I'm so relieved that someone else experiences the 'corrections' phenomenon. I'm in a vast, un-navigable gender no man's land at the moment, lol. I'm being peppered with machine gun fire and I only have a small wooden stick. It's a toss up whether any one person I encounter is going to think I'm male or female, and all too often, they start off completely confident that I'm male, then hear my voice, and then the whole encounter dissolves into a stinking swamp of embarrassment, awkwardness, apology, outrage or confusion.
I'm experiencing awkward gender-related social encounters so frequently nowadays that I've divided them into four categories. For ease of... something.
1. The Swift Renege.
2. The How Dare You?
3. The My God I'm So Sorry.
4. The I Never Really Thought You Were a Man Anyway.
5. The Wait a Minute...
1. The Swift Renege.
I meet someone new. They say,
'Alright, Mate?'
I say,
'Alright, Mate?' and do my manly, manly handshake.
Their eyes widen at my voice, they squint at me and they say,
'So nice to meet you, Darling.'
I punch them in the face. No. No. I don't really.
2. The How Dare You?
An elderly lady comes up to me (let us say while I'm at work) and says, 'Oh, let's go to this nice young man. He has a lovely face.'
I smile and say,
'Welcome to (*the leisure establishment where I work that would kill me if I mentioned their name online*). Thank you for the compliment on my face, by the way.'
She looks at me more closely and says,
'ARE you a young man? Or a young woman?'
I shrug.
She looks at me as though I've run over her cat, and says,
'You just can't tell nowadays.' Her tone holds a note of outrage that I have interrupted the smooth flow of social ritual in her day.
I punch her in the face.
No. No. I don't really.
3. The My God I'm So Sorry.
I stupidly agree to go into the roughest pub in town with my cis female friend, because it's her favourite drinking establishment. Foolish. Foolish. But enough self-flagellation. A large, burly, bulging man comes over, greets my friend warmly and begins conversing animatedly with her. He is only aware of me peripherally, though when he does address me he does so as 'Mate.' He asks me whether I am my friend's boyfriend. 'No no,' I say, 'We're just friends.' He doesn't appear to believe me, and keeps imploring me to 'Look after her.' Eventually I assure him I will. Though I won't really. After about half an hour, the moment finally comes when my friend addresses me by my birth name. Burly Guy begins to look confused. The Truth comes out, and there is an awful, horrendous, frightening moment of complete silence. A flabbergasted look washes over Burly Guy's face. Almost exactly as though I've just run over his cat.
He says,
'But... no. You mean... No. But... What? No.'
I fear he might be about to hyperventilate, so I offer to buy him a drink.
'But...' he says, 'No. What? Wait... No.'
And then,
'Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I got it completely wrong. I was so wrong. So wrong.'
'It's fine,' I assure him. 'Really, it's fine.'
I have a small out of body experience and realise that I'm comforting a huge intimidating man on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I've just shattered all of his assumptions regarding gender.
So I punch him in the face instead. No. No. Honestly. I'm not a violent person.
5. The I Never Really Thought You Were a Man Anyway
I am getting a taxi with my Gran, who uses a wheelchair. As we're getting in, he refers to me as 'he' and lets me fold the wheelchair and lift it into the boot all by myself. During the taxi ride, he hears my voice when I talk to my Gran. When we get out, he leaps around to the boot before me, yelps, 'I'll get this, darling,' and whips the chair out before I can even touch it.
I honestly don't punch him in the face.
6. The Wait a Minute...
I am shopping for Blues Improvisation piano sheet music because I want to be Hugh Laurie, and I have bought the hat and everything. The shopkeeper says, 'Are you alright there, Sir?'
'Why yes,' I say. 'I'm just browsing for blues improvisation sheet music because I want to be Hugh Laurie.'
'Oh,' he says. 'Is it... is it "Sir?"'
'Yes,' I say. 'Yes, yes it is, "Sir."'
'Okay,' he says. His tone says, 'I don't think it IS "Sir." But if it pleases you to believe it, you may have your fantasy.'
I punch him in the face.
I really did this time.
No. No. I didn't. I have never punched anyone in the face. I'm a peacable and non-threatening person.
