How do you tell a man you're trans if you pass completely?

[Thriss]

For me there isn't much that would make me break stealth since I know it risks turning my life into darkness. I can only think of one thing I'd risk it for, true love, and even then I'd hesitate if it was worth it (that's the situation I'm in now). I might actually decide not to settle down rather than tell someone.
It is a very hard choice to make if you should tell or not. The stakes can be very high and the only one who can decide if it's worth the risk it is the person who has to live with the consequences if things doesn't go well. You have to weigh what you might lose against what you might gain so to speak. I've nearly been raped by a "date" I told prematurely some years ago, I've had to move and change jobs... I really wouldn't want to risk going through that mess again. All it takes is one person who by malice, ignorance, mistake, good intentions or whatever spreads the word. And by doing so ruining my life. Is it worth trusting too many people with that kind of power over your life? I came to the conclusion that it isn't but someone else might see it differently.

The difference between a drag queen on hormones and a transgirl is perspective. One sees them mentally as a female, the other does not...no matter how convincing the appearance may be. Therefore realistically, we can hope for society to respect us despite the contrary.

Maybe it's a matter of perspective and perhaps if you think about it that is exactly why some of us like our stealthy lives? To not have to deal with that?
Maybe you want to hope for "society" (meaning all the people in it) to change. Until then, no thanks. I'd rather have a decent life while you wait for society to change. If that happens then perhaps I'd be open about it. I doubt it though, I don't see the point.

Do you have any experience in the situation the OP writes about or are you just throwing around opinions on other people problems? If that's what you are doing then the OP is equally well off asking the same question at her hairdresser. If you don't know what you are talking about, perhaps your little crusade is better fought in a different thread in a different part of the forum?

[Bishounen]

Therefore, I prefer a man who loves me be either gay or bisexual...

You will never find a genuinly gay male that wants a relationship with an MTF, simply because someone that is a genuinly homosexual male, are not turned on by femininity and breasts, but by masculinity, which is also the reason that the very same gay males(Not including you here, sorry ) that are turned of by an MTF, often is turned ON by an FTM, even if that FTM do not have a penis, simply because the gay male sees a man, whereas the same male sees a chick in an MTF, regsrdless of birthassigned Sex, hence the truly homosexual male is uninterested.
I know you will disagree and perhaps take you own experiences as proof that this is not so, but fact remains that it is, as it is not a matter of opinion but simply how it goes.

Hence, the only type of guy that would truly "accept" you in an intimate way aswell as in regards of a relationship, will be an openly Bisexual male- Not a gay male.

Plus men who kiss other men are hot. I know, because I used to be a man shoving his tongue down a throat of another man.

That has nothing to do with having been gay at all, as even loads of heterosexual Cis-females finds guys making out, hot, just in the same way that a lot of heterosexual Cis-males gets turned on by seeing two chicks making out, too.

[KillBelle]

I have never told another person I used to be a boy, never, PERIOD. Nobody in my town nor my city knows who i used to be,  I will probably tell my fiance (been living together for 2 years) before he puts that ring on my finger...but that is about it. I think i can get away with it though, we shall see...if not there are plenty of guys out there =].

I personally do not feel that anyone needs to know post SRS...just live your life and enjoy your new womanhood for once and enjoy whatever good relationship goes your way. If you MUST tell him, tell him after several months AFTER he has already gotten to know your personality and who YOU ARE. If you tell him off the bat you are trans, than that is all he will see you as...a trans woman. But if he actually got to know you, you will be a woman who is trans. Get it?

Girl, if you can get away with being a hot chick, and men are chasing you around the playground...then enjoy it responsibly. Only downside to nobody knowing you are trans is the loneliness...i get that a lot...especially when i want to talk about my situation, and how i used to be as a boy. But he doesnt know that and it sucks when you can't tell him your issues. My outlet is this forum...this is where i go when i cannot vent.

Funny parts are when he asks me why i have glass dildos with numbers on them (my dilators) lmaaaaaaaaaaao, i told him i like to know how deep i can go...which isnt so far from the truth i guess =P

[Julie Wilson]

Thanks for the reminder to throw away my dilators ^_^ .

The problem with bringing it up to non trans people is by bringing it up you are communicating to them that it is an issue.  I don't bring it up because it isn't an issue, and I don't want to make it an issue.

More and more I realize I was never a boy.  So why would I cause someone to believe I was one?  Saying you were something implies ownership.

[Bishounen]

I have never told another person I used to be a boy, never, PERIOD. Nobody in my town nor my city knows who i used to be, I will probably tell my fiance (been living together for 2 years) before he puts that ring on my finger...but that is about it. I think i can get away with it though, we shall see...if not there are plenty of guys out there =].

I personally do not feel that anyone needs to know post SRS...just live your life and enjoy your new womanhood for once and enjoy whatever good relationship goes your way. If you MUST tell him, tell him after several months AFTER he has already gotten to know your personality and who YOU ARE. If you tell him off the bat you are trans, than that is all he will see you as...a trans woman. But if he actually got to know you, you will be a woman who is trans. Get it?

Girl, if you can get away with being a hot chick, and men are chasing you around the playground...then enjoy it responsibly. Only downside to nobody knowing you are trans is the loneliness...i get that a lot...especially when i want to talk about my situation, and how i used to be as a boy. But he doesnt know that and it sucks when you can't tell him your issues. My outlet is this forum...this is where i go when i cannot vent.

