I don't know how to deal with this---boyfriend revealed himself as crossdresser.

[Stephanie123]

I am hoping for some advice in this area.  I read some posts regarding the same topic recently.

My boyfriend of 1 year has revealed himself as a crossdresser.  I was completely blindsided by this.  He revealed himself to me just this past Tuesday.  I had tried calling him Monday night, received no answer and left a message.  He called me on Tuesday night and asked if he could come over.  He comes over and tells me he was out with friends on Monday night, then shows me some pictures of his friends---all crossdressers, and then photos of him dressed as a woman.  I was shocked.  He then tells me his "guys night out" actually consists of going out dressed as a woman to these monthly events.

He told me this is something he has been doing for a long time.  He actually went to therapy for it (2 different therapists).  One told him he needed to go on antidepressants, the other told him he needs to go out dressed more often.  He told me he has tried to purge himself of this practice in the past, but it only resulted in him becoming depressed and overcompensating in perceived male behaviors.  He also told me it has resulted in the end of previous relationships with women. 

I told him I appreciate him telling me, and I can only imagine how difficult it is to reveal something like this.  I told him I need to educate myself and learn more about the topic.  Previous to this conversation we had been talking about the possiblility of sharing our lives together, possibility of having children and what we would want out of life.  He told me it was time for him to tell me, and he felt awful for having lied to me for so long.  He says if we are going to grow as a couple, I would need to accept this need that he has to go out as a woman.  He has dressed up and gone to local stores to see if he could "pass".  He told me he could pass, and he seems to be very proud of this.

Siiggghh.  I have so many questions, and so many emotions swirling around in me.  Anger, fear , disappointment.  I'm angry because he lied to me for a year.  I'm angry because he knows that I would like to find a compatible life partner.  I'm angry because now I am emotionally invested, whereas, truthfully, if I would have know this from the start---we could have been platonic friends, instead of me viewing him as a potential life partner----meaning this would have been a dealbreaker.

What is also frustrating is that he reveals himself to me, then says I am welcome to attend any of the events, in fact there is one this Saturday night.  I just found this out on Tuesday----I need time to process this!  I told him I understand he probably feels liberated about revealing this secret----but please keep in mind that this is all new to me--and try to be considerate. He also insists he is not homosexual, bisexual.  I was honest with him and told him I would not be able to deal with this if he did in fact turn out to be bi/homosexual.  How does he even know himself at this point??

I apologize for rambling.  I just need some feedback.  I did tell him I would support him no matter what, I do love him----however I am not sure I can still be his girlfriend. The real shame is we get along so well and really do enjoy each others company.  I would always look forward to seeing him.  He came over the other night and I just kept picturing him in woman's clothing.  Sadly, I did not feel an attraction to him. I need time.  I need advice.  I'm so upset.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[togetherwecan]

Hi sweetie...I understand what you are going through.
I met and fell in love with a "man" only to find out later that my "man" is a transsexual or what is known here as a Male 2 Female. She is going to transition. She is not just a cross dresser. She truly is a woman inside and will persue that realm.
It is something one never expects to be faced with but we do need to remember it is not something they asked for either.
The deception part is hard. In my heart I dont believe they decieve because they want to. I think it is fear and maybe even embarrassment at what reaction they may receive.
Love is love. If you love him truly in your heart then those feelings shuldn't change because he is a cross dresser however he does need to allow you time to evolve, educate, digest and then understand. He also needs to realize that for a year he took away your abaility as an adult to choose your own destiny and although his intentions were prolly not meant harmfully he still took that from you. It is sel;fish for him to expect you to just go with the flow because this is all new to you, but if you want to work through this you must do so individually and together. Understand that his feelings for you must be genuine and deep to finally share the information and yes he prolly seems elated and at times teenagerish because of the relief to get it off his chest.
We have a significant others chatroom here as well. Feel free to Private mssg me anytime here and if you shpould ever want to talk on the phone I am open to that if it will help you.
*hugs*

[cindianna_jones]

Stephanie,

I admire your frankness and the fact that you are looking into this for understanding. There are many cross dressers who are married, love their wives and family, and lead productive happy lives. Whether you can come to terms with this or not is strictly your decision. Don't let anyone make it for you.  But please know that it can work out.

Talk frankly with your boyfriend. You do need to worry about transsexualism popping its head up sometime down the road. Ask him about this. Ask him if he ever sees a day when he'll wish to transition. That is a much more difficult thing for an SO to deal with.  Many can but many can't.

