I fall into an atypical category in the transgender spectrum: I self identify as having  ->-bleeped-<- (->-bleeped-<-). Some may dismiss that ->-bleeped-<- exists and that the the guy who coined the term is whack. The word certainly fits me in every way, so I will continue to use it.

->-bleeped-<- means that I get sexually aroused by imagining myself as a woman. Ever since my earliest memories, I would fantasize about becoming a woman and enjoyed wearing women's clothes. In kindergarten during nap time, I would day dream about turning into a woman. Women's clothings and cosmetics REALLY excites me.

As I got older, I never developed sexual feelings towards women (or men). I am romantically and emotionally attracted to women. However, the only thing that has ever sexually aroused me has been ->-bleeped-<- thoughts or wearing women's clothes.

It has gotten so severe and disruptive in my life that I decided to transition because it would be the only way I could ever be at peace. I was tired of living in a secret fantasy land. Now here I am almost a week into HRT and I'm very scared. Scared that I could be ruining my life. You see, there is both a huge chance of reward and a huge chance of failure. My life is now split into 4 branches and I do not know which way I am heading:

Branch 1: jdinatale transitions and everything is wonderful and all that he has dreamed of since he was 2. If this is the case, then the gamble pays off immensely.

Branch 2: jdinatale transitions and the cost outweighs the benefit. What if I transition, and while I'm sexually satisfied, the other aspects of my life are destroyed. If this happens, I miss out on: being a husband, having an prosperous career as a businessman, I lose my birth family (they told me they would never see me again).

Branch 3: jdinatale does not transition and lives a relatively happy life. He tries to do the same old thing he has always done, which is to suck it up and endure. He marries, and while he would have a loving wife and family, a dream job, a dream house, and externally happy, he would never be sexually fulfilled.

Branch 4: jdinatale does not transition and lives a regretful miserable life. This jdinatale tries to suck it up as a man and doesn't transition. Then at 30 he realizes that he probably should have transitioned at 20. So he sucks it up again. But then at 40/50, he has a full collapse because of something he should have done 20-30 years ago.

So which branch will jdinatale's life take? This is really, really killing me. Any of the 4 are real possibilities I suppose the best compromise would be to try it now and I can always go back to being a man later. At least then I wouldn't have the "What if's" regrets

[Annah]

you seriously need a new therapist. If I told my therapist the things you stated in this thread, she would have waited longer to give me HRT. YOu seem very unsure of yourself at the stage where HRT has been given to you.

Your therapist worries me. And I am worried that you are under his care.

And I fear you just opened the whole ->-bleeped-<- can of worms again

[Ultimus]

you seriously need a new therapist. If I told my therapist the things you stated in this thread, she would have waited longer to give me HRT.

And I fear you just opened the whole ->-bleeped-<- can of worms again

But I've been to six different ones already in the span of two years. My psychiatrist finally recommended to start HRT after we couldn't resolve anything. This is the type of thing you have to plunge head first into. I can't just sit on the fence waiting any longer.

[Annah]

did you go to six different ones because you didn't like what they had to say or was it because they couldn't help you?

I totally understand you do not want to plunge head first into this but even after two years and you feel this way still, my therapist still wouldn't write letters. She probably would have referred me to other mental health counselors who are experts at various forms of mental illness. Now, I am not saying you have a mental illness..I am just saying what my doctor would have done.

Also, therapists wouldn't normally prescribe HRT because they cant figure you out. The reason being is because HRT permanently makes you sterile after 6 months. Based on the question you posted about your hrt, my therapist wouldn't have given them to you.

What if after 6 months you and your doctor realizes this was not the path to take? You will never have children again. Im shocked your doctor missed all of this.

[Ultimus]

did you go to six different ones because you didn't like what they had to say or was it because they couldn't help you?

I totally understand you do not want to plunge head first into this but even after two years and you feel this way still, my therapist still wouldn't write letters. She probably would have referred me to other mental health counselors who are experts at various forms of mental illness. Now, I am not saying you have a mental illness..I am just saying what my doctor would have done.

Also, therapists wouldn't normally prescribe HRT because they cant figure you out. The reason being is because HRT permanently makes you sterile after 6 months. Based on the question you posted about your hrt, my therapist wouldn't have given them to you.

What if after 6 months you and your doctor realizes this was not the path to take? You will never have children again. Im shocked your doctor missed all of this.