Funny parts are when he asks me why i have glass dildos with numbers on them (my dilators) lmaaaaaaaaaaao, i told him i like to know how deep i can go...which isnt so far from the truth i guess =P

I do however remember you telling you previous boyfriend, though.
Although it is fully understandable that you really do not want to tell anyone again after that experience.
I truly wish you all luck in the current relationship.

[AbraCadabra]

I think there is an age thing here also... and not just for passing...

If you have spend decades in male-guise it become almost impossible to cover your tracks with non-information, twisted truth, and BS in general.

A life situation that would be as, if not more, stressful then it was pre-transition.

So the old girls, I guess, would HAVE to own up.

What say you?

Axélle

[AbraCadabra]

I will be 50 this year so I guess that I am an 'old girl'. I have no intention of owning up for anyone. My life is mine and my private matters are private to me. "Bugger off" is the only answer required to a nosey question.

Beverley

We are talking about intimate relationships, or?

Like, - now put in your thingy --- and shut-up your face... really?

Not too sure about that now,
Axélle

[pretty pauline]

If you MUST tell him, tell him after several months AFTER he has already gotten to know your personality and who YOU ARE. If you tell him off the bat you are trans, than that is all he will see you as...a trans woman. But if he actually got to know you, you will be a woman who is trans. Get it?

Lots of good points in this thread, but thats about the best advice although every situation is different.
My own situation, I was dating my boyfriend / Fiancé for nearly 18months and had no idea I was trans, he only ever saw me and only ever knew me as a woman, I did eventually tell him my history when he wanted to get engaged and put that diamond engagement on my finger, it was a bit of a shock, but I was relieved, its now a non issue, in the past, distance history, we never speak about it now, we got married in August 2010, he's now a working husband, Im just another boring housewife.
p

[KillBelle]

I do however remember you telling you previous boyfriend, though.
Although it is fully understandable that you really do not want to tell anyone again after that experience.
I truly wish you all luck in the current relationship.

Yes that was the case, however...I have since moved to a different city, people here do not know...yet.

And honestly i wish i have the courage to tell people, but I don't have that mental strength. All the more power to the women who pass very very well but are completely open about who they are to the public. Personally i don't see why i need to walk around with a target board on my chest that screams (yay me i'm trans and proud!), because I perceive myself as a very dynamic person with more important personality traits than just the fact that I am transgendered...yet i don't need to display THOSE qualities publicly either. I guess the situation is different from people to people, perhaps i am not mature enough to grasp it...who knows.

I've lived most of my life as a boy and wondered every day about whether or not i will ever be a girl...now that my day has come...i just want to enjoy the peace and quiet without having to worry about any more gender issues. My destination to womanhood is finally here.

[Rosa]

Lots of good points in this thread, but thats about the best advice although every situation is different.
My own situation, I was dating my boyfriend / Fiancé for nearly 18months and had no idea I was trans, he only ever saw me and only ever knew me as a woman, I did eventually tell him my history when he wanted to get engaged and put that diamond engagement on my finger, it was a bit of a shock, but I was relieved, its now a non issue, in the past, distance history, we never speak about it now, we got married in August 2010, he's now a working husband, Im just another boring housewife.
p

If you don't mind me asking, were you two sexually intimate before you told him? 

[Cindi Jones]

This is a subject where I have actual experience. My hair was blond and my guy was in another line of the construction business. Otherwise.... yep, that was me.

I dated much more than I ever thought that I would. I didn't tell any of them. For most of the people I saw, it was one or two get togethers at most. I just wasn't interested. Most importantly, I was very firm about intimacy. NO.

Before I met HIM, I had decided that I could never love anyone without becoming friends first. Friends learn to talk about things, politics, relationships, religion, and so on.  And so when I met Mr. Right, we became friends first. I told him right off that I was a complex person to get to know and that was how I would build a relationship. We did things that friends do in addition to regular date type stuff. Backpacking was the ultimate in getting to know him. When you're out like that, you depend on each other and develop a certain sense of trust.... or not. But with him, it was strong.  When the time came for intimacy (anything more than a peck on the cheek), I had a really good idea that he might be open to the idea. I told him, he didn't give it a second thought. He was my best friend and to him, I was the love of his life. It got better from there.....

Cindi

[pretty pauline]

If you don't mind me asking, were you two sexually intimate before you told him?

Robertina, no I don't mind you asking, yes we where sexually intimate before I tolded him, Im post op since 1985 so Iv had the right equipment to have a sexual relationship as a woman with a straight guy, it would be complicated if I didn't, Iv always said its less complicated for a woman to wait till she has her surgery to have a successful sexual relationship with a straight guy.
My Husband has tolded me that he could never tell the difference that I wasn't born with my pussy and could never know it was created by surgery, he's a completely straight guy and had girlfriends before me, this issue has been discussed many times before on this forum, I posted here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77703.msg538355.html#msg538355 I hope my Husband continues to be attracted to me and I hope I can continue to please Him in that way as a woman. He did get over the shock, but now fully excepts my history and reassures me that Iv always been a woman he fell in love with, the exceptance and the way He still looks at me, has given me great confidence as a woman.
Pauline