Having a hard day, just have to vent.....

[jae_m]

Today has been one of those days. You know, when the harmless comments like "you should shave your legs" or being called a she, harms you more than anyone really understands.  Sometimes I want  to give up, give in, call it quits. Not talking about suicide even though it is a trickling thought, but give up gender even though I know the impossibilities. My gf who I love more than anything and has been my greatest supporter today, said simply "no ma'am" to me and it brought me here to this familiar devastating feeling that I feel so frequently yet battle everyday. She didn't mean to say it, and how can I blame her, it is hard for her too. But dammit, this sucks. Why do I have to look at every bio man on the planet and be so jealous? I can grow my hair on my face, on my legs, under my arms, but that doesn't shield me from insecurity. It doesn't take away that I fear my woman will some day want more that what I can give her. Some times,  I feel like I am jipping her of the real thing even though inside, I am so real. I fear that she will want a strong chest to nuzzle into or to reach down my pants and make me hard.  I can't give her a child like she wants. I can't have sex in the shower on demand. I stare at every man I come across and think that they don't even know how lucky they are. Something so simple, yet they have no clue.  Do I compare? Do I even add up? Sometimes I feel like I am playing pretend and my gf is playing to. She says she is completely happy, but yet is she? Will she be forever? I am not now, will I ever be?  Am I sometimes silly in her mind, like I am playing dress up? Would she get more turned on if I was a bio man? Would she treat me any differently?

Just had to get it out today.........

[nickm1492]

Ah...the whole "playing pretend" feeling that I believe plagues us all. Being pre-T especially. I know how you feel. I have been having these off days lately. But I had a dream the other night that sort of made things a bit clearer for me. It was random and might seem silly but here goes. It was a family member of mine and they came out as trans. Now, this family member is a bio-male. In the dream I was so happy, but I kept refering to him, as HIM. Even though I am trans and continuously complain that I get misgendered by my supportive family. It's hard for anyone to switch something that for the longest time has been one thing. So that sort of made me understand. I see how my mom especially is trying. I can joke around with my grandma about my therapist and stuff and she does want me to get help. But it is gradual. It isn't something that can be changed instantly. My fiancee has been like your girlfriend. She is my biggest support. Switching pronouns and being sweet. Lucky for me, we were in a lesbian relationship beforehand and were  planning on using artificial ways of getting pregnant. Not being able to get her pregnant doesn't make you any less of a man. There are so many straight, non-trans infertile couples out there. That doesn't make them any less of anything. It was just the cards they have been dealt.

As for the sex issues...Yeah they suck big time. I was watching a video the other day of a guy messing around in a Youtube thing and he jumped on the bed with nothing but briefs. And he had a bulge. The one thing that no amount of money will ever get me no matter what. Not naturally anyway. It's just one of those things that all of us have to come to term with. It sucks. But we can't change it. No more than we can change our race or our height. 

I know that sucks so bad but denying it will only hurt us more. And feel free to complain all you want. That's why we vent on here. So we don't go crazy!!!! We all have those kinds of days We aren't pretending. This is who we are.