I feel like I'm giving up....

[RhinoP]

So a few months ago, I was on a kick that even while in boyhood mode, I was going to try everything I could to look at least soft, pretty, and romantic - I wanted to express who I really am to at least some extent, and I wanted to attract a boy who I had a deep crush on for a very long time.

However, after months of trying new clothes and hairstyles (I finally grew the balls to get some bangs to cover up my colossal forehead and it's really been a positive change), but I keep regressing to my more masculine side every time I see my huge, warped Tom Hanks nose that's been injured from two botched Rhinoplasty surgeries that also left me with severe sinus and breathing problems (and emergency room level migraines) for years. It always makes me think I look absolutely non-passable, as I've never seen one girl my age, in the history of my entire life, with a nose as ugly has mine - I've seen girls with humped noses, with prominent noses, and crooked noses, all whom's noses come together and give them still a feminine, defined look, like Lady Gaga - but for me, my thick-set, rounded, Elmer Fudd nose, opposite to the skinny, defined nose, makes me look like a haggard, drunken fisherman, and my Rhinophyma and Sebaceous Hypotrophy make it worse!

So then, as I've regressed to my masculine side a bit, I always tend to divulge in what I like dressing like as a man - the clothes that make me feel most comfortable are "gangsta clothes" to be honest, as I grew up in a predominantly black/hispanic town, and quite frankly, many of the urban men sometimes look tough and haggard in the face (not often, but sometimes), and it fits with my natal look the most. However, because my nose is so rounded and goofy (it really looks extremely goofy and nerdy, like Shaggy from Scooby Doo), I get made fun of a lot in urban circles with people my own age - in urban culture, unless you're black, it's most handsome to have a symmetrical, suave nasal shape, a facial symmetry that comes together and depics you as slick or suave. I don't have that, and it makes me feel depressed even in my guy mode in the place I manage to feel somewhat comfortable. I can even see my nose in my shadows on walls, and it sticks out so badly - my shadow always looks like Elmer Fudd! I even wear big furry hats all the time to balance it out, and people just make fun of that too!

And don't get me started on my male-or-female artistic side - a big part of me is that sometimes, I like dressing up and looking artistic and professional as an either-or gender thing (male or female, I tend not to care, as long as I look like 'me'), but my big, goofy nose makes me look like a football player trying to look intelligent, instead of a person who's composed countless symphonies, written dozens of lyrical songs, has authored over 20 screenplays, has trained to be a vocalist, cinematographer, photographer, and actor, and plans on starring in dozens of film productions. I look like a failure, and because my features aren't sexy (never have been in a relationship, have only had two sexual encounters in my entire life, compared to everyone else my age who have had literally 200+ sexual encounters), and because I'm not what the media industry is looking for in physical representation of talent, I am a failure: I haven't been face-value successful at any of my careers or life goals.

I'm just tired of being so ugly, and I went through the pain of two surgeries to look better than I did at birth, not worse. I really deserve to look more like myself, and to be compensated for what these previous doctors did to me - I know it to be true, yet all I'm capable of is ranting about it!

(As an explaination, despite being White, I was born with an extremely wide, flared, "African" nose that was the center of high school jokes daily - people would say I look like a monkey or like a dufus. With two nasal surgeries to refine the shape, the first surgery was extremely pinched and botched, causing collapse in the nasal roof and tip, and the second surgery involved rebuilding with grafts, which, despite being highly carvable and managable, the surgeon just "slapped" the grafts on there and now my nose resembles a melted potato.)

[Hermione01]

Not everyone is super attractive and I think it makes for a harder life if you're expectations are set too high.  Just work with what you've got, and love yourself, don't call yourself ugly. 
And regarding surgeries, they can be hit or miss. I've seen great results, some mediocre and some probably shouldn't have been done, but that's the price we pay, surgeons can't create miracles, even though a few may make us think so. 

[justmeinoz]

I guess it really comes down to what you consider important.  Is it more important to be a woman or "attractive"?  I would rather pass as a really ugly woman than  return to living as a relatively handsome man.   Your choice.

[Nero]

Rhino, it sounds like you have some serious body dysmorphia going on. When I saw your photos, I was expecting the elephant man. But you just look like an average, attractive young guy. You really don't look as remarkable as you think you do. And I see no trace of Elmer Fudd.