I tried everything I could with my therapists to live life as a normal man. But nothing ever worked. We tried every possible therapy techniques and medications. It got to the point where my only option for happiness would be to transition. It's what we determined the next step to be.

[smooth]

It could be that your therapist isn't that far off track. In prescribing hormones it may be that he's getting you to Really think about transitioning and wether it is what you truly want or not. Once you start taking cross sex hormones it is no longer a fantasy, it very quickly becomes real and in some instances it can be the kick up the arse that some people need one way or the other to help them focus in on what it is that they really need to do.
You may find that your interest in female clothing will diminish as the hormones start taking affect and your arousal might as well when you imagine yourself as female. Whilst I was searching for my own solution to the total headache that was my GD I read absolutely everything I could find and more besides. This was helpful. http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm
It may be that just swapping out your hormones will give you some peace, it will probably leave you impotent though so you do have some serious thinking to do. I don't personally think that you Need to transition as such just because you have started taking hormones, don't be pushed into it. I'm not convinced that full transition is the only answer for everyone. There are degrees of everything and you may find that just taking the edge off of your "maleness" does the trick. Best of luck in finding your comfortable place.....

[AbraCadabra]

Hi jdinatale,
to me the issue is more simple, if I may be excused.

Early HRT is often given (BELOW 6 MONTH IN DURATION!!!!! for the reasons Annah has mentioned already), to get EXACTLY the trepidation response that you have!
i.e. you are NOT transsexual but may be falling under some other description of the transgender umbrella, or some other issue(s)...

Honey, THAT IS MY TAKE. Period.
So be HAPPY you found out it (HRT) is NOT for you.
Get OFF the stuff and do your thing what ever that is.
Cross-dress be happy, get high being who you are in your fantasy - yet, if it gives you more problems then joy, go see a therapist - AND not necessarily one that is all transsexual oriented!
Therapists are also only human and go by their past learning - you obviously got 6 of them foxed already.

Axélle

[Assoluta]

I wouldn't necessarily get too caught up in the ->-bleeped-<- thing. If it is your sole reason for transitioning, perhaps you should ask yourself more questions, and the reduction in sex driver from the HRT might help you figure that out. However, if it's part of a bigger picture, then it doesn't necessarily mean transition isn't right for you. I know many people who are sexually aroused at the thought of being female and transitioned normally.
For me, while my transition was primarily about finding my identity, there was a significant sexual element as well, I got turned on by the thought of being 'trapped' in a male body, almost in the same way somebody might get off on being tied up or in bondage gear.

If I had paid too much attention to that, thinking that it was some sexually driven fantasy (and I had some doubts because of it, amongst other reasons) and let the thoughts cloud my judgement, I might have not transitioned, but I knew underneath, it was still the right thing to do. Sometimes we can look at established schools of thought or differing theories such as ->-bleeped-<- and label ourselves and therefore believe that we 'must' belong to that category. Don't bog yourself down in all that, just worry about what you know is right for you. Is it the sole reason or one reason? I would think it's normal to some extent to be sexually turned on at the thought of being a woman - you can finally express yourself sexually in the way you want to be, and in particular if you are attracted to women. I'm attracted to men, but even after my surgery, the realisation and the reality of me no longer having a penis and testicles and instead having a vagina is a turn-on for me, but I'd say my self perception in terms of gender was the main factor in my transition, personally.

Hi jdinatale,
to me the issue is more simple, if I may be excused.

Early HRT is often given (BELOW 6 MONTH IN DURATION!!!!! for the reasons Annah has mentioned already), to get EXACTLY the trepidation response that you have!
i.e. you are NOT transsexual but may be falling under some other description of the transgender umbrella, or some other issue(s)...

Honey, THAT IS MY TAKE. Period.
So be HAPPY you found out it (HRT) is NOT for you.
Get OFF the stuff and do your thing what ever that is.
Cross-dress be happy, get high being who you are in your fantasy - yet, if it gives you more problems then joy, go see a therapist - AND not necessarily one that is all transsexual oriented!
Therapists are also only human and go by their past learning - you obviously got 6 of them foxed already.

Where does this all come from? Is it from another thread? I can't see how you can be so sure that jdinatale is not trans and does not need HRT.  All that can be established now is that the situation is not certain. I was similarly very confused at the start of my transition, and while most people were supportive, one person stated that they didn't think I was trans, but here I am now, post-op and happier than ever. jdinatale may take the same path, or may not, no other person can decide that.

