So over the past few days, I've been having panic attacks, mental breakdowns, convulsions, and just constant crying fits, all over my botched Rhinoplasty surgery. To explain, some years back, I underwent a nose job to bring a balance to a nose that was obviously flared in a masculine way with the nostrils (imagine an African nose), and a bit bulbous. It was a feature I thought I hated, and by what I now realize was a serious lack of proper photographs of myself to really "know" what I looked like, I thought it was a feature that caused me to look goofy, masculine, and generally very ugly. So I underwent surgery.
And the surgery went horribly. Instead of producing conservative changes, the surgeon amputated centimeters of cartilage off both nostrils, amputated almost a half of inch of bone in total from my nose, both laterally and from the sidewalls, and mutilated my tip. In many pictures, I look just like Michael Jackson, and in others, my nose actually "looks" large because the cartilage deformities, mixed with thick skin, creates a nose that by illusion tends to look fat, plump, and masculine - though by measurement, it isn't.
What's really been hurting is that recently, I've had professional pictures taken of me to show me what my nose really looks like in real life, and I managed to find a picture of the old me that was taken with this same set-up. The result is that the old me never looked bad at all, I looked 10x better with my old nose, and it was never a nose that couldn't have been overpowered with just a volumous femine hairstyle, or whatnot. Yet, the current photo of me that had just been taken makes me look like Latoya Jackson (and for those who've seen some of my pictures I took myself months ago, it's shocking to see just what a difference wide angle vs. portrait angle shots can make). It is one of the most heartbreaking things in the world, to know for years you needed surgery, that your nose was too big, just for it all to be based off repeatedly taking pictures with horrible, distorted lenses and focal lengths. I've literally had two Rhinoplasty surgeries now because an illusion, and now, I look like a monster, no matter who's eyes see me, or what lens I take a photo with. My nose looks horrible, melted, and downright ugly, wide angle distortion or proper portrait lentgth. Its so sickening.
So what I want to say to everyone is that if you have something you hate about yourself, before you change it, make sure you're seeing it for what it is - if it's a facial feature, get professional photographs taken with a lens labeled 50mm or higher. I didn't do that before my first surgery, and my surgeon at the time, who was supposed to provide that service in office, tricked me into not doing it (because he knew I didn't have a bad nose and just wanted to make money off me.) Please do it. And if it's a feature that you know is there, but you can't change it cuz it's too expensive or impossible, please give yourself at least the hope to think that there may be some ultimate good that comes from it - say your a masculine man who can never pass as a woman, you may be the person who is meant to focus all that energy on public speaking and standing up for Trans rights instead, wether as a man or woman. No matter what you look, no matter how much your family or church or therapist wants you to be normal, if you're not normal, then be influenced to do something that's not normal.
I learned the hard way, and now, I'd give anything to have my old nose back, something that I'm also learning can't be accomplished with surgery (especially the nostrils, which are the worst - you just can't add back tissue that isn't there). However, I am looking into nasal prosthetics, which can be worn over the nose (like actors do for costumes), and with today's modern technology, facial prosthetic clinics make the noses to match exactly with what your skin tone, pores, skin texture, ect ect call for, with the exact shape of your previous nasal state before trauma (they use 3-D computer technology, everything). You may wonder why I'd want a wider, flared nose back, and go to that sort of length to get it, but even as a transitioner, I'm tired of not feeling like me. Even as a woman, I'd want the ethnic nose that I was given with my Native American heritage, it's the only thing that kept my wide-natured face from being too masculine, though at the time, I just focused on having a smaller nose. I didn't pay attention to how well it actually balanced my face, and the wider nose actually made me look more female!
