God, I truly hate my life

[Terra]

Well all, after talking to my landlady a timetable has been agreed on. I have two weeks to find a job, or I can find another place to live. Considering the small detail that I haven't found gainful enployment in the last four months, my outlook on the possibilites for the next two weeks is not that hopeful. In my mind I am faced with two choices that have any bearing of survival.

My first choice is that my father can come out here, and I salvage what I can to move hastily to wyoming to hopefully find a job to survive untill school starts in the fall. From here I will most likely rely on the many loans I will have to get for at least the first year as I work on my teaching degree. The possibilites of my being able to afford continued HRT treatment is rather low, as even with the shots being more economical to my suprise, they still would be several hundred dollars. But I could potentioally have a degree in four years, and hopefully find a job where worst case scenario I can continue transition.

The second option I see is convincing my therapist to state that i'm clear of any gender dysphoria and go in front of a medical board to enter the army. This would clear all my debt, give me money, a job, and perhaps allow me to get money to get my degree. Not to mention that the Army is quite desperate for people and I could even potentioally get a sign on bonus, even be able to work as a medic again. Obvious downsides is I would have to stop transition, for at least four years. I also would have to be careful as they military won't let me off as easy as it did before. But the end result could bet me where I want to be.

Both options are not great, and unless I can find a job to store alittle money before I go to wyoming, i'm not sure how I could continue transition either way. Not sure how this would effect my overall outcome as my body is starting to look femanine, and my face, well i'm rather proud of my profile picture. Being forced to stop this is a rather hard thought for me.

To be honest, I think i'm just ranting, don't know if anyone can really advise me on what to do. My parents said they could support me if I joined the Army, as they say they understand the reasons why I could even do so, but not sure if they really understand ANYTHING i do. I finally got my license, and want to use it, but I fear it is fated to become one of the most exspensive pieces of paper i've ever bought. I hate my life, I hate my body, and I hate who I was. I can't and won't go back, but i'm not even sure I can fake it anymore.

*sighs* Did anyone out there feel this desperate? What did you do?

[LynnER]

* LynnER huggles Elissa

I think I can relate to what your going through right now....  Im stuck in a catch 22 situation and it seems Im out of luck nomatter which way I turn...

employment is hard to gain and keep in my home town and being TS dosnt make that any easyer...  Im allmost totaly broke and my car is in the repair shop eating everything I have....  Im supposed to move to Denver, I shold have allready been there... but things keep going down hill leaveing me stranded here...

I pretty much have two options...  Stay in EP where my life is miserable and try to survive... wait and save to fix my car and leave at that point.... Or
Close my bank accounts... buy a bus ticket to Denver and spend the rest on HRT to last and go to Denver with no car, no money, and the wrong name on my freaking ID as I cant afford to pay the state the court costs for my name change (They denied the waver form to avoid the costs and the marker change on my ID)  which isnt that great of an option either....

What keeps me going?  Sheer deturmination and hope... allways keep hope and allways stay deturmined..... If I give up on either of those Im lost.

[cindianna_jones]

Elissa,

I've been there... I've done that.  I can sympathize with you.  Where to turn when you have run out of options?  I can't tell you where, how, or what... but look for another choice.  Look for any means to keep your life going.  Don't give up. There is a way. You can make it.

Life sucks.  It really does. But Elissa, when you conquer this and look back, you won't remember the bad times so much. Mostly you remember the wonderful things that happened to you. They will be a source of inspiration to you for the remainder of your days.

Get your education. Put that as your priority. You might have to put transition on hold a bit. But you're going to need a good paying career not only to pay for transition but to make life more comfortable. Do not give up on your education. Don't fail me on this sweetheart.

You're tough. You are a winner. You can do it.

Chin up!

Cindi

[Thundra]

May I make a suggestion?  It has worked for lots of people I have known in the queer community. If you have had issues with getting hired because of how you look (piercings, tatoos, hairstyle), your gender-ambiguity, or your sexuality, and desperately need a job -- go somewhere there are natural food stores like a Whole Foods or Wild Oats, or to your nearest co-op. Most of those places have staff that is usually at least 50% queer, and they will be way more sympathetic and understanding to your plight.