[AbraCadabra]

[clipped]

Where does this all come from? Is it from another thread? I can't see how you can be so sure that jdinatale is not trans and does not need HRT.  All that can be established now is that the situation is not certain. I was similarly very confused at the start of my transition, and while most people were supportive, one person stated that they didn't think I was trans, but here I am now, post-op and happier than ever. jdinatale may take the same path, or may not, no other person can decide that.

No, we are in the right place and thread for this my comment.
HRT in such cases is also used to find out where one really stand as far as being transsexual.
If the drop in sexual desire it will cause you, 'destroys' your place in the scheme of things i.e. no more sexual highs and all gets flat and awfully uninteresting etc. THEN, HRT is not for you, and you may be transgender as I mentioned, but not TRANSSEXUAL.
It is one of the ways that therapists get some insight as to what's going on.

I thought I made that clear. If you do not agree with that, that's fine but there's no need to go call me out on that with your comments.
Again if HRT takes you off your sexual high, if that is what you after, your motivation alone --------- if I be excused, WHY would you want to go on or insist with HRT?! Hello.

Axélle

[Annah]

Where does this all come from? Is it from another thread? I can't see how you can be so sure that jdinatale is not trans and does not need HRT.  All that can be established now is that the situation is not certain. I was similarly very confused at the start of my transition, and while most people were supportive, one person stated that they didn't think I was trans, but here I am now, post-op and happier than ever. jdinatale may take the same path, or may not, no other person can decide that.

I think what Axelle was stating: while HRT can be used to help someone immensely, I would not necessarily administer HRT as a litmus test to see how things "pan out." The main reason for me (and a reason for Axelle) is because of permanent sterility. That's a really big deal.

jd is in her early twenties and what would happen if she realized hrt wasn't for her after 6 months of HRT? She will have the rest of her life having to come to grips with the fact that she cannot have children naturally. Someone in their early twenties may not see the importance in that but as one gets older, many do have a desire to have children...even if that desire is not there right now.

So, as a litmus test to see if this will work out, HRT is a very big step and a gamble for someone so unsure of themselves.

My second visit to my therapist, I asked her when I was ready for HRT. She told me to "know thyself." When you are ready, you will know it....even after all the risks of HRT and transitioning has been laid out. If you do not know yourself, HRT may hurt you rather than help you.

Also, another point Axelle was getting at is the fact that JD has a strong sexual fantasy to be a girl. It's a very strong fetish and fantasy for her. When you're on HRT, your libido drops to the basement. If JD's main identity is to act out these sexual fantasies, it will be very hard to do since HRT will disrupt that. Some may see that as a cure, but growing breasts, feminine traits are a godsend for someone who sees this as a fetish but hardly the ability to act out those sexual fetishes because the libido is low is not really a cure. To me it's a band aid laced in arsenic.

[Ultimus]

I know that deep down that the only way to find sexual inner peace is to continue to transition. But the cost is SO great for me if I'm wrong. I'm losing my family members which are my literally best friends. I'm losing a prosperous career in business. I'm losing my good looks as a guy for a gamble at looking good as a female. I'll become marginalized in society.

But the sexual desire to be a woman is the most intense feeling I have ever experienced. And wearing women's clothes feels sooooo good. Just fantasizing is never enough.

One moment, I know in my heart it's right. The next moment I am filled with doubt, trepidation, and anxiety that I might be ruining my life.

[AbraCadabra]

Thanks Annah, for broadening out the rational, you have a way with settings things out well once more and clearer detail is called for.
(As a Gemini I often tend to go a bit too fast... sorry)

@jdinatale
There is this knowing: "... you can't ALWAYS get what you want..." and in your case that comes to mind. Wanting to have your cake AND eat it, is not ever going to happen, neither will it for you. Sorry.

Yet, it is VERY good you weight the importance between the different things you mentioned, and again if HRT very early on showed you - where it's NOT at - well it served a good purpose.
In fact that is what I was trying to get across.

As to how you move forward only you be able to tell.

