Strictly dressing male

[Dominick_81]

Do you ever get ms-gendered when your strictly wearing mens clothing?

I just had a job interview today and I wasn't interviewing with this particular guy, but he called me she and I was dressed strictly in mens clothing with a tie on. He wasn't talking to me directly, he was talking to this person he was taking care of, but he was referring to me. I'm getting pretty angry and hating myself more and more for being born in the wrong body and having to go through this sh*t over and over again of just feeling so embarrassed and wanting to die every time someone ms-genders me.

I would have corrected him, but he was going out the door so I didn't get a chance too and I was very uncomfortable being where I was. So I'm just wondering if you still get ms-gendered when strictly wearing mens clothing... nothing unisex.

[nickm1492]

I am so sorry this keeps happening to you. Please, don't ever feel like taking your life is a good option. It never is. Doing that is stripping yourself away of so many good possibilities in the future. Many we would never have expected to come our way.

At the end of the day, unfortunately, clothes don't do everything. I have seen your pictures. I DO NOT see a woman's face. And I have heard your voice from a link you gave. At least I think it was yours. There was NOTHING feminine about it.

So I am not sure if your chest is showing because you aren't binding or maybe you had surgery. I'm not sure. But maybe this is contributing. Or your body shape in general. I really don't see why you got "she". Did you write down your birth name?

Regardless, I know it sucks, feeling like this. Like crap. But things get better. You have to stay strong. And there is a family here to support you when you need it

[caseyyy]

I don't get it either. You look 100% male. I wonder if it's your age (as you look young for a male, definitely not 30).

[Nygeel]

Always have. I've been wearing only boy's/men's clothing since I was 10. Sure there were times in there where I would dress en femme but it was mostly to humor people.

It's just one of those things ya have to deal with.

[Dominick_81]

@Nick: Doing that is stripping yourself away of so many good possibilities in the future.

I've known my future for 15 years. My whole life has been a waste. I have no future. I was put on this earth to me miserable. Like sucks and that's a fact! Being born the the wrong body just makes it worst. I try to fix it by taking T, but still after 1 year on T I'm still mis-gendered and look exactly the same as I did pre-t except I just put on a bit of weight, got acne, I'm loosing my hair, and getting hair in unwanted places... this only makes things worse. I was better off pre-T. My voice is not nearly as deep as it should be 1 year on T.  I am very disappointed with the T results after 1 years.

I have seen your pictures. I DO NOT see a woman's face. And I have heard your voice from a link you gave. At least I think it was yours. There was NOTHING feminine about it.

Thanks!

So I am not sure if your chest is showing because you aren't binding

I bind. I won't leave the house without binding. My chest is flat. Not as flat as I want it to be, but it passes.

Or your body shape in general. I really don't see why you got "she". Did you write down your birth name?

Body shape? I don't know. I don't think I have a body shape of a woman. Nope. The people I interviewed with weren't the ones who she'd me. I didn't have to use my birth name at all at the interview.

But things get better.

15 years I've waited for things to get better... they never did.

You have to stay strong. And there is a family here to support you when you need it

Thank you.

@Caseyyy: Thanks. Could be my age... that's why I wanna grow some facial hair so I can not be mis-gendered anymore.

@Offline Nygeel: That totally sucks being mis-gendered when your strictly wearing mens clothing. Sorry that happens to you too.

[Kreuzfidel]