At least move to a city that has a large alt. population, like Denver, Portland, San Fran, Austin or the like. Your life will be much better than trying to struggle in a small town with a bunch of rednecks harrassing you. And in a larger queer-friendly city, you are more likely to find the resources you need to help you along the way. If I remember correctly, Portland used to have an organization to help young people through their paperwork for name changes, and hormone treatment.

Whatever you do, don't join the army or whatever. It may seem scary to move to a place where nobody knows you, but it is still better than joining the military. Ever hear of don't ask -- don't tell? They are looking for people like you to drum out of the service.

Look, I've been in the position of having no friends or family to turn to myself. When I came out to my family, they disowned me, and I moved out west. Ended up in Colorado Springs of all places, during Amendment 2. It was hellish. I would not recommend that to a youngin. Denver is a much better place to escape to from home.

Good luck, Thundra

[Melissa-kitty]

Elissa, I don't have good feelings about you entering the army. There are a lot of vets here, and can tell you much about the experience. Please reconsider, hard. I'm afraid it may take too much to fit in to the military way and mindset for you. Not to mention that you are probably not the army's poster child!
Wyoming.. I like many things about WY. But I had a friend who maintained that everyone in Wyoming should be in jail. I've not been able to contradict him, based on my experiences. It takes a special person to live and thrive there. Maybe you are that person. Probably not. Please reconsider.
You seem a very remarkable person, and I wish you a change of luck and blessings.
Tara

[Dryad]

I have to go with Tara on that one..
The army: Not a good idea. First of all, you have to convince everyone you're not TG, while you have allready had HRT.. That's a bit hard to do, ask you me.
Second: You live in the U.S. Not a good country to live in while being in the army. They're making war on just about everyone, and who knows where those ingrains'll send you off to?
Third: Any army that doesn't allow people because of their gender is.. Well, not worth joining, anyway.

Now, I'm not from the U.S, so I don't know about social facilities, but isn't there some way you could get financial help from the government? Just until you've got a new job? Where I'm from, it takes several months to get it, but at least you can tell your landlady that it's on it's way, and keep looking for jobs in the meantime.

[Brooke_NY]

Yikes!

Hi Elissa.

Without getting too political I would suggest you browse http://www.liveleak.com (*graphic warning*) and watch all the current war footage these folks are uploading on an almost daily basis before you decide to reenlist. The Army isn't just for money right now. It's war right now. Our main stream media will not show any of these clips.

I read some terrible articles in Newsweek, just yesterday at the Dr's, that depicted the terrible health care many of the Vets are receiving, or should I say NOT receiving.

Seems like stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire. But, hey, everyone has thier aspersions. I was going to join the Air National Guard in '91, so I can't really criticize. Just want to make sure you make a good decision for yourself.

Take care and just make sure you look before you leap.

hugz
Brooke

[Tak]

I was born and raised in Wyoming. A good deal of my inability to come out when I was younger was because I was there and people (remember Matthew Sheppard!) get killed for being different. There are two things I would certainly avoid! The military and Wyoming...

[Omika]

Well all, after talking to my landlady a timetable has been agreed on. I have two weeks to find a job, or I can find another place to live. Considering the small detail that I haven't found gainful enployment in the last four months, my outlook on the possibilites for the next two weeks is not that hopeful. In my mind I am faced with two choices that have any bearing of survival.

My first choice is that my father can come out here, and I salvage what I can to move hastily to wyoming to hopefully find a job to survive untill school starts in the fall. From here I will most likely rely on the many loans I will have to get for at least the first year as I work on my teaching degree. The possibilites of my being able to afford continued HRT treatment is rather low, as even with the shots being more economical to my suprise, they still would be several hundred dollars. But I could potentioally have a degree in four years, and hopefully find a job where worst case scenario I can continue transition.