And now the best of luck,
Axélle

[reathia]

Hi jdinatale,

I was in almost exactly the same place as you a few years ago.  I was in my early 20's, felt the same way, had the same sort of good male looks and was on course to go to a top med school.  I thought long and hard about what to do and decided I could just "suck it up" and just get on with life.  I thought maybe I'm just a cross-dresser or something.  Sure it mightn't be the best thing life but I had it pretty good compared to a lot of people.  It worked for a year or two but then during my final year of pre-med I tanked hard.  I Became severely depressed and attempted suicide.  I would bring myself to the brink of committing suicide, then decide to transition.  After deciding to transition I'd feel better about the world, and then decide life didn't suck so much and maybe I could just "suck it up" and thus the cycle would start again.  I also went through the whole "I'm too ugly to pass thing" (I'm 6ft tall) but that's another story.

Eventually I bit the bullet and went to a psychiatrist who was a complete idiot.  I lied through my teeth to get him to put me on HRT (I doubt he'd have let me if he thought there was anything sexual about it).  The whole ->-bleeped-<- thing seemed to almost go away after a few months on hormones, but even without that driving me on I am still much happier on hormones and think it was absolutely the best decision I could make.  I'm now 18 months into HRT, and even when I am in boy mode I still get ma'amed.  I pass well enough that no one questions my gender in restrooms, restaurants or the like.  In fact I pass so well that I even get the occasional guy trying to hit on me.

The whole ->-bleeped-<- thing is a crock of ->-bleeped-<-, if I had have listened to people saying that I wasn't a "true transsexual" or "HRT is not for you" I'd have never transitioned.  I very nearly didn't because of my own doubts around it.  I think you may find that a lot of trans people have some degree of ->-bleeped-<- (whether they'd like to admit it or not is another matter!!)

Feel free to email me if you want to talk about anything.

I tried not transitioning and hit branch 4 (almost committing suicide).  I tried transitioning and hit branch 1. You may be a stronger person than I, but not transitioning would just have led to suicide for me, so I guess I really had nothing to lose.  At least by attempting transition I gave myself the best possible chance of being happy (dead is not happy!)

[Assoluta]

No, we are in the right place and thread for this my comment.
HRT in such cases is also used to find out where one really stand as far as being transsexual.
If the drop in sexual desire it will cause you, 'destroys' your place in the scheme of things i.e. no more sexual highs and all gets flat and awfully uninteresting etc. THEN, HRT is not for you, and you may be transgender as I mentioned, but not TRANSSEXUAL.
It is one of the ways that therapists get some insight as to what's going on.

I thought I made that clear. If you do not agree with that, that's fine but there's no need to go call me out on that with your comments.
Again if HRT takes you off your sexual high, if that is what you after, your motivation alone --------- if I be excused, WHY would you want to go on or insist with HRT?! Hello.

Axélle

That's all fair enough, the reason why I was confused was that you said "Be happy you FOUND out that HRT is not for you" and "cross dress and be happy" as if the OP had already discovered that transitioning wasn't right and was 'correct not to continue', when at the moment, the situation is not certain. I agree that if Estrogen reduces your sex drive and suddenly the sexual desire to be a woman disappears, then it probably isn't the right choice if that's the only factor, but one can't come to that conclusion 1 week into HRT, or 1 week into transition, or whatever. Like I said before, I still had doubts and 'trepidation' even 6 months into HRT and it made me feel terrible and reduced me to tears when I first took them, but for me it ended up the right choice.

The whole ->-bleeped-<- thing is a crock of ->-bleeped-<-, if I had have listened to people saying that I wasn't a "true transsexual" or "HRT is not for you" I'd have never transitioned.  I very nearly didn't because of my own doubts around it.  I think you may find that a lot of trans people have some degree of ->-bleeped-<- (whether they'd like to admit it or not is another matter!!)

Thankyou, my views and experiences exactly. The ->-bleeped-<- theory may be valid for a few whose transition is driven SOLELY by sexual desire, but it need not be over-applied.

I think what Axelle was stating: while HRT can be used to help someone immensely, I would not necessarily administer HRT as a litmus test to see how things "pan out." The main reason for me (and a reason for Axelle) is because of permanent sterility. That's a really big deal.

I would agree, probably doing RLT without hormones for a while would be more advisable, to make things more clear, keeping an open mind to any possibility.

