Hi all, i think ive found the place for me!!

[sparkles]

Ive just found this forum completly by acident while clicking on a link for something else and i saw the androgynes title and thought id have a look, its unusal to see even in tg places. I started by reading the faq section and it just blow my mind to read some of the posts and feelings that people hav posted. i really could have been me writing them. so i thought i better  post a welcome and tell you all about myself.
im kerri (prefer my female name, my male one is just boring) im 31-32 next week woohoo. i work as a nurse which i love doing. I have been transgendered for as long as i can remember and took the usual number of years to come to terms with that, i tryed thoughout my youth to do all the manly things though never really felt like it was really me. Most of my firends have been girls and i seem to relate to them better than my male friends. I have always been the sort of person that gets on with people by being what they want me to be and sorted out other peoples problems. this as seemed to work for me up until recently when i just stopped caring about other people altogether which is not good when its your job. ive just gone to staff counseling and will see if that helps, dont know if all this will come up, its probalby time it did.

Ive been fully exploring my gender for the last 10 years and with the support of my partner have done lots of things in female mode from celbraty balls to fashion modelling. while all of these were fun and i always liked it when i went out and the way i looked felt right at the time. i never had that this is who i am moment and always hated the putting on the full slap bit to do these things. and as other posters have said it could be my fem side trying to balance things out. and as i have introduced my fem side to everyday life more this part seems to be less and less. 
at the begining of this year i said i would just try and be myself this year what ever that is. if anyone asks if i want to be female i just say i just want to be me what ever that is. it feels a lot harder to just be me than being a t girl. as for clothes i tend to wear whats comfy at home and shop at both male and female shops i would like to balance my wardrobe out more this year though my partner is always worried i will go to far i can understand this as she does not want anything to happen to me.

like other posters i have spent so many years hiding so much of myself, that i really seem to have lost most of who i am and built so many walls up in my head that i do not know how to do many of the fun things in life.

all i need to do now is try and work out how you do this androgyney thing in the real world, though finding this forum as been a god send and i will be showing this to my partner to try and explain it all to her and to me too

anyway im off now to post on lots of topics and generaly get in the way

hugs kerri

[tinkerbell]

Hello Kerri and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  I'm also sure you've found the right place!   Please take a moment to explore the site, get familiar with the site rules and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chatroom and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay!

tink

[sparkles]

thank you tink for your fast welcome, the more i read the more i feel im in the right place how it all works in the real world i dont know. also tink i love your avatar, i always used to dress as a witch at halloween so carnt see a reason someone carnt be a real witch.

[Lucy]

Hi trouble, i also wanted to welcome you to Susans Place. Im sure you will be happy here. The members like Tink and many of the others make this a great place to hang about and have fun. That is of course whilst getting help and information.
Enjoy your self.
Luv Lucy

[Shana A]

Welcome Kerri, glad you've found us, I look forward to reading more of your posts.
zythyra

[Laurry]

Hiya Kerri!  Welcome home.

I look forward to hearing more from you.  Read lots of posts, ask lots of questions and drop in a few smart-aleck comments, you'll fit right in.

.........Laurie

[sparkles]

thank you lucy, zythyra cool name that, and Laurie. for your welcome.

this is all a bit new to me at the moment its like the ocean is rushing in to my head i have lots of things to think about and probably lots to ask if i am going to live this way and not make a total mess of it. you would think after years of being a t girl that being yourself would be easy it does not feel like that it feels scary and confusing. i think that doing the t girl thing was a way of coping or hiding in some way this feels way more real eeek. hopefully i will not ask to many silly questions just tell me if i do.

[Kendall]

Hi Kerri. Welcome and hope things are to your liking. And give you a hug or a handshake, whichever you prefer. Also welcome to your partner, if you get zir to read or at least know about here. I read things to my partner sometimes. As for androgyny in the real world, its something I and several others do on a day-to-day basis. To me , in my opinion is something that has to be done in order to express a real gender (though its not so cookie cut like the polar genders). I also look forward to reading about your experiences.

