A storm rages inside.

[teamcaptain]

That's how I feel.  I'm 35.  I'm married.  I have a kid on the way.  And I am a cliche.  Note for note.  The total secrecy, the dressing up when alone in the house, the brief hormone experimentation.  This secret is corrosive, eating at my insides.

I'm starting to accept.  I think I am, at least.  But the fear of what this will do to all my family, my friends - it's devistating already.

What do I do?

Writing this is the first moment outside my own thoughts that I've admitted that I'm suffering from GID.  Lately, the anxiety has become overwhelming.  How can you want something and not want something this much?  I'm tearing in two.

Recently, I read SHE'S NOT THERE and I might as well have written it.  It's my life.  Exactly.

I don't know if I have the courage or not to do what I think I'll have to do to live in my skin.  I'm glad you all are here.  Your stories have been inspiring.

Thanks

[Alyx.]

Yup. Sucks. We all know what you're feeling. B)

Welcome, hope you find what what you're looking for.

[A]

What to do? In your current state of mind, I suggest seeing a therapist. Maybe find one who is "trans-friendly" without being specialised. So no one needs to know, and even if they learn it, invent a reason if you don't feel like coming out to them. For example, a death you haven't fully overcome yet, or stress...

Clarifying your thoughts, feelings and intentions with yourself is the first and most important step. Don't even think about family and friends for now; if you're actually not transgendered, they never need to know. If you are, well, think about that later; just tell yourself that it often goes way better than you imagined. A surprising number of people actually keep their marriages and families after their transition. But that's irrelevant for now. Investigate this yourself with a professional therapist before complicating matters with coming-outs.

Good luck.

[JoanneL]

I was in a similar position many years ago when there was no internet and little advice available. I made the choice of the family and finally started hrt  8 years ago when my wife died.
Unfortunately too late for SRS.

[teamcaptain]

Thanks, y'all.

Deep down, I think I've been trying to deny that I'm trans for the past twenty-something years.  Now I'm in this life, a pretty good one too, and everything seems wrong.  Selfish.  That's how I feel right now.

At any rate, whatever my feelings, I intend to get to a therapist ASAP.  I've already researched and found one who specializes in GID. I'll probably meet sometime soon, but if transition is where this road leads, I intend to wait at least a year before unloading this burden onto my wife.  She deserves to enjoy the remaining two months of pregnancy (did I say enjoy?!?) along with my undivided attention while we have a newborn in the house. 

I've suppressed these feelings for over twenty years.  I can go a little longer.

In the meantime, I'll take my finasteride every day and grow my hair out (again).  Oh! And check in here, of course.  You're all I got, ladies!

Love

[pretty]

My advice is to tell your wife before your kid is 10 and then you go "surprise I'm a woman" and your wife goes "are you kidding me?" and gets a divorce because she married a man and she's not gay and then your kid has to play ping pong parents, but never really gets comfortable calling you "mom".