Living out as non-binary

[Lee]

For those of you who live openly as non-binary, how do you manage it?  It seems like everything is so either/or in everyday life that it would be nearly impossible.  I'm wondering how you approach pronouns/personal gender presentation/legal documents/dating/etc.

[Metroland]

I am non-binary but I am not out.  There is a really good article about "Red" who is non-binary and out http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2011/07/17/18685039.php. 

Maybe you will find this helpful.

[Pica Pica]

When I saw the phrase 'living out' I didn't see it in the queer way, but more in the sense of 'out' verses 'in'.

It would indeed be impossible to live 'out' as non binary - there are no decent sounding pronouns that don't hurt the ear or eye, it is rare to find the option on any paper and I don't think anyone could ever agree on what a non-binary person is supposed to look like.

But as for living 'in', that seems to be the main point. That the non-binary person has to work out how to live as such, and in society without such props as forms, special words and visual cues.

As for living out in the of the closet sense, that's easy enough, you sort the in out enough and people will be telling you. It'd be a sad life if identity were based solely in one area (like gender) and solely from the outside.

[Kinkly]

I present full time as a bearded lady I think most people see me as a Man in a dress.  I don't correct people on pronoun use but if I'm asked I say I prefer Ze.  I'm planning on getting an X in the gender part of my passport and an F on my 18+ ID.  (no option for an X on 18+ card)  when It comes to relationships I'm in no mans land  I'm attracted to gender diverse people and females

[chan2011]

To be honest with you, I have no clue. I'm not really living in any sort of way I'd like and I'm not sure how. I'm genderfluid, and I have extensive discomfort with my body (I'm willing to go through some kind of hrt to see any kind of changes), and the pronouns he, she make me uncomfortable. But I know the likelyhood of people calling me ze/zir in my current location is low and I do not plan on coming on at my job (considering there is no protection based on gender identity for the most part in my state otherwise I would not care)...if anyone has had any success let me know, because I am having one hell of a time.


I think for a lot of us we get told that we just need to "know" who we are inside and frankly this isn't good enough for me. Plenty of MTF and FTM can tell you how miserable being misgendered makes them feel, why would it be any different for me. Walking around being shoved in a box everyday makes me feel like I'm dying inside. Things need to change.

[foosnark]

As I see it:  a person who's "out" about being gay isn't necessarily going to wear a "hey everybody I'm gay!" t-shirt all the time.  (Maybe on occasion.)  They are going to be honest if asked, and will tell some proportion of family, friends, coworkers and/or the general public.

Someone who's transitioning genders is very likely to come out at some point... at which time, they pretty much are advertising their "new" gender.

What's it mean for an androgyne to be out though, when society generally recognizes exactly two genders?

I've told family and some of my friends, I've posted it on Facebook though I think it went mostly unnoticed.  I sometimes wear womens' shirts but always the button-down business-y style so it's pretty subtle.  I'm not likely to go far beyond that in my presentation.  Anyone who sees me out of the blue is going to think "male."  Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis think "male."  Some of the others think "male, but kind of also female-ish under the surface."  If someone calls me "sir" I not only don't correct them, but I'm not bothered.  I continue to use the masculine name my parents gave me.  Does this mean I am out, or not?

[Bishounen]

For those of you who live openly as non-binary, how do you manage it?  It seems like everything is so either/or in everyday life that it would be nearly impossible.  I'm wondering how you approach pronouns/personal gender presentation/legal documents/dating/etc.

There is really nothing to "manage" unless you make a big thing of it.
Gender Pronouns: I let people believe me to be anything they believe me to be and also refer to me as such, as long as they do so with respect.

Gender presentation, ID and other types of Identification matters: Same thing there, and just because it says one thing on the ID, it doesn't change who you are in anyway.
It is not like it is illegal to walk around in a summerblouse and camo-pants just because the ID shows a specific Sex, or anything.

Nothing impossible at all about it, unless you bother very much about what people will think. If you don't, then nor is there any problem.

[Shantel]

This is an interesting subject that mental health professionals would no doubt have a hard time with. Once my sweet spouse got her head wrapped around my physiology and behavior and decided that she loves me in spite of it all, then we attended a counseling session to firm up our commitment to each other with a man who is supposedly a world class shrink. He had a very charming young female intern with him. When he found out that I had no testes and had been on female HRT for several years, and that we have a wonderful sex life in spite of it, his mind suddenly seized up. His mindset concerning human sexuality was shunted by the fact that I had no balls and he couldn't get past the thought that male penetration might not be an option. The intern on the other hand got it!

Unfortunately we deal with this on a daily basis simply because both genders are firmly and securely bolted in their own security box and are unable to think or reason beyond those boundaries. The point here is that it's decidedly their problem and for us to agonize over their shortcomings is simply a drain on our emotions and quality of our lives. I/we refuse to accept their baggage and ignore unsolicited stares or comments. I've been known to say WTF are you looking at? In a loud voice, and invariably they become embarrassed and scurry away.