Poll - Gender Parenting - How strict or lenient was your gender/sex upbringing?

[NickSister]

I don't think there were many explicit restrictions in my family but there were probably many unspoken restrictions as I remember doing things that were not quite male but still within acceptable limits. I remember when I was 5 or so I got mum to take me to ballet and gymnastics because these were things I thought girls did. I collected stuffed toys and always loved helping out in the kitchen ever since I could walk. My grandmothers indulged me here in a family where males stayed out of the kitchen.

My dad has manic depression and would often have hair trigger violent mood swings so I learnt to keep a low profile anyway.

[EJ]

My dad never really had much input on my upbringing and my step dad was about as good as a male role model as.... well he was not a good male role model.

As for my mum she would be constantly telling me that i acted like a "woman". I never got punished for it though.... that was left to the idiots at school! Infact I think my mum liked the female side of me now I think about it. Made me a better person i think to be honest and not some awful male chauvinist or a homophobe for that matter.

<3 my mum.

<3

[Robin_p]

I lived with my mom so it was confusing....One day i would get beat for being like my dad and then the next day because i was not acting tough enough.

The dig was they wanted me to be like my cousin who was making out at age 12. It stop being cute when we had to hide him from irate fathers. I was constantly reminded that i did not measure up to him until i was 18.

IDK i felt hurt all the time and a misfit..........

[Rachael]

i was born is, and my parents were told to raise me as male as possible to reinforce the repairs to me.
private boys school from 2 -18, little or no social contact with females my age, punishment for any signs of femininity in me. reinforceing of masculinity.
well that worked
R

[Lisbeth]

My parents never said anything.  In some ways they enabled me.

My mother was always happy to teach me to cook and clean and sew.  I was the only one who cleaned the oven.  I always did the laundery.  And my favorite toy was mom's sewing machine.  Nobody said anything when my sister outgrew her doll house and I took it over.  My dad even helped me get a new motor for my own sewing machine.  Both my parents taught me to be a pacifist and never fight back when I was bullied.  All of this suited my self-image.

Because of my early sexual experimentation, I got called "queer" by kids in the neighborhood.  I suppose my parents figured I was gay because they seemed so relieved when I got married.

[tarasita]

I have a few memories from my childhood but none of my parents correcting my behavior. I can remember only once, when I was a teenager, my father asked if I could go out and play football with the other boys instead of sit inside and knit. I can remember being home sick from school, I must have been 8-10 years old, and mum was going in to the city to do some shopping (yes, I was left home alone, but it was the 60's). She would always ask if I wanted anything when I wasn't well and on this occasion I had seen one of those knitting rings and asked if I could have one. She didn't even blink and sure enough, she got me one. My mother has always been there for me while my father has been more in the background (making all the big decissions ). Mum taught me how to knit, I taught her how to crochet, I did her hair, she did mine .

I was mistaken for a girl several times as a child and even my older brother just accepted it when people asked whether I was his sister.

[Jessie_Heart]

I was beaten anytime I showed any signs of being girly ( or "acting like a queer" as my dad put it) ironically during the same years he was so into gay bashing he sexually molested me even while he was trying to force me to be a boy! I don't think I was the one with the real issues!!

[RebeccaFog]

I said OTHER because my life was full of movement and had no structure to it.

   I lived in foster homes for a long time.  At least one of the women busted me pretty hard on acting like a girl before I even knew what that meant.  One of the menn took the opportunity to molest.  Both of these things added to the confusion in my life.

   I never really had an extended period of time when I was 'schooled' on how to be anything.


Posted on: October 01, 2007, 12:26:24 PM

I was beaten anytime I showed any signs of being girly ( or "acting like a queer" as my dad put it) ironically during the same years he was so into gay bashing he sexually molested me even while he was trying to force me to be a boy! I don't think I was the one with the real issues!!

Did you confront him when you became big enough?  Just curious.  You don't have to respond, however, I think I have a topic for a new thread.


Rebis

[Jessie_Heart]

Did you confront him when you became big enough?  Just curious.  You don't have to respond, however, I think I have a topic for a new thread.


Rebis

I have confronted him a few times about these things and his reaction is to get defensive and tell me that he did the best job he could to raise me and my brothers and then he starts talking how I didn't have it so bad. the last time I saw him was four years ago right before he went to prison (for armed robbery) and we had an arguement about this and I guess by that time I had become as masculine as everyone wanted me to be because when the yelling started I stepped toward him and I saw fear in his eyes fear of me. the wierd thing is I always thought it would be a good feeling to have him afraid of me but it wasn't because all I could think was what kind of monster had I become to have a monster like him afraid of me. if you want to know more just ask I am not shy but I just can't write anymore right now!

