Doing things with my mother is rough

[Bird]

Just venting.

I have managed to get my mother to accept my appearance and clothes, she is still very resistant to using the right pronouns and she is very self-counscious when we go out to do things. We went to have lunch today, and she was self-aware of who was noticing if I was passing or not, and then commented back to me, while refering to me with male pronouns.

It is embarassing, because I have been passing regularly (though it is not 100% yet) but when she says "Son" aloud, it is a given I won't pass. It is also a given I get self-aware, feel awkward and just want to dig a deep hole and hide. She in turn, is extremely self-aware as well and not completely comfortable with how I am yet, so I bet we give out all kinds of signals.

As a example of how this goes, we went to pick a table at the place we were, as I went over to a table, I noticed there was a car key left on it and here in Brazil it usually means that table is picked, so we went to another. I went to one table and she for whatever reason went to another one and as she reached it she said "Son??" aloud, allowing the folks that were across a table between us to overhear very clearly. These folks them gave me and her "the look".

As she went to have a seat with me, she commented about how everyone in the place could notice I am trans and I am not passing, mentioning the look the people on the table to our side gave me. It was fairly frustating and uncomfortable. I'm trying really hard to be accepted by her, but for now I think, I will avoid going out with her as much as I can as it has not been good for me at all.

[spacial]

Her being so self conscious demonstrates she is actually insecure about herself.

Under the circumstances, anything you do is unlikely to be making things a lot worse for her, other than giving her a reason, at least for herself.

If I may suggest, the main thing is not to take it too personally and spend a lot of energy boosting her self esteem.

From the photos you've published of yourself, you look fine. So that is certainly not the problem.

[sprouts]

Judging from pics that you've posted, I think you pass, and you do so pretty well.  I think your Mom's too harsh and both of you have a heightened sensitivity right now.

I imagine that if you walked into any public place most everyone wouldn't think twice, but when your mom begins using the incorrect pronouns, people will look.  They probably are just trying to figure it out.  I know I'd be wondering why that woman was referring to her daughter as her son.

She probably sees that you are passing, and thta makes her uncomfortable.  I don't know your personal history but I'd imagine that she's raised you as a boy and that she's spent the past 20-something years doing so.  She must be having a hard time with it, and that should be expected.

I just came out to my mom and sister and I'm kind of experiencing some of these issues.

In sum, you look good.

[Bird]

Thank you both of you.

You are right, Verde, when you say she raised me as a boy. I think this has been true for most of TG people, being raised as the opposite gender. It won't be easy for both of us.

She, behaving as she does and saying the things the way she do, does hurt me and also lowers my confidence. It will be a long road.

[ByeBye]

Bird, at least your mother accepts you for being a woman. My parents completely didn't accept me. I had to sneak out of the house when I presented feminine with makeup (yes I'm still young and I still live with my parents.) for if I was found, I would be verbally crucified and called crazy. I ended up doubting ever being accepted and going back to boy mode. I want to go back to girl mode.

[Princess of Hearts]

People tend to think that what they think and in this case notice everybody else notices.   Because your mother knows that you aren't biologically female she has projected that thought on to everyone else.  Probably nobody else noticed or if they did then they weren't bothered by it.   

We tend to think that mothers ought to be much more tolerant and accepting than fathers so their attitude and opinions about us tend to count for a very great deal.   However, mothers are also human beings and like all human beings they want things their own way.   Your mother feels uncomfortable being with you in public places and so wanting to feel happier she is trying at a semi-unconscious level to get you to  drop your 'embarrassing' behaviour.   We tend to think that mothers should always be prepared to put our happiness before their own.   However, human nature is very selfish we want to be happy and so if the circumstances demand it we will try and buy that happiness by making somebody else miserable.   
Do NOT try to appease your mother, because if you start down that path I guarantee that within 6 months you will no longer be dressing as you are and you will be back to looking like a 'male' 24/7, and you can completely forget about her ever using the correct pronouns.   You may have to distance yourself from your mother into your transition is much more advanced.   

[sprouts]

I can appreciate where HappyGirl is coming from, and we all have different experiences, but I wouldn't plan on writing your mom off.  I really think that she just needs a bit more time. 

