need some love..

[JesseO]

Hey guys....I really need some love/support right now.
 
My best friend (only friend) and girlfriend of 3 years left me. She says she has not been emotionally vested in our relationship for the past year and has no feelings towards me at all. There are no more chances, she is done. I treated her like ->-bleeped-<- eventhough she is the love of my life. Between my aspergers, anxiety, depression, hormones/transition....I really f'ed up. I am harboring so much guilt that I have hurt her so much. I know one day she will recover from it, but I just feel so bad. I wish I was at the point in transition where I couldn't cry....I find myself just crying so hard I can't breathe...to the point of vomiting daily. I just don't know how to forgive myself. She is truly the only person I have in my life and she means so much to me. What makes it worse is that we work together. I took a leave of absence because I just can't function.

For any of you that have lost a relationship due to your own actions, how did u ever forgive yourself? It just seems like its not possible. It hurts so bad because my feelings and my actions towards her were on two different ends of the spectrum and I don't know why. I just feel like it's never going to be okay. I am sorry for such a down post, I just really don't have a single real life person I can talk to, other than my therapist. Of course, she is not much help.

Thanks

[Keaira]

First of all, it takes two to tangle. Non of this is just your fault. If she had a problem, why wait an entire year to tell you when it's too late?

Love can be painful but in time your heart will heal. If this relationship is truly over then you have to just let go, remember the best moments in it and take a step forward in your life. It's hard right now, I know. Don't hold back the tears, they can be cleansing. Believe me, there were time I wished I could cry when I was still presenting as male. And there were times when I did.

*hugs*

I hope that time heals your heart quickly. But there will be other chances and other people who come into your life.

[Joeyboo~ :3]

*hugs* x100

[caseyyy]

It's been a year and I still haven't entirely forgiven myself. I've just been working on my emotional issues as much as I possibly can, hoping that in the end it will redeem me to myself. It's all I can do, I guess.

It'll get easier though, I promise.

[JesseO]

Thanks.

It took her a year because she kept giving me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc chances. I guess everything is clearer in hindsight. At the time, I really didn't believe things were as bad as they were because I was still so in love with her. I felt like I was trying my best to fix the issues, but now that I look back...there was so much more I could have done. She wasn't a perfect partner but she was always considerate of me, and my actions to her were inappropriate at best. I would honestly give anything to take it back.  It just all feels like a bad dream. Looking back on some of the things I did to her, I feel like I don't even know that person. I let my issues overwhlem me.

Caseyyy....thanks for the honest answer. Sometimes, eventhough it hurts, it feels better that others acknowledge that things won't be better right away or possibly for a very long time. When you really feel like dying or your life is over (dramatic, but true) sometimes hearing "it will be okay" isn't enough, because right now, things arent okay. Thank you.

[Natkat]

you sound like one of my friends, he had also just lost his girlfriend and his best friend.
they where like famely to him, and its pretty harsh...

I bet its not the same situation however my first love cut all contact with me and everybody ells cause I got together with her boyfriend.
I had to live with the guilth for a long time, you sorta learn to live with it, it will heal in time but it takes time before it do so, the time is hard. I think the way I learned to live with it where to have alot of people to talk to about it,
I didnt talk to people real life so I manly chatted it out, and then I tried to writte it down in storys and so to get out with my fellings.

[caseyyy]

You're welcome; I know it's what I would have needed when I was in the early stages. When people say 'it's OK' it's like they don't understand the magnitude of your loss. It's tough, it's big, especially when you're early in transition and worrying that no one will ever love you again. I did a lot of the same thing. Depression, anxity, transition, all of it just piled up and harmed my partner. I thought I too was trying with what I had. It's hard to live with the regrets, but I am in a much better place than I was before. I've passed the 'dying' stage, now it just stings a little.

[Zerro]

I offer you ALL THE HUGS and hope that things improve for you soon. That's awful, losing someone so close to you.

As for your question - I did lose one of the closest friendships I ever had due to my own actions. I've been able to forgive myself with time, but I still miss that one friend and all the silly shenanigans we got up to. She was like a sister to me, and it tore me up to realize that I had driven the relationship into the ground with my behavior. What got me to forgive myself was to accept that what I did was wrong, and learned from the experience.

I ended up writing her a letter expressing my sorrow at the situation and apologized for my actions without giving excuses or anything after about two weeks. She replied, stating while we still couldn't be friends, she was willing to end things on a more neutral/positive note rather than on an angry one. We did so, and while it still hurts sometimes, I realized my mistake and chose to learn from it and not repeat it with anyone else I cared about.

