I didn't have to go into work as early today, truck was scheduled for 3pm, boss wanted me for 1pm to get a head start on things. Got ready, took dog out. Did my usual routine for the morning, made sure to eat a full bowl of fruit as I was going to need the energy. Got on the internet while I ate breakfast. Was running late because I was posting a message for someone here that I think needed me (and everyone else) to help lift her spirits (how dare some dude call her "brother"), so what if I was late a few minutes (its okay), this is important. So I've gotten myself caught up with caring (thinking about others on here even while at work, wondering if that person will be alright; still wondering how a certain someone is that said she left, torn between what's inside and the material world) - I don't know what's come over me. Guess I'm just trying to reach out, take an interest in others, not be so centered on myself, as I'm not the only one suffering from the trials of being transsexual.
Okay, so got to work, yeah a few minutes late (been doing that a lot lately), but no big deal, its not like I'm opening with the store or running a register, and it was only a request that I be there for 1pm, not a hard set scheduled time. Was going through the boxes of toys, see what I could put out, the old manager guy comes back there, asks me if I could work out some snacks (potato chips, cookies, ect), so I jump over to that instead. He told me that he was going to work them out but said that he was swamped up front with customers. No problem, that's what I'm there for, I'm the stocker.
I still hadn't recovered from walking here, drenched in sweat and heart still racing like I ran, took a while for me to cool down, and I started feeling sick despite guzzling down the whole bottle of water I had with me, so I had to buy some more for the rest of the day. Got done what I could with the snacks and by that point the manager was out back emptying trash and cardboard so I promptly joined him. As we were finishing up, I'm bring in a u-boat that was brought out on the landing dock, pulled that up over the speed bump running along the doorway to the outside, it hits at an angle and jolts to the side ramming my thumb against the edge of the door. Ouch!
So I just had my right thumb smashed between the u-boat handle and door and I'm walking around back there trying not to cry out from the pain (actually crying as well as curse words I kept myself from slurring out). I knew this was going to be messed up. Took my glove off (thank goodness I was wearing gloves otherwise it'd probably had left a gash too), thumb was already swelling up, and turning bluish, and I couldn't move it. ->-bleeped-<-! I'd been nice to have something cold to put on it but there wasn't anything, and running under only very slightly cold faucet in the restroom only made it sting more. Oh well, will just have to deal with it.
Since I also figured this would be a good time to take my break, I sat back there eating my snack and I started crying, not from the pain, because well it did hurt but was starting to get numb, more worried that it'd make it difficult for me to work, I need to be able to function well because I need the money. I can't be hurting myself too badly on the job, also makes me look accident prone. Last time I hurt one of my hands really bad was a couple years ago when I punched a wall (at home - rage from off the hormones too long) and shattered my left hand knuckles (I hit a beam, ouch), took weeks for the swelling to go down. Made it challenging to work, but that was as a cashier, stocking with one hand would be a little tougher. And I don't like people looking to me like I'm incapable, so even if injured I still go at my work the best that I can.
Also was thinking back to another job, floral assistant / customer service and how I used to dress up pretty every day, not hard physical work really at all, and here I am busting my ass and hurting myself, doing the work of a man, getting payed less than most of my other jobs in the past, and these thoughts coupled with a strong throbbing in my thumb, well I felt tired and like I was hopelessly in a loop that I couldn't get myself out of. I was thinking about how well I did at that job and wondered to myself where'd I go wrong (I let things get to me too easily, I was a quitter), and how come I don't have the confidence to go for those kind of jobs anymore. Stocking is easier, not as mentally challenging and not as much interaction so less of the kind of stress related to issues arising from hostile people (but I still sometimes get 'em). So why do I keep doing the whole stocker type job? I feel safe with it (yet here today I wasn't), and its something that I know and do well (better than most). And while I don't mind the physical work since pretty much all my jobs have been, I feel I'm not giving my brain enough credit. Its not like I'm stupid, I'm very smart actually, though when compared to most I'm a slow learner. Anyway, enough contemplating it, thumb hurts so what, I look like a mess, its a job, time to get back to work.
I asked my manager if I had to fill out an injury report, so he went to go find the paperwork, couldn't, but came back with a notepad. I wrote down what had happened, just in case I did some major damage to my thumb. I reassured him that I could still work, but I might be a bit slow. He was fine with that, afterall I've always been there and have always gone well out of my way for the job. So long as I'm there he don't feel he has to worry about anything not getting done. Thankfully the driver of the truck wasn't pushing so fast with the unload, everything worked out perfectly smooth, the driver and us moving the boxes at a nice steady, matched pace. At first I was taking only small boxes, light to medium weight, using my right hand but avoiding my thumb, but as we neared the end of the unload the swelling had actually gone down a lot and I was able to move my thumb a little bit and it didn't hurt to apply pressure to it (just a little sting). My manager said he was impressed, he was worried I may've broken it (I heal pretty fast).
Oh, he also told me how the visit went with the district manager, told me that the guy said that I seemed very competent and confident in my work abilities, and that I do a good job (with what he observed of me). My manager told the guy, "She always does." My manager also told me that he appreciates me, that I always go out of my way, doing my best even though the pay isn't so good. So I smashed my thumb up, was in pain for a little while, and was exhausted from the heat, but that made me feel good.
One more final detail of the day, a customer at one point went up to my manager while he was running the register, asking him something, he pointed towards me down the cookie isle (this before the trash, smashed thumb and truck unload). Lady comes over, asks me about smoke bombs or stink bombs (something of the sort). I look questioningly at her and ask, "For killing bugs?, or something else?" She said no, something for a little boy to play with. Okay, ugh, no, I've never seen anything like that here (I was thinking it be something kinda like how cap guns are). She tells me, "But I've heard that you carry them". I bring her to the toy isle because she requested something similar, I knew there wasn't but sure may as well humor her. Then she wants me to give her an idea of what this boy would like to play with. I don't know, have no idea of what boys like to play with I say (partial truth afterall I was one myself, but every boy has their own preferences in toys - I was only really into action figures). But she thanks me anyway (though not all to happily), and I go back to working.
A few minutes later she's at the front of the cookie isle at the endcap there and says to me, showing a package, that she found them. I'm like "Oh, I had no idea they were fireworks". Then she has to add more in about how she was telling me just in case someone else asks for them, that there they are. And saying some other things about it to make it seem like I didn't know how to do my job or like I was stupid or something, belittlement with a hint of sarcasm. She almost got me to retort back, but I merely smiled at her and thanked her for informing me of where and what they were. It almost got me in a bad mood, but somehow I pushed it out of my mind that while the memory of the event was still there, it was past, my mind didn't linger on it, and I continued putting out the rest of the snacks I had on my u-boat.
Got off very late today as my manager wanted me there still to complete the truck, but home now and now a couple hours later I'm sitting here typing this and eating a pizza but am still filthy as I can't even take a shower because our water is shut off. My mom just shouted out to a resident that was walking by our apartment asking if their water was off, the person said yeah, and told her that they asked the apartment management about it earlier, and was told there was broken pipe and they are currently working on fixing it. May as well just sit here on my laptop until then. Oh, my thumb is stiff and still very purple, but I can move it, only has a slight hint of pain, swelling went down that its almost normal size and shape again, should be fine in a couple days.