I'm sorry this happened, Dominick.  But how often do you get misgendered in general?  Is it every day?  How often are you correctly gendered?  I know it's not easy to hear, but you can't live in the past.  The last 15 years have obviously and understandably worn you down - but you have to remember that you haven't been on T for the past 15 years.  Just one year.  Do you think it's fair to you to allow those past 14 pre-T years to define you and your future?  Or do you think you owe yourself the chance for the real Dominick to emerge over the next 15 years with testosterone in his body?  I feel that my life began the day I had my first shot - I'm still a newborn.  Your life as Dominick is just beginning.  Keep your eyes to future, mate.  You have our support.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I've known my future for 15 years. My whole life has been a waste. I have no future. I was put on this earth to me miserable. Like sucks and that's a fact! Being born the the wrong body just makes it worst. I try to fix it by taking T, but still after 1 year on T I'm still mis-gendered and look exactly the same as I did pre-t except I just put on a bit of weight, got acne, I'm loosing my hair, and getting hair in unwanted places... this only makes things worse. I was better off pre-T. My voice is not nearly as deep as it should be 1 year on T.  I am very disappointed with the T results after 1 years.

You are one year on T, that is a very short time in the scheme of things.  There is no way to really tell how deep your voice should be after a year because times vary for everyone.  Some guys are a year and have a Barry White voice, some are a year and still sound like Mickey Mouse, everyone is different.

If you don't want to wait it out and see if T changes you more, which it may take a few more years for all the effects to take shape, then you should weight the pros vs the cons of you taking T.  It doesn't sound like you even want to take it.

[Dominick_81]

I'm sorry this happened, Dominick.  But how often do you get misgendered in general?  Is it every day?  How often are you correctly gendered?  I know it's not easy to hear, but you can't live in the past.  The last 15 years have obviously and understandably worn you down - but you have to remember that you haven't been on T for the past 15 years.  Just one year.  Do you think it's fair to you to allow those past 14 pre-T years to define you and your future?  Or do you think you owe yourself the chance for the real Dominick to emerge over the next 15 years with testosterone in his body?  I feel that my life began the day I had my first shot - I'm still a newborn.  Your life as Dominick is just beginning.  Keep your eyes to future, mate.  You have our support.

So far with a hat on, I've been seen as male. Without it,  no pronouns are ever used.


Do you think it's fair to you to allow those past 14 pre-T years to define you and your future?

My life sucks so bad if you or anyone were me you would have killed yourself at about 15 years old. Honestly, my life just consist of sleeping and tv for the past 15 years. I didn't get a computer until my 20's. I have no job, no money, never had a girlfriend and I still live at home with my mom. Being trans makes it so much harder to get a girlfriend... my life sucks.  I know there are people out there that have it way worse than me, but I'm tired of sleeping all day and being up all night and b/c I slept all day. I have major social anxiety which makes it even harder for me to get a job. I can't volunteer at places I want to volunteer b/c of my social anxiety. Life just isn't for me. I have no idea why God made me. I have no purpose here. My dreams are dying.

Your life as Dominick is just beginning.  Keep your eyes to future, mate.  You have our support.

Thanks.

You are one year on T, that is a very short time in the scheme of things.  There is no way to really tell how deep your voice should be after a year because times vary for everyone.  Some guys are a year and have a Barry White voice, some are a year and still sound like Mickey Mouse, everyone is different.

If you don't want to wait it out and see if T changes you more, which it may take a few more years for all the effects to take shape, then you should weight the pros vs the cons of you taking T.  It doesn't sound like you even want to take it.

All the other guys I've seen had major changes within a few months of being on T and look different and in 1 year of T they look different too  if not in a few months.

If I wait it out too much longer I'll be bald and by then it won't matter. I mind as well stay on T if I'm bald. I'm loosing my hair in the middle and it's freaking me out. My hair has thinned out so much in a year. By next year I'll be bald and my life will suck even more. My skin has also been ruined by T. I've gotten all the negatives from T, but where are the positives?

I want T, but it hasn't done anything for me that's why I'm so frustrated. It only brought negative changes. And I keep taking the T b/c what's the point of stopping  T if it has already ruined my skin and made me loose a lot of my hair?




