This is the first of what I hope is many interactions that I hope will help me with what I'm going through and maybe to help others considering how to proceed with their own current or future transitions. I need info for current 2012 resources in Central Florida (Orlando) to get me going again and get this process finally completed. I do need a new support net but I'm still very anxious/pensive/paranoid about going to in-person group stuff because of all I've been through below. I could use advice about College and would like help to find a job. Also want closure on the possibility having something to do with IS.
I'm almost 29, and have been stuck on the slow boat to Providence for the last 10 years. I have a looong story to tell, maybe enough to write a book with, having experienced every aspect and emotion of what we must deal with. That experience includes getting jumped repeatedly in middle school and ending up in the hospital because of it even before I knew what was wrong with me. Publicity and death are the only two aspects I have not and most certainly don't want to experience. closest I came to publicity was when my Senior Class was protested against (YUP, those people ) when we did The Laramie Project, a sellout standing-room-only performance every night, and again at Graduation. Thank God I wasn't totally out... ALTHOUGH its only now that I recently learned that the school suspected I had some kind of problem and was concerned for my safety as early as mid-sophomore year.
I received the first letter after almost a year's evaluation in 2001 after my mother's involvement made for a longer evaluation. She didn't want to accept what was happening when I embraced my true self. She even left me at the therapist's office when I gave her my coming out letter despite seeing that the friends I had in High School had all accepted me. If I wasn't already 18... I found an endocrinologist at the medical building adjacent to where I worked, but he ended up using me for my money rather than providing me with real care. Even then he did confirm that I had gynecomastia, was short on development, sent me for ct scans (without contrast which are worthless), and a month long panel of blood works including a genetics test. Shortly thereafter, his demeanor went from "this should be easy money" to being one of "uh, you need to go to a REAL specialist." I never received the results of the Genetics test so I can only contemplate what that might mean... Even with the Doctors in agreement, mother denied it until I decided that she wasn't going to change and moved to another then-friend in Maine who was also starting her transition. Our relationship wore out after just a few months, but during those months I was able to get my name changed and get a job with it. From there I moved to southeast Texas, fell in love with another friend and had an apartment and a car with her and it even allowed me the opportunity to get rid of the error on the license. We only did Pride once, then figured it wasn't for either of us. Driving into Houston every couple weeks was where I made the most progress. I kicked the DIY method for a legit script, even had a gynecologist, but I never got to finish my second psych evaluation after my therapist moved. Missed out on that... BIG mistake. For the first year I had several short jobs, and then for almost four years I snagged a job doing office stuff for a supply chain.
Since 2008, I've been through a lot. My partner and I moved to a rented house on the other side of town with her mother and husband. I had finally received a promotion to a full time full benefits position making 30K, but the environmental conditions in the field were just as deplorable as the mentalities of the office clerks I was trying to get away from. They claimed they were "open-minded," but I'm relieved that I trusted my gut instinct instead of opening up to them. They seemed to have a sense of entitlement, and there wasn't an hour I worked without hearing someone say "<something> Jesus." I was able to drive to various campuses to do my job, but they still found ways to task me with "side projects" that kept me in their exposure. It wasn't long before everything went downhill from there. The pressure just kept building on my financial, social, and mental health. The money I had already saved for GCS and the income from the raise ended up going to the house since my partner's parents now had back problems. They grew habits for smoking, drinking, and drugs (both prescribed and herbal), and my partner started bouncing between minimum wage jobs for a few months. The house went into foreclosure in July, and the parents then decided that "we weren't going to pay the rent until the owners did their part." I was being consumed by the fears that the clerks were plotting against me not just because I showed more intelligence than them, or did loads more work than them, but also because I did not trust them with details of my personal life. The last thing I was going to do was blab about my past and current life, especially with all the whispering and sexist jokes they would come up with daily. I confirmed my fears after overhearing their overt negativity towards the FTM pregnancy that was on Oprah. The stress all added up to be unbearable anymore, leaving me to an emotional breakdown where I could no longer work at that place. I was put on medical leave and sent to one of their shrink which I found out I couldn't trust either since there was no such thing as Doctor-patient confidentiality when someone else is paying the bills. Even filed a complaint with the EEOC.
So after the Hello I was going through, I couldn't stay where I was anymore. Her parents decided I didn't belong in their family without an income. I had just lost my job, my partner, and the people I thought had adopted me. I wouldn't doubt having PTSD. I was past the point of being neurotic- I was downright suicidal. Luckily though, by the time I had lost my job, my mother found out the situation I was in and decided that I would be moving back with her in Florida. Everything was a mess. I never thought that day would come, but it did, and dividing up my stuff from my ex was the hardest and longest part. Mother had finally come round to accepting the new me, realizing that she would rather have her child back regardless than to not have one at all. I was now once again back in the home I grew up in, with my original family. The plan was for me to recover, get my life back in order, go to College, find a job and finally get the closure I need on this long drawn out process that my transition has become. I was receiving unemployment- albeit at half what I was making. And then my Grandfather died last year. Over the summer we went to a family reunion up north where I came out to the rest of my extended family. We only had negative reactions (avoidance/silence) from an aunt and uncle, but their kids/my cousins seemed not to care too much about it. There were some other questionable reactions from other relatives before we went but I think that was cleared up when they realized I wasn't some outlandish stereotype and instead just a normal (albeit anxious/neurotic) woman.
I've kept busy with doing photography and freelancing some articles for magazines that have taken me on C-130s and even seeing the Shuttles up close. But Now my unemployment has run out and the stress is adding back up. My mother is back to yelling all the time, not about me but about bills. She has her own problems she needs to address... I can't keep putting off the rest of my life. I have a good idea of who I want to go to for the op, but I don't have a workable plan to make it happen and it certainly won't if I can't find a job. I want to get my old Hospital Support Tech job back but have yet to get past the HR screening process. That or work at the Airport or do Inventory... Anyways, I've rambled on for long enough... That pretty much sums up my life while stealth in a big giant coconut shell! <Waiter, check please!>
~Mel~
PS: If I ever make obscure jokes like the last line, its a coping mechanism I've apparently developed.
updated 02-11-2012 11:41pm to reflect location