KK

(aka Kendra/Ken)

[sparkles]

well today as been even better its mothers day here so been out with my mum and was a lot more myself with her than ive been in ages and then went off to visit the family and felt a lot better about myself and was a lot more talkative than usual. anyway the big thing was that my wife came home today shes been away this weekend and ive finally been able to fill her in on stuff ive found this weekend id writen a 8 page letter last night could not sleep. anyway the great thing is she is totally fine with it all and said it explained a lot as she thought i had been heading down the ts route and this made sence of why i wanted to wear female clothes. she got it stright away and was more than happy that i would finally be myself and said it was a lot easyer to understand than the ->-bleeped-<-ing. she even came up with ways that i could live in a more gender nutural way on a daily basis and was happy for me to go out in skirts and stuff if i wanted to if i was being me (dont think i am that brave . i think like me she had put the male and female parts in to boxes and thought that the female part might have been taking over. we are off shopping tomorrow to see if we can get a mixed wardrobe that will suit me, and its my birthday  so it will be a present. got lots of other things to sort out and will fill you all in on them as we go. 

[Casey]

Hi Kerri, and welcome. I'm glad to hear things went so well with your Mom. No matter how old you are it's always nice to know that at least one of your parents is on your side, isn't it?

I know what you mean about it being hard to just be yourself, especially after so many years of being someone different. I tried to be a "normal" guy for so many years that it was hard to let that go. But it does start to get easier as you do it more often. Even now I find myself rediscovering things about me that I've buried.

There aren't any silly questions, so don't worry about that. Heck, I'm not sure it's possible to be an androgyne or someone similar AND be "normal". So rather than worry about if a question is silly or not, just know that the questions you ask usually help you get a better understanding of yourself.

[sparkles]

had a wonderful birthday yesterday spent it shopping for clothes and stuff. it was great actually went in shops and looked for stuff that i would look good in its great when you have the whole shop to choose from  also it felt a lot easyer picking stuff and strying stuff on than i did when i was buying stuff for my girly look. i actually had to decide if i was gonig to wear it and not just put it in a draw and get out every so often. will be spending today seeing what i can get rid of on ebay. will keep some outfits for when i do want to go to events all girl which is fun sometimes. I also got my ear pirced which is a big thing or was before. but it just fet fine when i had it done as i was not doing it for some alteria motive but cos i wanted it. will probalby be gonig back soon and getting the other one done if i like this one also my partner was fine with it all too the change in her as been amazing. if i had wanted to get my ear pirced before it would have caursed a big argument again as she would be thinknig there was an alteria motive to it, she is just smiling all the time and is really happy that i am being myself. she is as you can gather an amazing person who i do put though a lot. anyway thats me for the moment im looking in to laser hair removal at the mo but will be needing to save up for that.

[Mia and Marq]

There really is nothing like a super supportive SO. That sort of support instills much needed confidence in yourself. I'm happy you're being supported so well. Make sure you tell her how much you appreciate her every chance you get.

-Us

[sparkles]

i thought of a question to ask, are there any really good books on this tha would help to read, even though i know that all the info that ken/kendra as collected is more than enough to keep ya going for ever i do like to read a good book at bedtime . anyway another big weekend for me to be myself. off shopping to find some gender nutural jewellry to wear, and also wear  the clothes i bought last weekend so present a bit more closer to how i feel. im getting there just want to be there now   its all the little things that take time. also i really want to get my other ear pirced this weekend to balance them out no one was that bothered at work and said i looked good with it. i really do need to start a blog on this, ive yet to get round to alter my website to match the new me, im not sure how much to leave on about the t girl stuff and picks as i like them but there just not me now. will also be sorting through my wardrobe to clear the overly manly and fem stuff so big ebay sale coming i think. anyway im rambling now cos im excited im like a little girl/boy in a sweet shop.     
still not started a blog on this so will continue to post here instead. Right had a good week though had one bad night were i just didnt think i was being the way i wanted to. Been to see my counceller again this week and been able to get in touch with my emotions for the first time in ages and cryed my eyes out also came to terms with some stuff too was good but very draining. also booked an appointment to have a test patch for lazer on my face, bit worried about it now but its on satarday so not long to get too worked up about it. will let you all know how it goes.

