I've been on this forum once or twice just to gather some knowledge, but I figured 3 in the morning today wouldn't be a bad time to just join since I'm starting to frequent the site at night.
Currently I'm a 20 year old, hardly-female. I go by AJ most often. Lately I've been wrapped up in research of the FTM processes, and I have to say it excites me. I don't remember a time in my life (even if it has only been 20 years), that I was ever comfortable in ladies' clothing or having long hair, it just bothered me. When we would be in school and a substitute teacher would call me "sir", or something to that effect, I wasn't the one to correct them. I was completely fine with it. Every other student in the class though, was all over that. Anyway, I've always preferred to look and act like a man, I've always enjoyed it. I spent a long time trying to force myself to have an attraction to men, and it started becoming clear just recently that I'm not attracted to the men that I say are good looking, it's that I want to be just like them. I have a lot of problems with jealousy when I see the ripped, good looking guys out there, that were born guys. I remember being 12 or 13 wishing somehow it would be like those movies, and if I asked for it or wished hard enough, I'd wake up and be a man. To my disappointment, that wishing still hasn't kicked in for me yet. I can't say whether its' to blame, but I've always had stress and anxiety issues, especially when I think about this stuff. I remember seeing those pictures of the boy-bands wearing undershirts(wifebeaters), I'd buy them, and would literally cry because they didn't look the same (those boy-band members didn't have boobs like I do). I just want it to change. Right now I'm at a standstill with what I want to do about this, but I've been doing my research more and more and trying to learn what I can do to be more socially accepted as a man. I don't want to go through a surgery to physically change everything, or I don't think I do. For now I'm still wishywashy with what gender I'm attracted to, and ultimately what I want out of life. Granted, I'm only 20. I have time to figure this all out, God willing. Also with the fact that I've joined the military, I'll have to wait until my enlistment is up to make any real changes. Though, nobody's stopped me from packing and peeing standing up
Now that I've written a novel about myself for you all, I hope to gain some good information and possibly some friends along the way that have been or still are in my shoes. Living in a hick-town like I do, you don't find the most tolerant people, let alone people that've been through the exact same situation. This post is probably scatterbrained and random at parts, but like I said, it's now drawing to 4 in the morning. Proofreading isn't my friend at the moment. Thanks for letting me introduce myself
-A. Jarrah
