Hi deatsabat,
Welcome to Susan's. You are among friends and you are safe to express your feelings with us. What you have been through and experienced is not unusual.
There is a lot of information here that can help you in these early days. The more information you have the better informed and educated decision you can make about absolute life changing opportunities.
A Moderator should be round soon to give you the 'good oil' of how we live here. Now it's over to you. Read on and learn, ask whatever is on your mind.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine