I left my son and wife a year ago today

[Melody Maia]

Today is a year since I got in a car and left Texas for Florida leaving behind my son and my then soon-to-be-ex-wife. It hurt very badly and the thought of it today still makes me break down in tears. The rest of the week and month will be about celebrating my new life, but today is more about mourning. It is very hard to be true to yourself at times and this is one of those moments. I went back and found the post I made on here a year ago for those who wish to take a trip down memory lane with me:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,91081.msg660463.html#msg660463

[AbraCadabra]

Oh my dear girl, I can so feel with you.

There you look great and smile on your avatar and yet that is so gut wrenching to hear.

I wish we all, that are with you in thought, could be with you and hug you and hold you, and make it feel just a bit better.

I almost want to cry just thinking of your situation. Why must it be sooo hard? Oh why?

As my final thought: "Life Moves Forward" you will have to go and take it from there.
Then I wish for you NOT to loose contact with your child... oh I do so wish that.

Hug and Mwah,
Axélle

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Melody, that must have been a really difficult thing to go through. I'm glad you are with us, a year into transition and smiling. Take the time you need to be true to yourself Meghan

[mixie]

Today is a year since I got in a car and left Texas for Florida leaving behind my son and my then soon-to-be-ex-wife. It hurt very badly and the thought of it today still makes me break down in tears. The rest of the week and month will be about celebrating my new life, but today is more about mourning. It is very hard to be true to yourself at times and this is one of those moments. I went back and found the post I made on here a year ago for those who wish to take a trip down memory lane with me:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,91081.msg660463.html#msg660463

Why did you leave your son?  How old is he?   That is heart breaking.  Wives and husbands come and go but your child is a part of your soul forever.  You are on the right path.   Sending you hugs and much love.

[Melody Maia]

My nine year old son lives with my ex in Texas. He has a better life there. I have not lost contact with him, but I no longer see him every day as I once did. I used to be the one to clean his clothes, set them out, make his breakfast, lunch and dinner, check his homework etc. In other words, I was very much his mom even when I looked like his dad. Being there he can live a somewhat normal life without having to worry about my presence upsetting things in the neighborhood.

[mixie]

Hmm.  I think you are doing what is best for him now.  But as a mom I do think it is really important for you to be as constant of a presence in your life with him as possible.  i suppose if your ex is a woman then he already has a mom and you might feel like the odd "man" out.  But keep a diary.  Your story will be invaluable to him.

[Melody Maia]

Mixie, yes I am his biological father and he lives with his mother. Believe me, we have constant contact and I speak to him regularly. I also see him as often as possible. I will next see him just before surgery. I don't keep a formal journal, but I do download my FB posts. I have been a constant poster there about my feelings and experiences.

I am sure it wasn't intended, but your post seemed somewhat judgemental and disapproving of my move. It hurt and I think is unfair given your unfamiliarity with the situation. My entire story is on Susan's for those who wish to read it from the beginning.

[mixie]

Oh not at all.  I'm actually curious  Sorry it came across wrong.  I didn't want to ask outright and be offensive.  I just was thinking about how I'd feel.  It would be one thing to get divorced and move away. It would be really upsetting to me to move away and have him have another mother.  Especially if it was his biological mother. It wouldn't seem fair to me as a mom.  But I didn't want to go into that and upset you.   I was wondering do you feel that you are in an unfair position because you feel like his mother.  Or do you feel as though you were his father and so that's an entirely different role.  I've wondered this a few times when posters have mentioned their kids.  But not wanted to pry.

But at 9 he's fine.  I have three boys as you know.  Boys are a royal PITA until they turn 10.   After 10 it seems like a lot of things you've been banging you head against the wall over seem to click into place.   I remember with each of my boys losing my temper on them and being a hysterical mess when they were 9-10. Then suddenly it got easier.   And so I'd imagine this would be for me,  if you asked my opinion,  the perfect age to move away and do this.     Just IMO.  He's gotten the younger years.  He'll get the older years.

Right now it was easier for everyone.  That's just been my experience with boys.  Wondering if others had the same thing going on when they were 8-10.  I do know that according to Piaget they are going through the Concrete Operations stage.  At 11 they hit Formal Operations.  So maybe it's got more to do with that.

[Bexxi]

Hi Melody Maia, my heart goes out to you,  i have three children, two girls and a boy, ages 5, 6 and 8, i know as does my partner  but do not like to admit to each other that separation is imminent, even though we love each other very much i know she needs a man in her life, what makes things worse is that i am her perfect man .... to her!... so i have to live with the fact that i am breaking up her ideal family world and i think about this every single day.
     I know my kids will be o.k, i just know, i do not know how i will cope without them ( although they are quite naughty ) i love them so much,  i never had a father and i turned out o.k, i will always be here for them and my partner will never stop that, its just the thought of what should of been.. but unfortunately we have to take our own path in life, you have started and i have it yet to come. You have to do what you have to do for your own sake.

Hugs  & Good luck

[Bird]

I just want to wish you the best and good luck.

[Melody Maia]

Bexxi, I'm haunted every day by the pain I've caused my son. It hurts beyond belief and doesn't show signs of abating soon. I know my ex is happier. She has found a good man to be in her life.'

Mixie, I feel cheated. Plain and simple. I didn't ask to be this way or this path. It was this or death. The lesser of two evils filled with pain and regret. No doubt, I am happy to be me, but the price was higher than it should have been and some of that is my fault. I'm not sure if I feel like his mother or his father frankly. I suppose his mom although I played the father role before because I was always more nurturing than my ex. She was often the tough and stern one. In a way, I feel like I left him with his father and not his mother. At least in terms of emotional support. Does that make any sense? Not that my wife can't be nurturing, but it doesn't seem to come naturally to her.

I keep going, but there are days like today when I simply must pause, review and then cry my eyes out. These are very emotional times for me as I move forward. I have to have faith that it will get better. Not quite there yet. Soon.

[Amazon D]

I had only visitation with my then 7 yr old son. Then i transitioned and she told me not to come around. I knew i had issues so i didn't want my son to suffer so i stopped trying to see him. I did send him letters and stuff. He is 20 now and doesn't want to see me. His mom has tried but he isn't interested. She may die from cancer and then he will be alone except for a new dad she married and a step sister they had. In your case stay connected as best as possible. It hurts me so mch and i can only pray another doesn't suffer as i have these past 14 yrs since i finished transitioning.

PS: I do have another son who is 14 and he does talk to me on the phone.. I can see him periodically. Thank God for him or i would feel a total lose..

stay connected as best as possible.. don't make my mistake..

[mixie]

Bexxi, I'm haunted every day by the pain I've caused my son. It hurts beyond belief and doesn't show signs of abating soon. I know my ex is happier. She has found a good man to be in her life.'

Mixie, I feel cheated. Plain and simple. I didn't ask to be this way or this path. It was this or death. The lesser of two evils filled with pain and regret. No doubt, I am happy to be me, but the price was higher than it should have been and some of that is my fault. I'm not sure if I feel like his mother or his father frankly. I suppose his mom although I played the father role before because I was always more nurturing than my ex. She was often the tough and stern one. In a way, I feel like I left him with his father and not his mother. At least in terms of emotional support. Does that make any sense? Not that my wife can't be nurturing, but it doesn't seem to come naturally to her.

I keep going, but there are days like today when I simply must pause, review and then cry my eyes out. These are very emotional times for me as I move forward. I have to have faith that it will get better. Not quite there yet. Soon.

The biggest mistake a parent can ever have in their life is GUILT.  When I have a baby shower for new moms these days, one of the things I do is to write "Guilt" on a piece of paper and then take then over to the window and say  "Tear that up and throw it right out the window."

That's what you need to do with guilt as a parent.  It will give you nothing but anguish. It will have you make the wrong move.   It will  create a life time of regrets and sorrows.

Here's the reality.  Parents are supposed to make mistakes.   We're here to do life first.  We're here with the mistakes and the wrong turns and the sorrows.  And we learn and learn and learn.



Don't let it creep up to you.   Don't let it bring you down.   You are a mother, loving and pure and sure.   You are off on your journey of learning.  That path is filled with people who love and respect you.  You are paving the way for them.


Trust yourself.   Shed no more tears.   You are a wonderful person and your son is having a wonderful life.

[kelly_aus]

Thinking of you Melody.. 

[mixie]

Sarah7

Your post was touching.   It's so true.

But it also made me smile.  It reminded me of a MADTV clip about divorce or not divorced parents.  It's go two parents fighting.  So you might not find it amusing.  But it always makes me laugh now to think of those who say families are better when they stay together.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora Melody,

Speaking from experience, if your relationship with your ex is an amicable one, then the relationship with your child will get better !

I separated from my wife in 1997 and we divorced in 2000...However we have a cool but amicable relationship and the amicable part shows in how our children[we have four 3 boys and a girl] have coped with my change...I'll always be their father and would never deny them this 'birth' right and they only have 'one' mother[I would never try and take her place in their lives]...

But in saying all this, I have a loving relationship with all of my children and when they are in the country they come to visit [two boys are living overseas, Japan/UK, and my youngest is also overseas for a couple of months 'travelling' before starting uni-my daughter's at uni in another city]...

My ex and I have never bad mouthed each other nor have we tried to use our children in negative ways to get at each other...In fact when our children were young it was my ex who used to encourage them to come visit me...And when I had my surgery my oldest at the time was at uni in the South Island close to the city where the gender clinic was and he came to visit me in hospital...He also acted as my support person when I had to fly back down for some additional surgery [Z plastys' are common for the type of surgery I had]...

I'm sure because you still have a loving relationship with your son,[and your ex is not trying to poison his mind] things will work out for you both...It's called 'unconditional love' !

BTW * I forgot to mention, I too moved away from the area where they lived, and like yourself 'it was' the best thing to do, it freed them from any possible awkward/embarrassing situations ! 

There are many trans-people who 'NEVER" get to see their children after they have transitioned-So even though you feel the pains of separation[it does get better in time], 'always' bear this in mind and count your blessings...Image what it must be like for them...My heart really goes out to those folk...*

Metta Zenda    

[Felix]

Your kid will not understand this until he is an adult.

[Cindy]

Hugs Sis

Thinking off you.

We need no words

Cindy

[Catherine Sarah]

                     

                                            


Love
Catherine