The second option I see is convincing my therapist to state that i'm clear of any gender dysphoria and go in front of a medical board to enter the army. This would clear all my debt, give me money, a job, and perhaps allow me to get money to get my degree. Not to mention that the Army is quite desperate for people and I could even potentioally get a sign on bonus, even be able to work as a medic again. Obvious downsides is I would have to stop transition, for at least four years. I also would have to be careful as they military won't let me off as easy as it did before. But the end result could bet me where I want to be.

Both options are not great, and unless I can find a job to store alittle money before I go to wyoming, i'm not sure how I could continue transition either way. Not sure how this would effect my overall outcome as my body is starting to look femanine, and my face, well i'm rather proud of my profile picture. Being forced to stop this is a rather hard thought for me.

To be honest, I think i'm just ranting, don't know if anyone can really advise me on what to do. My parents said they could support me if I joined the Army, as they say they understand the reasons why I could even do so, but not sure if they really understand ANYTHING i do. I finally got my license, and want to use it, but I fear it is fated to become one of the most exspensive pieces of paper i've ever bought. I hate my life, I hate my body, and I hate who I was. I can't and won't go back, but i'm not even sure I can fake it anymore.

*sighs* Did anyone out there feel this desperate? What did you do?

Sweet fancy Moses, Elissa.

I have felt desperate before.  I suppose I'm lucky, though, I've created something of a safety network of very close friends beyond my immediate family.  I agree with Cindi in that education should be your top priority.  I know it's mine, and I'm also studying to be a teacher.  Right now I'm surviving by riding a bike around the city and working for minimum wage.  I'm actually getting by fairly well, so far.  If you had to choose between either of those two options, I'd go with your father, the army is never an option.  Don't even think about it.

Think hard on your options, though.  Do you have any friends, anywhere, who could help you out in any way?  Provide a couch to crash on for a while?  Something?  Anything?  I hope there is.  TG people are wise to make many friends for what we go through.  If worse came to worse, I'd let you stay with me, but we're rather far away, I'm afraid.  Just think!  There has to be something.

Right?

~ Blair

[Melissa]

If I remember correctly, Portland used to have an organization to help young people through their paperwork for name changes, and hormone treatment.

That's correct.  They're still around.  I worked with them before.

Elissa, I agree with what everyone says about the army.  It's a bad idea.  Especially with the fact that you would be formally lying.

You would be surprised what you can accomplish when you are desparate.  I would say you will definitely need to get help from others, especially those that you can meet up with personally.  Perhaps an employment security office or something.  You have to learn to be resourceful, otherwise you will regret this.  Even if you are kicked out, there will still be options.  Talk to friends.  I'm sure there is a much better solution than the 2 you proposed.  I made a bad decision out of desparation when I couldn't find a job and joined the army.  Once I was in I realized almost immediately it was a bad mistake and I was able to find a way to get out and shortly after I found a good job and started on the career path I should had done in the first place.  I'm hoping you won't end up making a similar one.

Melissa

[Thundra]

That's correct.  They're still around.  I worked with them before.

Outside In? I think is the facility?  It's been a while since I was over there.

Free HIV testing.  Free condoms.  Nice people.

Melissa, are we homies girl?

She could do worse than move to Queerville USA Portland, Orygun)

I hate it here, because of the weather mostly, but it's easy to be queer here.
Cost of living is shooting up though. Sure beats the military or Wyoming!
It's all relative......

Can you type? Comcast is hiring CSR's. Local company, good wages.
New Seasons Markets, Whole Foods, Wild Oats -- soon to be Whole Foods too,
lots of co-ops.  Tri-Met is always looking for driver trainees.(bus)
Portland State U.   VERY queer friendly.

If your heart is set on the mountain states, move to Denver.  I love Denver.

Again, good luck.  Be brave.  Nothing to do, but to do.

[Melissa]

That's correct.  They're still around.  I worked with them before.