I hate being trans so much! It ruined my life! Even if I take T I still don't feel like a real man b/c I still have the female parts and that's frustrate me so much. I feel no matter what I'm not a real boy b/c I was born with female parts. Even if I got top and bottom surgery  I would still feel like I'm not a real boy b/c I was born with female parts. Even if the penis looked like a bio males penis would look like, I still wouldn't feel male b/c it was sewn on. And I don't want anyone to take what I'm saying wrong. I'm not saying that anyone who is born female is still female no matter what b/c they were born with female parts... that's NOT what I'm saying. I'm just saying this is how I feel for myself. I'll still feel female no matter what. It doesn't matter if I look like a boy or  if I get surgeries, I still feel I'm female b/c I was born with female parts. That's just how I feel.

[Kreuzfidel]

Mate, no one can know what you're going through or have been through because these are your experiences - those of us who have similar experiences can only empathise and support you.  But Dominick, your description of your life sounds like mine til just 2 years ago.  I was so close to offing myself until a miracle happened. You can't know what is just around the bend - if you let the bad take control you'll never know.  Can you hold on?  Can you just give yourself a little more time to see what may happen?

[Dominick_81]

Mate, no one can know what you're going through or have been through because these are your experiences - those of us who have similar experiences can only empathise and support you.  But Dominick, your description of your life sounds like mine til just 2 years ago.  I was so close to offing myself until a miracle happened. You can't know what is just around the bend - if you let the bad take control you'll never know.  Can you hold on?  Can you just give yourself a little more time to see what may happen?

I'm glad a miracle happen for you and that you didn't kill yourself. I'm glad things are going better for you now.

I won't kill myself b/c I don't want to risk going to hell for taking my life, and that's the ONLY thing keeping me from killing myself... hell. But I feel like I'm the living dead though. I keep waiting and praying that things will change, and I did have change, but nothing drastic. One year ago today was my first T injection(I never thought I'd get on T), and just a couple months ago my name was officially changed to Dominick. I still have major religious issue with the name change and gender change though.

[Kreuzfidel]

Please talk those issues out when you're ready, Dominick.  Don't burden yourself anymore than you already are.  We're here for you.

[Dominick_81]

Thanks Kreuzfidel.

[Rock]

My first 2 years on T were the hardest.  Before I began T, most of the time I was gendered as male.  After I started T, the first year I was constantly mis-gendered as a girl.  I don't know why this happened but I understand the pain of it.

It was very much the same as you describe.  My changes were SLOW and depressing.

After an 8 year break from T (passing though), I have been using a different T for the last 16 months and I wish I had this sort from the start 19 years ago.  It has responded far better with me than the other type ever did.

Maybe a chat with your Dr or endo or whoever it is who perscribes your T about what's going on for you could help with finding a more effective solution.

That feeling of not being real fades too buddy.

[Sharky]

Everyone has a future. There is a lot of suffering in life. You can't expect it to be fair or easy. You are responsible for your own success and happiness. If you are unhappy with yourself and situation, change. You can't just sit around praying and waiting for things to get better. You have to be proactive.

Yeah life sucks, but feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help you fulfill your dreams. You have to take responsibility for your life and it's outcome. There is no reason why you can't get a job, money, or a girlfriend. If you're tired of sleeping all day and being up all night then start resetting your body clock. I used to keep room darkening shades under curtains, thinking an extra dark room would help me sleep better.  I was wrong. Uncover all your windows and let sun light in. It really helps your circadian rhythm and it will be easier to wake up. You can overcome social anxiety, you just have to push yourself. It will get easier the more you throw yourself out there. Your dreams are dying because you aren't making them goals. You have to come up with a game plan and follow through.   

What has your doctor said about your lack of changes?
How is your blood work?

Learn to accept, love, and help yourself. Count your blessings. Stop the self hate and negative talk. Don't rob yourself of your life by not fulfilling your dreams.

There is nothing in the Bible against changing your name or anything about being transgender. Actually God changed some peoples names.

[nickm1492]

What I love about this site is that it allows us to vent and just release all the little things that bug us throughout the day. But you have to leave these feelings here. It's okay to be sad. I know how hard it is to be depressed or even be with someone who is depressed. It is a daily battle/struggle. But you CAN come out of it.