[Bishounen]

Also, another point Axelle was getting at is the fact that JD has a strong sexual fantasy to be a girl. It's a very strong fetish and fantasy for her. When you're on HRT, your libido drops to the basement. If JD's main identity is to act out these sexual fantasies, it will be very hard to do since HRT will disrupt that. Some may see that as a cure, but growing breasts, feminine traits are a godsend for someone who sees this as a fetish but hardly the ability to act out those sexual fetishes because the libido is low is not really a cure. To me it's a band aid laced in arsenic.

That depends from Auto-fetishist to auto-fetishist. For some people that transition because of these reasons, the drive is rather psychologicaly erotic rather than driven by Testosterone, or how to word it, so a person that has a full sex change because of the forementioned reasons, may very well turn out happy and living in a sort of constant "Turn on" ever on, something which has also happened in reality.
However, changing sex because of something like that, is much of a play with Russian Roulette; Either you get lucky or you get very unlucky.

In Jdinatale's case, I don't think there is any point to advice him on this and that as he simply do not listen to any advices given, but seems to be one of those that rather, as Axelle put it in another thread on another matter, almost "thrives on doubt".
He has been given loads of advices, yet he continuously asks; "What should I do?"

So the only way he can come to realization is to simply walk the path and do his own mistakes(Or fortunes) and learn from them.*shrugs*

Sorry if I sound blunt and careless, but sometimes there are simply no point in trying to take discuss with people and they have to make the important journeys and discoveries by themselves.

[Annah]

The whole ->-bleeped-<- thing is a crock of ->-bleeped-<-, if I had have listened to people saying that I wasn't a "true transsexual" or "HRT is not for you" I'd have never transitioned.  I very nearly didn't because of my own doubts around it.  I think you may find that a lot of trans people have some degree of ->-bleeped-<- (whether they'd like to admit it or not is another matter!!)

No.....people don't have varying degrees of ->-bleeped-<-. Wrong.

Saying you have various elements of a emotional spikes and mental depression in the medival period could have pegged you as a witch. Today, we see that as a type of mental illness and not demon possession. The symptoms have not change, the understanding of how we see things has changed.

->-bleeped-<- is an archaic term to explain certain aspects of ->-bleeped-<-....also, would you tell a gg she has ->-bleeped-<- because she wants to dress sexy for her date? Well im female and if i dress sexy for my bf its not ->-bleeped-<-.

->-bleeped-<- is like calling someone with bipolar a witch or retarded. If you want to label yourself as ->-bleeped-<- be my guest but stop assuming everone has ->-bleeped-<- because i do not associate myself with a label made up by Richard Blanchard

[reathia]

No.....people don't have varying degrees of ->-bleeped-<-. Wrong.

Saying you have various elements of a emotional spikes and mental depression in the medival period could have pegged you as a witch. Today, we see that as a type of mental illness and not demon possession. The symptoms have not change, the understanding of how we see things has changed.

->-bleeped-<- is an archaic term to explain certain aspects of ->-bleeped-<-....also, would you tell a gg she has ->-bleeped-<- because she wants to dress sexy for her date? Well im female and if i dress sexy for my bf its not ->-bleeped-<-.

->-bleeped-<- is like calling someone with bipolar a witch or retarded. If you want to label yourself as ->-bleeped-<- be my guest but stop assuming everone has ->-bleeped-<- because i do not associate myself with a label made up by Richard Blanchard

Whoa there.  I only used the term because that's what the original poster wrote, I've never really come across it before (the first time I read about trans-theory stuff I came across Germaine Greer, I don't really need that kind of vitriolic hatred in my life so I didn't explore the subject further).  If I've offended I apologise.

[Bishounen]

No.....people don't have varying degrees of ->-bleeped-<-. Wrong.

Saying you have various elements of a emotional spikes and mental depression in the medival period could have pegged you as a witch. Today, we see that as a type of mental illness and not demon possession. The symptoms have not change, the understanding of how we see things has changed.

->-bleeped-<- is an archaic term to explain certain aspects of ->-bleeped-<-....also, would you tell a gg she has ->-bleeped-<- because she wants to dress sexy for her date? Well im female and if i dress sexy for my bf its not ->-bleeped-<-.

->-bleeped-<- is like calling someone with bipolar a witch or retarded. If you want to label yourself as ->-bleeped-<- be my guest but stop assuming everone has ->-bleeped-<- because i do not associate myself with a label made up by Richard Blanchard

I am sorry, but that is wrong yet again, as you can indeed have varying degrees of various "leanings", such as various degress of depression, various degress of Bisexuality, various degress of Transsexualism, to only mention a few examples.
There are, for instance and according to Clanchard, also Partial  ->-bleeped-<-, where the person only wants to feminize certain parts of the body for sexual/fetishistic reasons.