[RebeccaFog]

Did you confront him when you became big enough?  Just curious.  You don't have to respond, however, I think I have a topic for a new thread.


Rebis

I have confronted him a few times about these things and his reaction is to get defensive and tell me that he did the best job he could to raise me and my brothers and then he starts talking how I didn't have it so bad. the last time I saw him was four years ago right before he went to prison (for armed robbery) and we had an arguement about this and I guess by that time I had become as masculine as everyone wanted me to be because when the yelling started I stepped toward him and I saw fear in his eyes fear of me. the wierd thing is I always thought it would be a good feeling to have him afraid of me but it wasn't because all I could think was what kind of monster had I become to have a monster like him afraid of me. if you want to know more just ask I am not shy but I just can't write anymore right now!

I have nothing more to ask.  You were very clear in your response.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.
  For a while, I felt I was becoming like certain members of my own family and I hated myself.  I had to work hard to understand that I am my own person.  I am a good person who can be better, but I am definitely not the person I was afraid of becoming.
  I don't think you have anything to fear concerning yourself either.


Love,

Rebis

[Jessie_Heart]

   I have nothing more to ask.  You were very clear in your response.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.
  For a while, I felt I was becoming like certain members of my own family and I hated myself.  I had to work hard to understand that I am my own person.  I am a good person who can be better, but I am definitely not the person I was afraid of becoming.
  I don't think you have anything to fear concerning yourself either.


Love,

Rebis

thank you for your kindness Rebis and as far as being sorry for me going through that I truely appreciate the sentiment behind your words but I am not sorry for the things I have gone through (I would never want to try to go through them again mind you!) everything I have been through has made me a better person. the incident with my father being afraid of me showed me how I was viewed by others in the role I was trying to act out and it woke me up to the fact that even if it was an act it was who I was to the world and it put me on this path to opening up and allowing me to be who I truely am! and as far as my childhood I was shown how it felt to be treated in that manner and I know I would never want to treat others that way. if I had never went through it I may not have learned how important it is to treat others well. so it is all a victory in the fact I have learned very important through pain that I may not have learned otherwise! and the fear that I might be capable of being that type of person will always assure the fact that I will be conscience of how I treat others so even that is a good thing!

[Incubi]

I was raised by my mother single-handedly and she always treaded me and my little brother equally. She didn't care if I was male or female during pretend games (I think choos male characters more often but I'm not sure).
Ironically it seems to have not really worked with my brother: he (now 15) always expects my mother doing anything for him and often asks me to make him something to eat when she is not around. (I never do it. Most of the time it's just frozen pizza or something our mum made the day privious and you just have to put into the microwave. That's just ridiculous.)
It could be gender related (well, he surely never saw his father (or another male) doing something in our home because there was nobody) but it's equally possible that it's just pure laziness on his part...

However, I'm really happy my mum had no problems with me playing with the boys and my years lasting hating-barbie-dolls-and-the colour-pink-phase after my fourth birthday...

[Id Est]

No, my parent(s) never really mentioned it. There were no birth sex expectations/restrictions.

I know I am lucky to have two loving parents. As far as I know how I would act or dress was not interfered with by them (other people is a whole different matter). The biggest expectation/restriction would be the two or three times a year at a family reunion when I had to look and act my best...whatever that was supposed to mean.

Although, my mother started to give me little comments once I was a teenager, very subtle because I cannot recall exactly when they started or when they stopped. Just that there were some comments I was meant to take to heart. My parents, though liberal in so many ways, do not speak directly about anything relating to sex, including gender. I never even got "the talk" from them.

edit--So an absence of being taught how to act this or that gender may have stemmed from that they were uncomfortable with bringing up the matter, not purposely doing something for me or my well being. Who knows, bringing up gender may have been good for me because they are smart people. Yet, I have no idea what they think when it comes to maleness or femaleness...I can only guess.

[Christo]

Yes, my parent(s) occasionally reminded me to behave more consistently with my birth sex.

I didnt 'cos I didnt know how so my parents got mad all the time.   when I was 11.  I told them that I was a boy.  they didnt bother me no more & let me be.

[Lisbeth]

Here's the long answer:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,20810.msg159011.html#msg159011

[Alison]

My parents didn't really hold to gender conformity with our past times as kids...

My favorite toy (then and now) are remote control cars .. They told me I couldn't go for sports, but that had more with me being a klutz then being a girl... My sister was the star athlete in our family.... My brother played sports too but my sister was better lol..

neither my sister or me (our our mother) is expressly feminine..

[Pica Pica]

 i was fairly free. i was nudged in some directions. i remember my dad not wanting me to kiss him, but to hug him instead as a kiss was a bit girly. I still kiss him, just on his bald patch, the element of teasing that brings seems to remasculify the action a little.