Don't worry about him perceiving you to be closed minded about this. If you can't deal with it, you can't.  After all, you deserve to marry a man of your choosing. You are looking into it to gain a better understanding. This is all anyone can expect of you.

Continue to participate in the forum here if you wish. You may find something about yourself or your boyfriend here.

All the best,

Cindi

[Stephanie123]

I want to sincerely thank you for your advice/input.  My boyfriend came over last night.  We are keeping the lines of communication open, and I am trying to learn more.  He appears to be understanding and does realize this may be something I ultimately may not be able to live with---we did both say if this turns out to be the case---we would support each other and still be in each others lives as friends.  I am thankful that we are able to have a mature conversation about this topic.  We are going to explore the option of therapy together.  Although, I really do not know how to find a good therapist regarding this issue----does anyone have any tips on finding one?

I did ask him if he sees himself transitioning in the future.  He says that he does not, that he is happy with the body he has and can't see this as a possibility.  He says he enjoys his life as a man, but has this need to express his feminine side.

I am a bit concerned about how he is choosing to "come out".  It is his choice----however he told me that he had planned on inviting one of his male friends out one evening to one of the cross dressing events, and reveal himself as sort of a surprise----he apparently thinks this would be a blast and his friend would probably find this amusing.  I don't want him to get hurt if his friend doesn't take too kindly to the surprise.  I told him my concern, and he really doesn't think it is an issue.

I have confided in a friend of mine---and she assures me she will keep this confidential.  He knows I confided in her, and he told me he is glad that I did----he knew I would need someone to talk to about this.  He had also told me that he was hoping that she and I would have shown up at the event this past Saturday, and that he thought she would have a great time.  She was not of the same opinion, and neither was I.  She told me sure she would have a blast, but it is different when you know it is your boyfriend dressing up.

I am so happy that I found this forum.  It is a relief to me to have a place to voice my concerns and try and learn from the experience of others.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.  I will continue to check the boards---and if anyone feels they can offer additional advice/information, please reply----this is all so new to me.

[cindianna_jones]

Steph,

If you do decide to go to an event with him, make sure you are comfortable with him in is dressed up mode before you go. It might be too much a shock to take it all in at once.

Cindi

[Gill]

Hi Stephanie:

I am glad you have found us.

My name is Gill and I have been with Steph for 33 years.  Steph recently transitioned fully, SRS completed in December.

Be advised that some of this may offend some members.

This is not going to be an easy road for you to travel.  You're new into this relationship and now is the time for you to take off the rosy glasses and see this for what it is.  It is time to ask the really hard questions, such as; where do I see myself in 5, 10 years etc., am I going to keep this a secret from friends and family, what will keeping that secret mean to me both emotionally and mentally.  Is he telling the truth about being happy being a man, or deep down he really want to transition.  Is he too afraid to tell you that he wants to transition.  You see what I am saying here. 

For me, and I will be honest with you, if I knew then what I know now, boy I would have run the other way.  Yes that may offend some members, but the truth is, this will take a toll on you, your family and children if you decide to have them.

Now I hope I haven't scared you off, but it needed to be said, and it needed to be said by someone who has lived this life. 

Take things slow, but go into this with your eyes wide open.

Gill

[Kate]

Is he telling the truth about being happy being a man, or deep down he really want to transition.  Is he too afraid to tell you that he wants to transition.

And therein lies the danger.

Stephanie, by definition, crossdressers do NOT want to transition. Some dress up for erotic reasons, some to explore a feminine side... the reasons vary, but most are content to keep it at that.

BUT.

If you choose to continue, know that it's a gamble. His (I'm assuming he identifies as a male) feelings may change over time, or he may be afraid to admit to himself AND you what he really wants. There's quite a bit of controversy as to whether a CDr can "evolve" into a transsexual, but however you want to explain it, quite a few people who have transitioned originally thought they were crossdressers.

The fact that he likes to go out and pass is a bit of a warning sign, though by no means proof. But it starts to sound like he wants social recognition of his female persona, which is a clue as to where this might be going. If he only dressed at home in sexy lingerie, that'd be one thing. But instead, he's trying to create a passable female presentation... that'd worry me.

Again, I don't know. HE may not know.

But keep your eyes open to the possibilities.

Kate

[Peggiann]

Hi, Stephanie123 and welcome to the group of unusual Signifigant others.

Your post causes me to feel that ever familiar huge lump in my throat as I have felt in my own relationship with Leah and as I relate to other Signifigant Others here at Susan's. My heart goes out to you.