hi all again right, went to have my first laser treatment last night was not to bad hard a bit like a sun tan didnt cry though :0) and sat with an ice pack on last night. today it dont look to bad at all. spent all day yesterday woundering why i wanted to go through this pain and discomfert and could not really put my finger on it, probably the dark mark on my face does just not look right or feel right. i seem to be having a bit of truble with the looking right bit, i feel right inside now its just the trying to look right outside, im not to sure were im going with it all.
---------------------------------------------------------------
20/5/07

Hi all, just thought id tell you about the thing that happened last night. went out with my friends to the local pubs where i live last night and i wanted to dress in the more andro way that i have been doing to show them the new me. anyway they really arnt bothered what i wear which was good and they all thought i looked 10 years younger which was nice to hear, anyway while in one pub a group of girls started getting clever asking if my clothes had shrunk and one noticed i had breasts  which i have always had about an a size, which all my friends know. anyway she starts feeling me up and asking all my friends if im really a woman trying to be a man, and wanting to feel below to check. my friends were really good and came to my rescue. admitadly she was drunk and trying to be clever but i just kept thinking how cool is this and smiling at her which peed her off no end. anyway was a little drunk too but it made my night that she could think i was a woman trying to be a man. this is the first trouble that i have had and if thats all people can throw at you then im ready for it. anyway had to let you all know as im still smiling now about it

hugs kerri scott   

[Kendall]

Kerri,

Sounds like a great experience. Glad to hear your positive experience.

Thanks for the update.

Kendall

[sparkles]

WoW its been a year since i posted on my thread about me, dont time fly when your trying to find yourself. thought i had better post an update of were i am at now to show i have been making progress though i didnt think it had taken me a year to get here and i still have a ways to go. Right here goes. can not remember to dates when i did all this so in no perticular order. i have been to see my gp and been refered to the gender clinic so im now on a waiting list for that could still be ages before im even seen and still dont know if they cn or will help me. we will see, if not will have to go private god bless the nhs free but oh so slow. ive had my laser sessions so im now on number 7 and have only the really stubborn bits on my top lip and chin that just will not die, die dam you die. but im a lot happyer with my face. ive continued to dress in an andro/fem way and most of my clothes are like that now. still not mastered work yet but im getting there a lot more open there too, going on a hen night next month. been having conciling which as really helped me to feel i can be like this if i want to be, though i still dont have a def answer as to what this is or where im ending up. i now think i will just try stuff until i feel right and then stop there. im sort of going for the point between tomboy and tomgirl at the moment. anyway thats about me at the moment will post this on the othe r place too so appologies if  you have to read it twice.

[cindybc]

Hi Sparkles, just happen to come across your post and thought I would drop in and say hi and welcome to Susan's

Cindy

[Seshatneferw]

Thanks for the update, Kerri (you still prefer the name, right?). It's nice to hear that this works for you -- more so since that's pretty much the way I'm going too.

One question, though: considering what you wrote a year ago, and the fact that you are just about to finish with laser, is there really anything you'd need from the NHS?

  Nfr

[Eva Marie]

Kerri-

Welcome aboard, and Susans is an awesome resource.

Riven

[sparkles]

hi Seshatneferw, the reason that i want to see a gender clinic is that i want to go on a low dose of hormones or reduce my t levels. more for mental balance than for physical stuff though that would be nice too :0) i am hoping that they will be open minded enough that i will just need the stat 6 concialing sessions to get on them and not have to be ts for them to treat me. other than that id need to go private which is a lot of faffing about. i will not self med as while im will to risk my life, i will not put others through that. im in a bit of a catch 22 at the moment.