Hey everyone
It has been months since I have posted on here. And last time I did post or one of the last, I had come to the conclusion that I "wasn't" FTM. Here's my problem. I was getting obsessive about it. I couldn't think about anything other than getting put on T and starting the transition. It was like my ability to function in any way was diminishing. I was feeling depressed and it was starting to affect me in terms of school. Apart from that, I was looking at all the negative things, like my inability to change gender marker on birth certificate (because it's from Puerto Rico) and being unable to even marry my fiancee here in Florida because it wouldn't be valid. Along with other things like having my family have to change pronouns, putting my fiancee through this change, and even applying to a job and having to list my birth name after I had changed it to a male name. It's like all of these things pilled up on me at once and I just didn't know how to handle it.
In my mind, I cannot help it. I just see myself as a male physically. I want that. Something that has confused me all along is that switching pronouns is hard for me. All I really see is the physical. When I decided I was "happy" with who I was, I don't know how but I was able to sort of let go of everything and just be happy. It worked for a while but obviously now I am having issues. How did I manage to lie to myself? I don't get it. My mom is being supportive and what not but she says I lied to her. I really wish she wouldn't see it this way. I wasn't trying to lie to anyone. I tried being happy. I wasn't trying to deceive anyone.
REGARDLESS, let's move back to now and why I am back on here. Lately I have felt myself being dragged into a depression. Like I'll be super happy. But the male visions in my head just don't go away. So I talked to my fiancee and she is fine with it. She says she loves me no matter what and that I'm not going to lose her. Here's my problem. I love her more than anything else on this earth. But all I want is her happiness and I'm scared that going through this transition will strip her from this. Before, she identified as a lesbian. She says it doesn't matter and to forget about labels. She just loves me. I keep telling her she shouldn't be with me because I won't make her happy. Last night I made her upset because of these comments. We ended up fine after a while but I am going to push her away unintentionally. The thing is she was looking for a book to read and we were both searching online. Just for fun. She was looking in the lesbian section. I mean, on one hand she shouldn't have to change her reading habits. But on the other hand, I feel like I am forcing something on her with this transition that won't ever make her happy. And apart from that, we were messing around and she was like "Let's see what pops up if I type in sex" and of course a book on sex positions popped up. I thought it was pretty funny honestly because most of those things normal people couldn't do just cause it's ridiculous. But after we got done looking at it, she said that does not turn me on in any way. She didn't say it in a mean way. She was just stating a fact. It was straight stuff though. On one hand I can understand her because she says she just doesn't get turned on by stuff like that. But at the same time, it just nags at me because how can she be with someone she isn't attracted to or whatever. She has said that no matter what, she will be attracted to me and that won't change but part of me just doesn' want to believe that because of all these things and I think it's also a way of protecting myself incase anything were to happen.
I think I should make a couple of things clear though. She has been the most supportive person in the world. She says she loves me no matter what. She has switched pronouns since I told her. She says things like "Just cause you're the man in this relationship doesn't mean you can talk to me like that!" (I was messing around with her and she responded with that. She wasn't mad though!!! That's how we joke around lol I don't want anyone thinking I am abusive) She is an amazing person. That's probably why I am so scared of losing her.
I know this is REALLY long and what not but thanks to anyone who finds the time to help and talk to me.