My sister was incredibly emotional when she found out.  I was really surprised that she was so upset, but you know, after literally one conversation, she felt so much better.  She needed to know that this wasn't some sort of impulsive perversion or whatever else she may have been thinking.  I just told her how I'd felt this way for as long as I could remember and that I'm really, really happy.  She's an awesome sister for the most part, which helps.  My mom's coming around a bit slower, but my sister talked to her and that's helped a lot.

Bird, do you have a sibling or close family member that your mom respects? 

Edit: I should iterate that I'm from an uber-conservative part of the US.  My mom's family were very active Christians, and she has some deeply rooted beliefs.  I'm just really surprised how well they're taking it.  I'm not sure if you've tried to have a deep conversation with your mom, but you might try if you haven't.

[Tazia of the Omineca]

That bothers me even! I'm sorry she does that.
I don't like being out with my friends and stuff either because they do that to me...
Like this guy said "So she needs a bus ticket, and I like her dress." and my friend said "Yes, he needs a ticket."
That was like a "Oh damn it." moment in my mind...

[0451]

Hi Bird!

I confused you with Rabbit at first, but then I saw the avatar.  Anyways, maybe you could bring up the fact that her constant referring to you loudly as male is more likely the reason for people's dirty looks?  It sounds like she's the one embarrassing her self, not you embarrassing her.

[Tazia of the Omineca]

I'd say something else but my answer to everything is punch it in the face with something, fists, words, fists.

[Laura26]

I'm going through some similar stuff with my parents at the moment.  They've known for a long time now and it's still not as easy as I would like it to be between us, so I'm maybe not the greatest example here!

When they've used the wrong name or pronouns in the past I've let it slide as I try to avoid creating a scene.  Then when we were alone later on I explained how important it is to me and how much it hurts me when they do this.  I've had to do this multiple times and I've always tried to avoid getting angry with them (which is hard) as I want to try and keep things constructive.  They still can't bring themselves to use my new name, but they are always using neutral pronouns now so it is progress.

They've also repeatedly requested to see me in male mode.  This is mostly for when I'm at work, and they also wanted me to see my gran as a boy over the holidays.  This was mainly to delay the fact they won't let me tell her yet (if ever).  With these requests I'm very much the same as HappyGirl - where I can't accept their terms and I've had to be firm with them. 

I find it so hard to say no to my parents at times, and I wish I could do more to help them through it all - but I can't compromise on who I am with them.

[Bird]

I can't shut her off my life, she is important. At a time, she went pyscho when it was clear I was transitioning and now, things are stable. Her accepting my clothes and appearance is something years ahead of where we were before.

I am going to try really hard to be accepted by her, and take all the offenses she throws at me and remain polite and loving. It is the best thing to be done, though also the hardest. My father still doesn't accepts my clothes or appearence, so that will be another mountain on my path.

Though, girls, thanks for helping with my self-steem. I think I am getting to the point where I don't care if I pass or not, but I still care about what close relatives think.

[Annah]

Bird, at least your mother accepts you for being a woman. My parents completely didn't accept me. I had to sneak out of the house when I presented feminine with makeup (yes I'm still young and I still live with my parents.) for if I was found, I would be verbally crucified and called crazy. I ended up doubting ever being accepted and going back to boy mode. I want to go back to girl mode.

Your christian conversion experience was very fast.  Just three weeks ago you said you received Jesus Christ in your heart and you thought you were transgender but you realized you were filling a void that only Jesus could fill.

Then you went on dozens of transgender youtube channels (mine included) and then proceeded to "witness" to the transgender community so that we may be saved and stop this lifestyle.

This is what you stated on January 6, 2012:

I knew it wouldn't work.

I'm with Jesus now, so I'm back to the way God created me.
I pray Christ touches your lives.

"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God. " -Deuteronomy 22:5, Holy Bible, King James Version.

I love you all, you're all souls in need of salvation.

Jesus doesn't want you in Hell. Put your faith and trust in Him, get your heart right with God and have Jesus Christ's Blood wash your soul clean from sins.

Peace unto you and I pray you the best,

Alex.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,113518.msg866101.html#msg866101

Now, all of the sudden you are back? You are either very confused, desperate for a life driven purpose or someone who created an account to "play around" with us.

I haven't quite figured it out yet.