[fatalerror]

Lost the person I'd loved the most too - he was my best friend and my boyfriend, and it was such a shock to my system that I too was crying uncontrollably and  was emotionally and physically sick inside. Like you, I blamed myself entirely. Please remember that regardless of the reasons things turned out the way they did, you were going through a really hard time in your life - try not to beat yourself up constantly. As much as we'd all like to be in control of every bit of our lives, we aren't.

I'll be truthful, it took a long time to move forward, but just know there's a light at the end of that tunnel and it will get better, however long it takes. You are not a bad person for struggling and it'll eventually improve! *hug*

[Z7Z]

*hugs*

I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. But, everything happens for a reason, so maybe you can learn from this relationship so your next one will be that much better. Remember the good times you had together, but don't dwell on them. Likewise, learn from mistakes you made in the relationship, but don't beat yourself up about it--what's past is past, so if you can't fix something then don't hurt yourself more by wishing that you could. Er, yeah, I'm not that good at giving advice. But I hope things go better for you in the future. Keep your chin up

[NikaPlaidypus]

*hugs*

I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. But, everything happens for a reason, so maybe you can learn from this relationship so your next one will be that much better. Remember the good times you had together, but don't dwell on them. Likewise, learn from mistakes you made in the relationship, but don't beat yourself up about it--what's past is past, so if you can't fix something then don't hurt yourself more by wishing that you could. Er, yeah, I'm not that good at giving advice. But I hope things go better for you in the future. Keep your chin up

Exactly!

Nothing I can say will make you feel better.  I won't try to marginalize your pain or guilt.  They're honest emotions honestly felt.  You behaved badly, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

Don't put it behind you, make it part of you.  Give it a good hard think, but don't wallow in it.  Accept the hows and whys of your mistakes.  If you know honestly why you behaved a certain way, it become easier to avoid making the same mistakes again.  Learn from it, grow from it.

[onep1ece7]

you  learn from your mistakes and you don't make them in the future...I think each relationship for me has been a stepping stone to a new one and each time I get better at them..eventually I will be find the right one and it will work out and so will you

[insideontheoutside]

I've lost people because I couldn't "see" that my behavior was causing huge problems with the other person. And some people just aren't willing to live their lives around your issues and wait around until you sort it out. It's just reality. It sounds like she gave you a lot of chances but during that time fell out of love with you too. It happens. Part of life is that there are ups and downs. Things never stay constant and when you can accept that they will probably be people throughout your life that will come and go, and many more chances for you to not only f**k up but also to get things right, then the easier it will be to grow from each experience.

For me, my big failures with girlfriends was that I was unable to open up to them. My first real girlfriend in college we kind of dated for 3 months and I hadn't made a move on her (because of my own insecurities, body issues, fears, etc.) and finally she just sat me down one day and asked me point blank WTF was going on. I had no idea what she was talking about because I was just thinking oh she's cool to hang out with, I guess we're dating, I don't know what to do. But it took her being absolutely blunt with me. The previous girlfriend I had in high school didn't go that far and instead just cheated on me with someone else and dumped me in front a whole bunch of people. The other person can be at fault too. But above all, honesty is paramount. And if you find yourself in a future situation where you feel you're trying but see the other person still frustrated, you just have to say to them you're trying and get their honest input too. People hiding their feelings in relationships just to please the other person can cause just as much problems as a big argument sometimes.

[Kreuzfidel]

I'm sorry that this is happening to you, mate.  I nearly lost my wife because of my inability to step outside of myself.  I agree that there's nothing worse sometimes than being told it's okay when your world has fallen down around you.  One day at a time. 

[Felix]

You sound a lot like my last boyfriend. Enough that it hurts to talk about, or even think about, the way things used to be so wrong.

I'm good friends with that same guy, though. My transition would have broken us up even if we weren't already on the skids, and I feel like it gave us an excuse to change the subject, to get some distance and discuss things.

There was a bizarre grey area time when we weren't together anymore, but we weren't friends yet, and we saw each other a lot. It was awkward and a little volatile. And he had enormous guilt. And I was hurt and also quite aware that no other adult cared for me.

The only reason I was going to comment here was to say what I said to him when he'd be upset about how badly he treated me, but I'm not sure about that anymore.

I won't delete it, but nevermind all that. We're here Jesse, for whatever that's worth.

[JesseO]

Thanks guys. I am trying to get through. I am going to attempt to go back to work tomorrow, and thankfully my manager is giving me an option to work a 1/2 shift if I need to. I went to my doc today and we are going to change my anxiety and depression meds to see if we can find something that works better. I didn't text or call my ex at all today, which for me is a huge step. I think I am getting out of that break up panic stage (ya know...where u just want to keep calling professing your love and how sorry you are....yeeeah) .

[supremecatoverlord]

*loves you madly*

D:?