As for the finding a giflriend part, look I am sorry, but you can't blame ALL of it on the Transition. There are women out there willing to see past this. But you say you have a huge social anxiety so I am assuming you aren't willing to go out, and get to know people. Also, you say you just lay at home all day doing nothing. This isn't going to help you get a relationship. At 30, most women want to be settled and really start their lives. I KNOW getting a job is hard. The economy is crappy. But you have to get yourself out of the house. Not only to get to know other people, but to simply get out! Being stuck all day in bed watching tv and being on the computer will only fuel your depression.

I do say life sucks sometimes and what's the point. But I get out of that funk. As most of us do. Life is all how we perceive it. If you keep telling yourself your life is worthless, then in your mind, it will become worthless. You can take control of things. As for losing hair, EVERYONE loses hair. Men and women. It is devastating. But you look like a man. Society can accept a man who is bald a lot easier than a woman. And guess what? Bald is beautiful! There is a foundation called Saint Baldricks. I wanted to participate but will be unable for now because of the distance. They shave off peoples' heads in order to raise awareness for kids with cancer. Who guess what? Lose their hair. Kids are cruel. But these kids survive. These kids all have smiles on their faces even though they are so close to losing their lives. No matter how bad you, or I have it, there will always be someone else who has it worse. Do we have our health? Hopefully for the most part. You have a home. Food on your table. Life, is pretty good.

Guess what? I was dealt these cards. I don't particularly find any degree awesome. I am trans. I am short. I am...fluffy! lol There are things I can control and others I can't. What makes a person stronger is how they deal with things. Self pitty will only get you so far. And that is nowhere. Go out and get some sun. Drink some OJ. Get some vitamin D in your system basically. It will help with the depression!

[caseyyy]

like everyone, I know lots of men who have lost their hair and no one thinks less of them or thinks that they're ugly. I'm thinking of one prof I had in fact, everyone just thinks he's the sweetest guy and wants to work with him. Not sure if he likes men or women, but any straight woman or gay guy would love to marry him. I just googled him and saw a pic from 15 years ago and he looks better without the hair, ha.

Some guys take a bit longer on T. I've seen some where it takes more like a year and a half to get the desired results. But like Andy said, if you're not comfortable on T, maybe you should stop? Or, save up for electrolysis (if it's possible) to get rid of unwanted hair. Acne will go away. Balding you could take Rogaine or something if it's a total deal-breaker for you.

[Squirrel698]

What I love about this site is that it allows us to vent and just release all the little things that bug us throughout the day. But you have to leave these feelings here. It's okay to be sad. I know how hard it is to be depressed or even be with someone who is depressed. It is a daily battle/struggle. But you CAN come out of it.

As for the finding a giflriend part, look I am sorry, but you can't blame ALL of it on the Transition. There are women out there willing to see past this. But you say you have a huge social anxiety so I am assuming you aren't willing to go out, and get to know people. Also, you say you just lay at home all day doing nothing. This isn't going to help you get a relationship. At 30, most women want to be settled and really start their lives. I KNOW getting a job is hard. The economy is crappy. But you have to get yourself out of the house. Not only to get to know other people, but to simply get out! Being stuck all day in bed watching tv and being on the computer will only fuel your depression.

I do say life sucks sometimes and what's the point. But I get out of that funk. As most of us do. Life is all how we perceive it. If you keep telling yourself your life is worthless, then in your mind, it will become worthless. You can take control of things. As for losing hair, EVERYONE loses hair. Men and women. It is devastating. But you look like a man. Society can accept a man who is bald a lot easier than a woman. And guess what? Bald is beautiful! There is a foundation called Saint Baldricks. I wanted to participate but will be unable for now because of the distance. They shave off peoples' heads in order to raise awareness for kids with cancer. Who guess what? Lose their hair. Kids are cruel. But these kids survive. These kids all have smiles on their faces even though they are so close to losing their lives. No matter how bad you, or I have it, there will always be someone else who has it worse. Do we have our health? Hopefully for the most part. You have a home. Food on your table. Life, is pretty good.