First I must say all your feelings are really completely  understandable. Any relationship errupts when there is not complete honesty practiced between those in the relationship. This goes onestep deeper, that is the step of personal honesty...being honest to yourself. Below is from your post:

Siiggghh.  I have so many questions, and so many emotions swirling around in me.  Anger, fear , disappointment.  I'm angry because he lied to me for a year.  I'm angry because he knows that I would like to find a compatible life partner.  I'm angry because now I am emotionally invested, whereas, truthfully, if I would have know this from the start---we could have been platonic friends, instead of me viewing him as a potential life partner----meaning this would have been a dealbreaker.

You are being honest in what you write through out your post. The last part of what you wrote is what Caught my attention. "if I would have know this from the start---we could have been platonic friends, instead of me viewing him as a potential life partner----meaning this would have been a dealbreaker" I sometimes wonder if that isn't what the TG person in relationships is counting on...time will make this hearder and cause one to feel the investment and not be able to let go so easily. Sorry is that is offensive to anyone it's just a wonder not accusing any one.

There is something to be said about "to thyne ownself be true. Now it's your turn to be true to you. Listen to your heart. If you are uncomfortable looking at your boyfriend dressed in female mode and should you go to an event and your are squirmy there also then I would say you should listen to the sqirming of your insides. That is your comfort zone trying to help you know what to do.

This is your choice. only you can make it. Only you can choose how fast or how slow to go with these issues. While you are chosing I caution you "to thyne ownself be true. Make sure you consider what all you had thought about for your life to be. What all dreams you ever dreamed. Don't settled for lossing any part of these dreams or thoughts. Just check if you are strong enough to have them with different colored glasses than your original dreams and thoughts.

The answers are always within us. Search your inner feelings and when ever your butterflies no longer fly in formation with any more then that topic or issue is very important to look at more closely and if the butterfies still fly out of pattern then it isn't meant to be forced.

I hope this will help guild you in to understanding your bodily reactions to issues you face.

Smiles, and good luck my friend.
Peggiann

[Stephanie123]

Thank you to everyone for your advice/input.  I have been in "hibernation" mode this past week.  Mulling things over, having conversations with my boyfriend, spending a little time with him.  Honestly, my head hurts from constantly thinking about all of this.  My insides are all twisted up and I have a feeling of dread.  I think my boyfriend has to follow his own path for a while, and I have to concentrate on myself and re-evaluate my life's goals, etc.  He did come over the other night again and we just spent the time watching tv on the couch.  I am finding it difficult to relate to him as I did before----I think the main reason is I am still trying to come to terms with the deception. HE WAS SO GOOD AT IT!  Makes me wonder what else he may be hiding.  I told him one of the things I liked about him was his honesty. I thought he was one of the most open and honest people I have known.  Now I feel like a fool and feel as if I can't trust my own judgement/intuition.  I know he wasn't out to hurt me and all of this stems from a need to protect himself and I'm sure he was concerned about my reaction----but it still doesn't change the fact that he continued to lie to me for over a year.

I think another aspect that bothers me about this is what I perceive to be selfishness on his part.  He says if we are to grow as a couple, this is something I would need to accept.  He would need to go to his events every Monday night and one Saturday a month.  He just went to another event last Monday (this just after his St. Patrick's Day event on Saturday).  He was cohosting this event and asked if I wanted him to stop by my house so I could see him dressed up.  I became a bit agitated and told him no, and to stop pushing it.  At this point I don't see this as understanding on his part----I see it as selfishness.

He called me the other night, and I finally told him I don't think I can do this.  It is not fair to him, nor me.
I could hardly speak on the phone---I got the words out while I was crying (as I am right now
After that I just couldn't say anything---neither could he really----that was it.

Maybe it would be different if this was something he kept private and in the home. I keep thinking to myself: "If only I was more open minded--things would be different".  But I have to face the truth, I am a traditional, conservative person, and I know I would be living in a constant state of stress if I were to pursue this relationship any further.

I also feel badly because I had a great relationship with his family---we all really liked each other and they have been very nice to me.  I don't know what he is going to tell them---and the reality is when things like this happen (breakup), it is almost impossible to keep your ex's family in your life.  Maybe they will dislike me because they will think I am closeminded-----I don't know.  But I feel I may lose some really great people from my life.

Thank you for listening to me again.  I will continue to check the website and try to learn more.  I appreciate you all taking the time to correspond with me.  I can't thank you enough:)   Your input means so much to me.