As for the eternal discussion of the ->-bleeped-<--theory and the retorts from the opponents that every Cis-female that enjoys dressing up, then must have it aswell, it, by that logic, rather discounts Transvestism than the ->-bleeped-<--theory, as ->-bleeped-<- is not about the clothes(Although clothing may be a part of it) but about sexual arousement from the thought of having a body of the opposite sex, for which reason I must counter with how Wonderdyke put it in the earlier ->-bleeped-<--thread;

If jdinatale identifies as autogynephilic, that is, that they (I'm using they for lack of a marker for identified sex, but please tell me if you'd prefer another pronoun) feel sexually aroused by the thought of themselves as a woman (as categorically separate from "envisioning sex as a woman," you folks who resolutely claim that "everyone is ->-bleeped-<-, even cis women".  Cis women don't pop ladyboners at the thought of putting on a hoodie and jeans to go buy milk at the local 7-Eleven, and that's what the perceived separation between  ->-bleeped-<- and normal sexual arousal from sexual thoughts which are, sex-positivity mode go!, perfectly normal and nothing to be afraid of!), then so it is.  Jdinatale, if you identify as autogynephilic, god bless you.

In other words, I highly doubt that all cis-females are constantly turned on by constantly imagening themselves as having male bodies, which would be the equivalent of ->-bleeped-<- in bio-females(but then called Auto-Androphilia).
Sure, I am absolutely certain as I know for a fact that there are some cis-females that get turned on by constantly imagening themselves as having male bodies, but alow me to doubt that every cis-female does so on a daily basis, as the Autogynephile does, according to the theory.
Stretching the rules for the theory only because someone do not agree with it, is cheeting. Naughty naughty.

However whether a person with  ->-bleeped-<- gets happy with a sex change, is, as said, very individual. Some have been, and thrives on being "trapped" in a female body, while others, ofcourse, bitterly regrets having transitioned because of a fetish.

As said, Jdinataile simply has to do and learn from his own mistakes, as he do not want to listen to others advices.

[Ultimus]

Ok, so I've been on HRT for a week and I will just lay out the facts and hopefully we can extrapolate:

Pros:
-After starting HRT, my severe depression and anxiety began to lift
-Feeling the changes in my body (nipple sensations) feels really good and right
-wearing women's clothes and makeup has always been amazing to me, and this is WITHOUT including sexually motivated use (you aren't very sexual at age 3!)

Cons:
-Selfish (This decision is all about me and neglects my family's feelings)
-lost job opportunities
-socially marginilized

That's all fair enough, the reason why I was confused was that you said "Be happy you FOUND out that HRT is not for you" and "cross dress and be happy" as if the OP had already discovered that transitioning wasn't right and was 'correct not to continue', when at the moment, the situation is not certain.

This is true. I have NOT yet discovered that transitioning was not for me.

In Jdinatale's case, I don't think there is any point to advice him on this and that as he simply do not listen to any advices given, but seems to be one of those that rather, as Axelle put it in another thread on another matter, almost "thrives on doubt".
He has been given loads of advices, yet he continuously asks; "What should I do?"

I'm not sure what advice I'm not listening to. Is it so wrong that I feel uncertain about the most critical decision that I will ever make? There are so few things in life we know 100% to be correct.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

My dear, you are fine, and have been fine. It is normal to question, and it is healthy to do so. As all of us have chimed in, it would be good to seek a good gender therapist who can help you with these emotions. But, from when we personally talked, you seem clear about what you want. These feeling of guilty are partially self-imposed, and you are using them as crutch, or a reason, for not transitioning.

For what it's worth, I was having second thoughts about transition because transitioning on my job was a complete non issue. It was such a non issues, that is was completely business as usual. I got scared that maybe I wasn't trans because I didn't feel some great moment when I gave up presenting male. But, business as usual is what we should all ask for by our jobs. The point being, is that sometimes we over-think things, and sometimes we try to match our experiences with others, and when they conflict, or don't go down the same way, then we feel like something is wrong. You seem more clear than what you let on sometimes; let go and learn to love yourself for the first time in your life.