Guess what? I was dealt these cards. I don't particularly find any degree awesome. I am trans. I am short. I am...fluffy! lol There are things I can control and others I can't. What makes a person stronger is how they deal with things. Self pitty will only get you so far. And that is nowhere. Go out and get some sun. Drink some OJ. Get some vitamin D in your system basically. It will help with the depression!

+1 to Nick and everything he said.  I'm glad he said it instead of me because I feel I've been harsh recently.

As I've said before life isn't going to come to you.  You have to go out and find it for yourself.  Do you think the girl of your dreams is just going to show up on your front porch one day?  That isn't going to happen.  If you have debilitating social anxiety see a therapist.  Then join a club or a group that has an activity you enjoy where you can build friendships.  I joined a marital arts group and that was amazing for my self esteem.  There are some very well managed marital arts dojos out there with high safety standards.  It's a great start and if you are strong enough to join an all male one, all the better.  Guys are very encouraging of each other, always patting each other on the back, calling each other 'man' and helping each other out.   

It is fairly physical however and coming away with bruises is expected.  If that's not your thing something else has to be.  Perhaps photography or bird watching or electronics or model airplanes or anything else that has a high percentage of male interest.  Being around other guys will cause some of that masculinity to rub off on you.

It's up to you though.  You need to get off your behind and get out in the world.  Nothing much is going to change for you until the masculine appearance on the outside is brought to the inside.     

[Dominick_81]

@Rock: I'm afraid if I change the type of T I'm taking it might make my acne worse or my hair fall out more. I dunno though, I'll talk to my dr. about it.

@Sharky: Your dreams are dying because you aren't making them goals. You have to come up with a game plan and follow through.   

College was something I wanted to do go back to but I don't have the money. I tried college and since I wasn't doing well in the classes I was supposed to, Vessid stop paying( and I did try to get help for those classes  I wasn't doing well in and all they told me was no one was available to help me) and I still have about maybe a little over 2 thousand dollars to payback in school loans.


What has your doctor said about your lack of changes?

I haven't seen her in about year, maybe a little less. I'm supposed to see her March 5th so I can get a letter from her so I get my gender marker changed on my license.

How is your blood work?

I just had blood work done a few weeks ago. Blood work is in the normal male range I was told.

There is nothing in the Bible against changing your name or anything about being transgender.

The whole name change bothers me b/c of - if your name is not found in the book of life then you can't get into heaven. I keep thinking, what if my name, if it does appear in the book of life would it be? My birth name or Dominick? What if it's my birth name and Dominick is not there? Or what it's not there at all? But that is my worry about changing my name.

Actually God changed some peoples names.

I just heard that somewhere. Maybe I read it on the internet somewhere...?

@Nick: At 30, most women want to be settled and really start their lives.

Living at home with my mom definitely won't get me a girlfriend and being unemployed too. I guess I'm waiting until I have a job and I'm out on my own. But I figure the way life is going now, I'll be living with my mom forever and never had any money to do anything or buy anything as always.

On the bald thing...  Some women go based on looks, and if a girl is hot, their gonna want someone hot. It's not like I'm gonna get the girl of my dreams. Whether women judge you or not for being bald, for me it bothers me to be bald. It doesn't matter if the women doesn't care or not, I do. And for kids with cancer who are bald, that's different, their not looking for a bf or gf, and I'm not saying cancer kids are ugly b/c their bald and I'm not saying anyone who is bald is ugly either. I just don't feel comfortable being bald. Though I can tell you this, when I've lost too much of my hair, I'm wearing a wig and hopefully no one will be able to tell it's a wig.  I'm already looking at wigs on ebay.

@Caseyyy: But like Andy said, if you're not comfortable on T, maybe you should stop? Or, save up for electrolysis (if it's possible) to get rid of unwanted hair.