[trip]

Its my opinion that his wanting you to accept him for whohe is, isn't selfishness, but something that everyone wants and deserve in a relationship.

Its all my opinion that your continued posting on here indicates you are willing to consider giving this a try, even if it was quite a shock for you.


You say don't think you can see him this way in person - how about a picture. I once had a friend who dresses like a female, (but doesn't pretend to be one) show me an outfit of a long skirt, and a lacy top and say that he would like to try it on for me. I was a bit terrified at that - I thought he would look ridiculous, moreso because it was the type of female attire I most dread wearing.


He put it on. I started looking from the bottom up, giving me time to digest his appearance, and hopefully hide my initial reaction to the outfit. But as my eyes moved upward, I only saw one thing. Something I had never seen before - pure beauty. I've never seen anyone else look so right in their clothes. It was perfect.

[Kendall]

It must be a shock and to know he wasnt honest with you. Sounds like there is a lot of fear and apprehension in your life atm. And having a great relationship with his family must really hurt too.

Maybe just see what he looks like, and give your honest opinion, whether good or bad. Or cross dress in guy mode just to give him a taste of his own medicine.

[Melissa]

Maybe it would be different if this was something he kept private and in the home. I keep thinking to myself: "If only I was more open minded--things would be different".  But I have to face the truth, I am a traditional, conservative person, and I know I would be living in a constant state of stress if I were to pursue this relationship any further.

Hey hon, don't stress it.  I'm in the process of transitioning from male to female (completely female mentally and 95% physically) and despite the fact that I'm about the most open-minded person you'll ever run into and I uderstand these gender issues well enough and accept that there are people that have then, were I to have a boyfriend that I found out was a crossdresser, I don't think I could handle it either.  The way I look at it is, if it's not something you feel you can deal with, then you shouldn't feel forced to.  It's an aspect of the person and with virtually any person, you will find good aspects and bad aspects and you need to weigh them to see if the relationship is worth keeping or not.  If this was a dealbreaker, then it's not your, nor his fault.  It's just the way things are and I would feel lucky that at least he revealed this part of him to you before you 2 did anything legally binding, which is not always the case unfortunately.

Melissa

[Omika]

Alright Steph, listen to me.

If the shoe doesn't fit, then why the Hell would you try to wear it?  He's not a bad person, nor are you.  You can't control who you're attracted to, because you're a human being.  I can't control who I'm attracted to either.  If you find yourself unattracted to this man now that he's revealed this side of himself, then that's just the way the hand got played.  There is absoloutely nothing anyone can do about it, and trying to force yourself to like it when you really don't is a painful exercise in futility.

You're attracted to who you're attracted to, period.  By all means, show a little patience and see where this goes, but my personal reccommendation is breaking it off and pursuing other avenues of interest.  He obviously has plenty of aspects in his life he'd like to explore, and until he can truly figure himself out, it's not fair to you at all.  His personal development in life is a game of emotional Russian roulette for you so long as you're in a relationship.  If he does happen to turn out to be TS, then that's it, you just lost.

There are plenty of honest men out there completely secure in their masculinity with no desire to wear women's clothing or transition.  There are plenty of women out there who would be more than happy to date a crossdresser.

The problem does not lie in him.  The problem lies in a society that discourages self-expression and personal honesty, so don't get angry with him for not telling you earlier.

Hang in there.  You deserve the best, remember that.

~ Blair

[Stephanie123]

Thanks for being frank with me!! I think this is the first time I smiled since signing on to this message board.   You're right---if the shoe doesn't fit-why the Hell wear it:)

[Omika]

Thanks for being frank with me!! I think this is the first time I smiled since signing on to this message board.   You're right---if the shoe doesn't fit-why the Hell wear it:)

Remember, you forcing yourself to accept this for his sake when you're uncomfortable is about the same as a transsexual woman forcing herself to be a man for her friends and family.  Either path leads to breakdown, at some point.

Just do both of yourselves a favor and go platonic.  I think he'll understand.

~ Blair

[Peggiann]

Steph,
I couldn't agree more with Blairs remarks. I think you should say thank you to your boyfriend for sharing this with you this early on in the relationship. It's was the unselfish act on his part. Many as you may read have a really hard time taking that step. That took a lot of courage on your boyfreinds part. You have a lot of courage to see the shoe pinches and is unconfortable to wear.
Wrap your arms around yourself and give yoou a great big hug... and shout aloud for the world to hear..."I LOVE ME" and never be afraid to love yourself enough to be honest and not trick yourself into persuing something that really pinches unbearably.

Smiles,
Peggiann