You need to get some therapy for this issue or you will never be happy with the outcome of your transition.

[caseyyy]

I just took a look at your previous posts and I am with Forum Admin here. I'm actually really shocked, because the way you described yourself I was expecting to see something shocking.

[RhinoP]

Well, the standard I keep repeating to everyone is that my life is absolutely over, meaning I will commit suicide (I would have done it years ago if this particular dream didn't save me), if I do not become some form of actor/actress in the next year. Simply put, that's what's going to happen. Hollywood (or any underground film circuit) does not operate on the basis of "if you love yourself or look decently human, I'll hire you/watch your fillm/produce your film, ect ect". I dare anyone to say they've seen a face like mine in any production starring people my age (21 or younger.) I don't care that everyone here has seen folks uglier than me working at McDonald's, they haven't seen a face as "unique" as mine in any successful film. A face like mine doesn't convey proper character or emotion in the roles I've trained to play, I've been told such by dozen of professionals in the field. Also, I dare anyone to say they've seen a 21 year old girl who looks like me. Most guys my age even look 10x younger and cuter than me, especially in the black/hispanic/asian race subgroups I'm surrounded by every day. I'll readily admit though, that most white boys are uglier than me, but not all. 65% of the boys and girls my age in my town, just from my estimation, look just like the stars and musicians I see on tv everyday. Like those Maury Show "I got hormones when I was 12" kids that now look like female models from out of nowhere.

And personally, I'd rather succeed at my career as a man (or even a woman) to fund my transition than to live in poverty as a woman who doesn't have a dime and is too ugly to find a mate that weighs less than 300lbs. But to succeed at my chosen career, and to pass as a woman, I need surgery to refine my features (clinically and according to definition, I have two major facial deformities, a "polly-beaked" nasal tip and a bossed forehead), it's a two birds with one stone thing. Betters my life in so many directions. Problem is, I can't afford it, and the best chance I have is insurance paying the breathing part and taking out a loan for the rest.

Oh, and btw, surgery can work miracles, as a plastic surgery consultant of 4+ years, I've seen Hollywood-tier results on hundreds of people who had the most difficult of cases, like cleft-lip deformities, severe trauma, and cancer. It's my belief that people try to minimize others' problems in order to feel less pity for someone else (or to justify their own failures in life aka I don't care if someone else is uglier and less successful than me because they have the choice to fix it like I do and most choose religion or daily comfort routines instead), and usually the most uneducated do this. Surgery is supposed to be a success, and the only time it isn't is when a doctor is drunk or plain out vindictive or talentless - in all my years, I've not heard of one patient actually having a nasal infection after surgery causing actual aesthetic complications - I've only heard of a few cases of infection in itself, and with a few anti-biotics, the result still looks pristine. It's always deformities in the carved cartilage, or collapses in the bone from improper osteometries, both of which I have, my case leading to a "drunken uncle" nose that looks every alike to the noses seen on heavyweight boxers. I just have a "mean, haggard" look, I know I do, I've been told it hundreds of times by casting directors, professionals, and friends alike, all who aren't stupid and many who specialize in the art of finding people who can display proper character emotion and portrayal. Frankly put, Tom Hanks wouldn't play the part of Taylor Lautner or Bella in Twilight, nor by any atomic percentage would he pass as a 21 year old girl in real life, and I sure do look a heck lot like Tom Hanks.

P.S. I was on the edge of suicide in my teens because of the extreme physical/mental abuse and bullying I went though both at home and at school, for my orientatio/gender nature and haggard appearance respectively. At home, I was yelled at every day, morning and night, before school and after, because everything I did and everything I dreamed of was "gay" or "for a girl", and at school, I was bullied relentlessly, without a single friend in most of my classes my entire life, for being "ugly"; my life was the exact opposite of all the beautiful boys and girls who were out cheerleading, starring in plays and musicals and talent shows, who were playing sports, or who were performing in bands and concertos. Despite the fact that I was singlehandedly the most talented person, especially writing wise (composing, screenwriting, ect ect), in my entire school. I'd at least try to be a singer right now and create home recordings to promote, but even my vocal chords and nasal ressonance were extremely effected by my botched nasal surgeries - I can barely even talk now, my voice is one big muffled nasally blubber.