I don't want my period to come back, another reason to stay on T.  Isn't electrolysis painful? I'd find some other way to get rid of unwanted hair. I've seen commercial of getting rid of unwanted hair without pain and going to the doctors, that's the way I'd go.

I thought about rogaine, even bought it, but took it back. If it didn't help my uncle, it probably won't help me.

@Squirrel698: Do you think the girl of your dreams is just going to show up on your front porch one day?

It would be so great to get the girl of my dreams, but that's just a fantasy. I highly doubt I'd be dating the girl of my dreams. Though, I would love for it to happen. The girl of my dreams probably would not date me.

If you have debilitating social anxiety see a therapist

I do. I've been seeing the same counselor for about 14 years.

Then join a club or a group that has an activity you enjoy where you can build friendships.

I wanted to get involved with the theatre but my anxiety got in the way. I can't stand the way I look and I don't want people to see me.  The way I look is a HUGE part of my anxiety and why I can't do things or get a job and go out much. I can do some things, but not a lot. I can go to the store, or  to the movies, and do a few things, but there are other things that are harder, like volunteering for the theatre. I would love to volunteer. I'd love to be able to see the shows for free since I have no money, but too many people and I can't do it. I don't want them seeing me the way I look.  I'd feel a whole lot better if I was skinny. No matter what I do I can't loose weight. The only thing that seemed to work was the starvation diet. I did lose weight when I was on it years ago. I'm trying to go back on it. The starvation diet is not easy.


I have no money to join a gym or buy gym equipment. I can't stick with my exercise routine b/c I don't enjoy it.  I need an activity I'm gonna like so I can stick with it. 

[MalcolmAllen]

I don't like to be harsh, and I'll try not to get preachy here but Dominick, man, nothing is ever gonna get better for you with your attitude the way it is.  You're being overwhelmingly negative towards everything.  Life is a miracle, and its quite short.  I hate to see people living like this.  I know how it is because about a year ago I was in the same place. Could barely get out of bed.  Things started to change after I saw a therapist for my adhd and mentioned my trans feelings.

The therapist said to me, "Gender identity disorder? Dysphoria? That's a bunch of crap. If you're a man, then be a man.  Toughen up and show some confidence.  True men take action."

And it may have been extraordinarily harsh but it changed my life.

Go out and apply at McDonald's. Seriously. Or Walmart. Apply everywhere. And then call them repeatedly to check up on your application.  Fast food joints will literally hire anyone.  I worked Arbys for awhile.  Also, look up any temp agencies in your area, they will also hire anyone and you'll probably get a full-time assignment. 

I second whoever suggested martial arts. I take krav maga every week and its made me more confident and fit. 

Also, if you can't volunteer at the theater then I'd suggest any other kind of volunteer work. People who donate their time are usually pretty nice and the kind of people its good to be around.  Helping others will help you.  I take care of rabbits at my local animal shelter but there's always soup kitchens, food pantries, homeless shelters, salvation armies etc who need volunteers.  I'd highly recommend this as a way to get out of the house and do some good.

Some other things I do to battle my depression: eat well (lots of fish, whole grains, veggies and fruit), keep pets (if I don't take care of my pet rats, who will), grow house plants (feels good to watch them grow), keep busy at all times (so that I don't have time or energy to be down), and get plenty of exercise.  If you hate the gym (which I also do) I'd suggest riding a bike around town or joining a martial art.  Even pushups in your bedroom will help.  Exercising releases endorphins.

If you need help eating right feel free to pm me, I'm a pretty healthy eater. Starvation diets won't work in the long run.  You need to be eating lots of small, healthy meals and exercising lots.

I apologize if I was harsh or preachy, and feel free to shoot down all my suggestions.  But even if you look 100% male, it still takes considerable effort to be healthy and enjoy life.  Passing won't fix peverything, tons of non tg folks struggle with debilitating depression.  Best of luck man.