help

[Elsa.G]

lately ive been experiencing intense anxiety especially at night, so much so that it affects my sleep and i have been going a couple of days without sleep off and on. I look at my face and it makes me shake a little bit, i cannot stand looking like a guy still.... i know that im not that masculine but ive been clocked so many times because i dnt fully look like a woman. When i look in the mirror i want to break it, or i wanna tear off my face in anger because i just cannot believe this is me. In my heart i feel like i should be seeing a pretty happy girl looking back at me, ok maybe i dont have to be pretty or anything but i should be a female not this guy that i see... i dnt feel like myself because im not me... i pretty much feel like im in limbo right now, waiting for my real life to begin... All the changes seem like they are just taking forever.. And the penis, its enough to rattle up my nerves- i just absolutely cannot see it, i cannot look at it no matter what..... For the last year i have been showering only at night and in the dark with only a little bit of light from the hallway... it sounds crazy but it's the only way i can shower without flipping out and wanting to cut it off. And when i have to use the restroom i close my eyes the whole time so that i dnt see it, and if i happen to get a glance of it accidentally it makes my heart race faster as if i seen some sort of monster. For the past couple of days usually at night time i begin to shake and feel panicky... ive broken down and cried so many times because i feel as if i will be trapped like this forever.. Ive thought of ending it all an honestly im really considering it... i know that for some transitioning can relieve a lot of stress but i have had so much patience but it seems like everything is painfully slow including HRT.  I have only a small amount of cash set apart for SRS, its not much and i know its going to take me at least a few years before i will even be able to consult someone about it.. I just cannot accept this, i feel like my life is passing me by and im just standing still... i want to be happy and finish my transition before more time passes, i dont wanna be 30 years old (im 22 by the way) and still not have srs, i wanna enjoy my youth as a fully complete woman (at least by my standard) but it seems too far and sometimes a impossible goal.  Im tortured here in limbo and i just cannot rest until i get this done, i know not everyone wants or needs to get srs and ffs but i need them at least for my own sanity. Is it normal to feel this way, completely distressed? i appreciate any advice from anyone

[Cindy]

Hi Elsa,

Yes that is pretty normal. It is part of accepting yourself. Working through it with your therapist is good, if you have one. If not time to see one. Even your family Doc can help. Quite mild antidepressants can help a lot. I know

You also need to build your confidence up. There is nothing wrong, odd, strange or peculiar about you. You are a normal woman. Develop a little mantra to take your mind away from the morbid thoughts. Helen Reddy's 'I am woman' can be a pretty damn good place to start.

Once you get into a happy place, feel it. Let the happy wash over you so the scared little brain cells accept it.

Smile.

Smile even when you feel miserable, particularly when you feel miserable.
Why? People smile back. It is addictive. They may speak to you, 'you look happy' "Yes I'm feeling really good, how about you" Whoops you have started another friendship.

Your brain wants to be happy, tell it to be so.

And guess what?

Post here and tell us how you feel. Join in with gossip. The more you gossip the more contacts you have and all of a sudden you aren't lonely anymore. You have friends who care about you.  You have one now, me  

Hugs

Cindy

[kelly_aus]

As usual, Cindy has beaten me to the punch with the good advice.. Damn you, Cindy.. 

And you can add another friend to the list.. 

Hugs,
Kelly

[Jenny_B_Good]

Develop a little mantra to take your mind away from the morbid thoughts. Helen Reddy's 'I am woman' can be a pretty damn good place to start.

I am powerful and I am loved
I am powerful and I am loving
I am powerful and I love it !!!

may sound cheesy, but it truly works!!

Feel the fear - and do it any way - Susan Jeffers


Love and respect,

Jenny

OXOXOXOXO