[RhinoP]

P.S. I'd say 65% of the guys in my town, MY age, look like this:

http://www.karmaloop.com/product/The-Frena-Solid-Beanie-in-Black/184816

That is a VERY manageable profile and can very easily border on man and woman. Also, that type of soft, suave, androgynous profile is what is MOST COMMONLY handsome on today's young man.

Here's me (my real photos are on the LEFT, the RIGHT pictures are the morphs):

http://i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee437/RPlace123/fem1.png
http://i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee437/RPlace123/fem.png

I look like a VIKING compared to the male above, though my features are slightly more "rounded and soft" than a viking due to my Native American heritage - I still look like a bulbous caveman though. Like I said, I look just like Tom Hanks:

http://www.mypopulars.com/photos/tom-hanks/Tom-Hanks-1.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c6/Tom_Hanks_2008a.jpg/391px-Tom_Hanks_2008a.jpg

[spacial]

Perhaps, if you concentrate upon just being the best person you can be.

Frankly, boy/girl mode is a rather narrow aspiration. For some, of course, it's where they want to be, but there really is no reason why you or anyone should feel it is either/or.

From your photos, you have pronounced brow ridges. If I may say, much more than other men those in the photos.

But at the end of the day, it's about finding where you want to be, not where you should be.

Is that OK with you?

[RhinoP]

I just don't see the difference between wanting to be somewhere and needing to be somewhere as long as what you're dreaming of is the most important thing to your soul. With me, there's a triangle between being a woman, being a media mogul in many fields, and being physically attractive within a certain personality respresentation, and all three of those depend on having a facial harmony that is sleek, suave, and androgynous at the very least. So in my opinion, having the appearance I want to have is the uttermost most important transition step in any single life direction my entire brain has set me in, there's no negative unless my surgeries continue to go sour. I mean, if I accept having bangs the rest of my life (which I currently have), all I'll need are hormones and a revision rhinoplasty, which is performed on thousands of people every day. Not much to really point BDD at.

I've covered up my big ol brow with bangs, and just like I'm harking on about my nose, that simple, sudden change has made a TREMENDOUS positive in my confidence and now I no longer obsess about my forhead as long as it's covered up - I used to could see it in wall shadows as well and it'd make me cringe. But about my nose, I definately have the "bulbous, Elmer Fudd" nose that Tom Hanks has and it's a VERY masculine nose that does not at all match with the slender, defined qualities of say, Lady Gaga's nose (her nose is like the first male example above, very defined and sleek), or soft, slightly pointed, and button-like nose, like Rihanna's African nose or Scarlet Johanssen's nose. Some female noses are indeed somewhat bulbous, like Adele's nose, but that type of nose even only works best on women of larger weights and I'm only 115lbs - it makes me look goofy and haggard as a male or female.

http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Entertainment/images-2/da-vinci-code-tom-hanks-audrey-tautou.jpg

I DEFINATELY just have that Tom Hanks look about me and it's the HARDEST look to make look female, or even handsome as a YOUNG male. Everyone my age thinks Tom Hanks is ugly as a mofo. I'm NOTHING like the person I look like, and while Tom Hanks is of coarse an actor and probably has accomplished many of the things I want to, he's famous for playing MENTALLY RETARTED PEOPLE and GOOFY MIDDLE AGED MEN on screen. Not exactly my type of work, not exactly the type of work I've trained for. I can't comfortably or willingly perform the same roles his appearance has confined him to. Actors are not created equal, Tom Hanks can't go play Black Swan or Princess Diaries or even play a passable MTF like Cillian Murphy did in both Breakfast On Pluto and Peacock. I want to play the roles I want to play, I want to represent the personality I want to represent, I want to attract the partners I want to attract, and I want to, most of all, pass as a YOUNG woman. Not a 45 year old woman or an autistic, down-syndrome looking woman, but a real life intelligent 21 year old woman. And I mean PASS, not Trans-Meeting pass, but real pass.

P.S. Also, from the side, I've noticed I look a bit like Tom Cruise in a weird way, which is also someone who look super-masculine.

[Nero]

I still look like a bulbous caveman though. Like I said, I look just like Tom Hanks:

http://www.mypopulars.com/photos/tom-hanks/Tom-Hanks-1.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c6/Tom_Hanks_2008a.jpg/391px-Tom_Hanks_2008a.jpg

Well, it sure didn't stop him. As you can see, not all actors have the coveted look you describe. In fact, few of the really successful ones do. You've compared your face to Jack Black's, and he's pretty successful. His 'caveman' looks haven't stopped him.

