please help if you know what to do!

[soulsteal]

i don't know what to do! I think that i lost my mother or just never had her like i thought! Now that i look back on my life i realize that my mom has not really done anything that really showed her love to me, all she really has done is pay for things. I thought she was doing this out of love. i thought she was the only one i had but when i came to her and told her how i was she treats me, a girl trapped in a boys body that cry's herself to sleep at nite because of how she fills about herself, like everything fine. My mother complain that we don't have enough money to see a counselor however she will buy a new couch when we don't need one. to top this all off the boy that i thought cared about me really does not and i don't know who to turn to i cant seem to find a way out and I am just starting to regret telling anyone, then again if i where to not have i would have never known any of this. I am only 19 why do i have to go through this alone at 19! what have i don't to deserve this! i only want to be me and the best  me i can be. if anyone knows anything to help me stop crying and being depressed please say it before i go crazy!!!

also i am not writing this so you fill sorry for me if you think that than just leave the page there is no need for you to fill sorry im just a confused 19yo girl who needs help!

[heatherrose]

The only thing that I can think of to tell you is, "You are not alone."
It is comforting for me to know that I am not the only
person on the planet who has and is going through this.
I am not crazy though at times it definitely seemed to drive me towards it.
There is no simple fix, only time and perseverance will help ease your distress.

[soulsteal]

Thank you, but the only problem, when I think about anyone else going through the same thing it hurts me to even think that they could! I know how it fills you with pain to loose someone so close and to be feel alone the comfort i fill by knowing there are more out there is backed with horrible sadness for them! this i cannot dwell on because it hurts to much and for that reason i don't know where to turn.

[soulsteal]

Thank you know i really need to just find someone who wants to be a REAL friend in real life because if anyone made me fill the way you've tried to i would appreciate them more than anything else in the world. thank you for trying.

[spacial]

Hi ya.

You are at the start of a very difficult journey. You'll have all sorts of problems and distractions. The only way to deal with every last one of them is to keep your eye on your goal and never lose faith.

In the mean time, I give you a big hug. Because I want to. Because I think you need it. Because I know you can do this.

[soulsteal]

thank you *hugs you back*
It's just a little hard to keep my eye on the goal because of the depression that seeps in. When this happens I cannot help but to loose track of rational thought and only feel pain.

[King Malachite]

I can somewhat relate.  I'm 19 too my father was only good for financial support.  He rarely gave me emotional support and doesn't even support me wanting to transition.  I don't have any money to see a therapist right now and the my ex girlfriend who I really loved broke up with me and come to find out she never truly thought of me as male and she was just using me until she could get back with her current girlfriend.  I don't have a soul outside of the internet to help talk about my problems and it makes me feel so alone in this world and I think I must have don't something just horrible in my past life to deserve this.


The only thing I can say is begin with the end in mind and focus on yourself.  Know where you want to go in life and make plans to start the trek even if it's small little things.  People will come in and out of your life but we must keep on going and that someone else was probably in our shoes before.  Looking past the depression and into the future is what helps me cope some. 

[soulsteal]

I am very sorry that your ex girlfriend broke up with you. Some girls can be hart less the thing i would think of there is there are a lot of girls like me out there who only would care about your happiness and would never use someone. I do not understand why it is so hard for some people to grasp that people feel things just like you would, and understand how it would feel in there position. I do not know maybe I'm a weird case but I cant help but to put myself in other peoples shoes.

Also, i really hope you get the chance to talk to someone I am truly hoping  for you. if you need to ask or talk to anyone about what to do, ( not that what i say will be right, but...) i would be glad to help you in any way i can.

[King Malachite]

I appreciate that Jordin.  Cindi has it right about the education/skills.  In the meantime you could try to save up a little bit here and there.  It won't seem like much at first but it will go a long way eventually.  At least you could say you are working on your transition as we speak.