Outside In? I think is the facility?  It's been a while since I was over there.

Free HIV testing.  Free condoms.  Nice people.

Melissa, are we homies girl?

Ouside in is the one.  They had the trans identity resource center up for a while, but due to funding had to take that down and hold everything at outside in. 

Yep, I live up in Vancouver and work in Portland.  You may have seen me around or maybe not since I don't stick out that much.

Melissa

[LostInTime]

Sorry to read all of that, tough decisions to make for sure.

It is hard trying to hold everything back.  I untransitioned once because the money I was making was not enough to live on.  I ate a lot of instant potatoes and ramen noodles.  A friend (and roomie at the time) was making good money and she was the reason why I did not have to pack up and move back in with the parental units.  It was a horribly difficult choice to make, to undo all that I had done.  But I did because, as you said, it was a matter of personal survival.

Afterwards I had the depression to deal with but that eventually took a back seat while I busted my butt to rebuild my life and make some opportunities for myself.  I managed to do so and though things are tough now, they are far better than what I dealt with back then.  I had five years lost because of it but at the end of the day, it was the right thing for me to do.

I hope that you can find the path that helps you overcome your current situation so that you too can rebuild.

Hugs,
LIT

[Terra]

Thanks all, it helps to get so much encouragment. 

Unfortunetly, I only have made one friend in the area that is willing to help me out, but unfortunetly, his parentls won't let him. As for the Army...well i've not trashed the idea, but am not packing my duffle bag. My first choice right now is to move to wyoming, where hopefully I can get my science teaching certificate. I would stay in chicago to get it, but apparently no school in chicago has teaching science on the high school level as a degree, so that leaves me with the school I have already been accepted at. Now if I caould just get my FAFSA out of the way.

I've been taking HRT for about 6 months, and had almost finished my supposedly my laser. if nothing else it is greatly diminished. I'm just alittle worried about how my body might change in the four years that it will take at least to start hormones again if I am unable to do so in wyoming. I think though once I get my teaching certificate my life will imporve, as then I could do things i've been wanting to do, like teach in Japan. 

Still have two weeks, but unless my luck changes drasticly, i'll have one last shot in wyoming. Only fear I have with that route is that my parents can only afford to give me one months rent, so if I can't find a job by then...but i'll try to stay positive.

I'm hoping that I won't have to much to fear, while the murder did take place there, I doubt that the town will want to go through such bad pubicity again.

[Thundra]

Yep, I live up in Vancouver and work in Portland.  You may have seen me around or maybe not since I don't stick out that much.

Vantucky, eh?   :: Brrrrrr ::   The burbs   :: ick ::  Leaving the city makes me nauseous.
I was born for the concrete.

Doubt that I'd ever see anybody around. All I do is work and sleep, and cruise the net.
Plus I'm out and about before everyone else even wakes up.

[Danielle_oc_ca]

If you are going to put your transition on hold, still take the anti-androgens to prevent any further testerone damage to your body.

Danielle

[Rachel]

I am truly sorry to hear of your plight

but i would say going into the army would ruin your transition, or at least make it a lot harder for you to pass.  My roomie was once in the army and he used to be like me (scrawny skinny lil me, and i can somewhat pull of female proportions) and how his shoulders and chest are much bigger due to basic training, muscle that would be very very hard to lose.

I guess i cannot add much in the way of advice though, seeing as i have barely started my transition myself.  I wish you the greatest of luck, and hope that whatever being you pray to smiles upon you and helps you find a way to make it through this.

[debisl]

First of all don't ever give up. Your life is too precious. Your education comes first. Go to school meet some nice people to room with. You should be able to find a part time job while going to school. Always remember if you want something bad enough you will find a way. The gay and lesbian community is a great place to network with people.
I have made some bad mistakes, but I was focused on my education. There have been many a time when I did not know what I was, but knew I needed an education to get to where I wanted to be.
The Army!!!!!!! No way. You break too many nails there. They play too rough.

Love yourself and become what ever you want

Deb