[RhinoP]

Well, it sure didn't stop him. As you can see, not all actors have the coveted look you describe. In fact, few of the really successful ones do. You've compared your face to Jack Black's, and he's pretty successful. His 'caveman' looks haven't stopped him.

Explained in this paragraph above:

"I DEFINATELY just have that Tom Hanks look about me and it's the HARDEST look to make look female, or even handsome as a YOUNG male. Everyone my age thinks Tom Hanks is ugly as a mofo. I'm NOTHING like the person I look like, and while Tom Hanks is of coarse an actor and probably has accomplished many of the things I want to, he's famous for playing MENTALLY RETARTED PEOPLE and GOOFY MIDDLE AGED MEN on screen. Not exactly my type of work, not exactly the type of work I've trained for. I can't comfortably or willingly perform the same roles his appearance has confined him to. Actors are not created equal, Tom Hanks can't go play Black Swan or Princess Diaries or even play a passable MTF like Cillian Murphy did in both Breakfast On Pluto and Peacock. I want to play the roles I want to play, I want to represent the personality I want to represent, I want to attract the partners I want to attract, and I want to, most of all, pass as a YOUNG woman. Not a 45 year old woman or an autistic, down-syndrome looking woman, but a real life intelligent 21 year old woman. And I mean PASS, not Trans-Meeting pass, but real pass."

Not all actors are created equal, but Tom Hanks and Jack Black aren't MTF's.

[Nero]

Explained in this paragraph above:

"I DEFINATELY just have that Tom Hanks look about me and it's the HARDEST look to make look female, or even handsome as a YOUNG male. Everyone my age thinks Tom Hanks is ugly as a mofo. I'm NOTHING like the person I look like, and while Tom Hanks is of coarse an actor and probably has accomplished many of the things I want to, he's famous for playing MENTALLY RETARTED PEOPLE and GOOFY MIDDLE AGED MEN on screen. Not exactly my type of work, not exactly the type of work I've trained for. I can't comfortably or willingly perform the same roles his appearance has confined him to. Actors are not created equal, Tom Hanks can't go play Black Swan or Princess Diaries or even play a passable MTF like Cillian Murphy did in both Breakfast On Pluto and Peacock. I want to play the roles I want to play, I want to represent the personality I want to represent, I want to attract the partners I want to attract, and I want to, most of all, pass as a YOUNG woman. Not a 45 year old woman or an autistic, down-syndrome looking woman, but a real life intelligent 21 year old woman. And I mean PASS, not Trans-Meeting pass, but real pass."

Not all actors are created equal, but Tom Hanks and Jack Black aren't MTF's.

Ah, missed that post. Perhaps, but plenty of women will never be able to play Black Swan or Princess Diaries despite being 21 and cis.
Maybe Tom Hanks or Jack Black would have ideally played alongside Angelina Jolie as Mr. Smith or Jack Dawson in Titanic. But worked with what they had.  And it worked for them.

[RhinoP]

For example, a few years ago, I had a project lined up. I had written a screenplay and composed the score to a horror-romance film that was fully designed to take advantage of a micro-budget with no special effects, all on-location filming, young-adult semi-experienced actors (a few friends of mine), and I was also going to handle the cinematography using a camera I had invested in that has been used to film scenes in movies like Black Swan, 72 Hours, Rubber, Corpse Bride, Tiny Furniture, ect ect (Award-Winning films), and the best part was it was one of the few screenplays I have written that didn't call for me acting a main role in, so my appearance wasn't important. It was supposed to be my breakthough project, my one true inspired chance to break into the scene, and most everything was to be handled by the small-scale production company I also started some years back.

Long story short, I based the screenplay off a boy and a girl that I knew personally, whom were together and still are, and were performers, and it became important to convince them to do the film and gain their trust and friendship. They were the perfectly magical actors for the film, and I had never ever seen two people better, or even able to fit, the roles I wrote. It took all of a couple months for the boy to tell me he thought I was nuts, as he never took me seriously on anything I ever said (a sign that he thought I looked stupid, as this guy literally participated in any film or music projects any hot guys wanted him to do), and the girl basically said that she wasn't interested too and basically treated me like I was stupid as well. I never fit into their trendy little druggie sex orgy crowd, which was the only way they ever gave their trust to anyone, and thus, failed project, ruined forever, haven't found any substitute actors since. And admittingly, I haven't written another screenplay that has that specific set-up (low budget + not starring me) and I haven't found any productions, major or local, that'll even look at me just as an actor, and I've indeed tried to be open-minded - I've even tried to find roles with masked characters or whatnot, and it's very hard unless you plain out have your foot in the door with your normal appearance first.

My voice is even F'd up from my nasal surgery, I can't even make proper vocal sounds without tons of speech repairment therapy that I can't afford any more than HRT or FFS, though I've been trying to scrounge and take as many free online speech lessons as I can! I'm just a complete mental and physical mess, both from surgeries and bad hormonal developments, and I just wish my physical self would have looked different like 5 years ago - I'd have been so much better off, everything would have been so different, and if not, at least I could blame it on something else. But no matter what I act like on this forum, in real life I'm an extremely nice, generous, polite, caring, hardworking (well, determined and stubborn) person, and I know I deserve more than what I have right now. If nothing else, I deserve the chance to go out and date, party, socialize, and distract myself like all the attractive folks my age all still get to do, but the same problems that hold me back in my career hold me back from being anyone's real friend, the person people call to party with or chill with. It's the same thing over and over again, no matter wether I try to give people the impression that I'm a regular guy or a girlie guy or an actual girl, it's always the same thing - not one person is ever sexually or emotionally attracted toward me. And I don't care what anyone says, people my age SURVIVE on that type of human interaction, someone would have to be SERIOUSLY messed up in the head not to understand how that feels (granted, many Transpeople are asexual, I don't understand it but who knows, I'm certainly not.)

And with years of that crap, I'll go ahead and admit I'm not the most exciting person to meet. And basically, I just wish there that the government-funding semi-affordable insurance plans out there would qualify my issues as coverable, but since I never filed a legal case against the doctors that messed up my entire life, I have absolutely no help. No aid on any surgery to correct cosmetic deformities and breathing impairments. No aid for speech repairment therapy. And like all of us here are suffering from, no aid on Transitioning costs, for HRT, for Traveling, and for Surgery. It's just extremely not fair, and it all comes together and makes me want to realistically and, with a few benefits I can name, commit suicide. I could indeed change the world in quite a few ways if I was garunteed I'd die tomorrow, it's certainly a better cause than anything I could accomplish by going to Who Knows What Community College and working on Airplanes or some jack malarky the rest of my life, and because I'm a strict 100% atheist, I have absolutely zero pride on partaking in things like raising a family, proving that I'm humble by working at the Dollar General Store, going to chruch, ect ect. Never has been a instinct to me.

I just have no emotional alternatives but to do the things I've always known I've had to do. I do know though that anyone who says it's more extreme to reshape a nose than to cut off a dick and turn it into a vagina is nuttier than a squirrel pooping a fruit cake.

[KillBelle]

My Dear,

Let me just say that I thoroughly enjoyed all your posts on this forum; I believe that you are extremely logical and thorough, yet also very witty and honest. However, can I please please say that you are being way too harsh on yourself? I am 24 years old, not too far off from where you are now...and yes life can be difficult...it can be extremely painful at times, but YOU are the only friend you have, so therefore no matter how tough things get...you must have your own back. I was lucky enough to have found my best friend at 11 who was also transgender, we were able to rely on each other, give each other strength, and feed off of each other's positive energy. I am not sure if you have such a network of friends, but I am here for you as well. I completely understand what you are talking about when it comes to being in our 20s and having physical attraction being an important aspect of our personal lives.
However, that being said...you are NOT an ugly person...at all. Trust me; this is something you must believe in. The only thing that makes a person truly ugly is their attitude and perspective on their life and who they are. It is the truth: confident, happy, emotionally healthy, and mentally stable people attract like company.
So you've had a few bad surgeries, you feel that there is nothing you can do about it, ok, well let's scratch that off the chalk board and get over it. You must not dwell in the past, learn from your mistakes yes...but don't relive them over and over again in your conscience. You are slowly destroying yourself.

The most important thing is that you must forgive others, and more importantly...forgive yourself. Yes you may not look like most the guys around your area, however, when you learn to deal with just being you and accepting that (there are more important things in life after all)...you will be much happier.