Help for a questioning youth?

[keclha]

Hi, I am a young person who is questioning my identification as female. I am very confused and not certain and I was wondering if anyone could tell me if what I am feeling is normal.

I feel as though I should tell you my long history for this to make sense...

I am currently a senior in high school located within a small, conservative, affluent community within Dallas, Texas. For a long time (in middle school and early high school), I attempted to fit in with my peers at school, during this time I was heavily depressed and attempted suicide multiple times. Around puberty it became worse because my mostly male group of friends began to ditch me. I came to resent makeup and was uncomfortable with my new-found breasts. But never once did I consider being trans, rather I accepted both and wore abhorrent amounts of blush and mascara as my classmates were. I didn't even really know about the trans community. I isolated myself for a year, but became friends with a girl who really saved me through bringing me into her friend group. In the past year, I have begun attending a UU church through her and the community has really opened my eyes. Through the church I met a guy, who I was instantly attracted to, and we started dating. He's perfect in so many ways and I believe that I am in love with him (or infatuated at least, I know I am very young). But recently, our relationship has become physical, though I have no problem with it on an emotional level, every time he attempts anything I am extremely uncomfortable and it doesn't feel good or bad or anything other than embarrassing and weird. It started as this small feeling, but every time I think about it, it becomes bigger and bigger and I keep finding more proof that I might not be who I currently am (I've always envied men's fashion, had more stereotypical "male emotional reactions", had more guy friends, interested in math and science, etc.). But I'm so old to be figuring this out it makes me doubt myself.

I'm just so confused...

Could I be trans?
Is it even possible to be a gay ftm?
How do I understand what I am feeling?
What do I do?

[V M]

Hi kechla,

Welcome to Susan's   Please do not post your age as it is against the rules for minors to do so here

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Hugs

V M

[justmeinoz]

Hi Keclha, and welcome from the bottom of the world.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you.  At all.  There are 7 Billion people in the world and you have as much right to be yourself as any of the others.  Actually you are in the select group who are sharp enough to ask these sort of questions, most people just follow the herd of sheeple.

To answer your questions in order; 
  You could be anywhere on the gender spectrum, there are many colours in our rainbow.  Time and research on your part, as well as listening to your emotions and subconscious will give you answers.  Counsellors and therapists can help you to ask the right questions.  At this stage it sounds like you are still wearing the "Questioning" label of GLBTIQ.

Yes, it is possible to be a gay FtM.  Gender and sexuality are separate areas.  I am a Lesbian MtF myself.  Absolute total dyke, I could no more imagine sex with a man than with a tractor! Transwomen with penises (peni?) are a different matter however, they are women.  Men with vaginas are still men, and the world, as Julia Serrano says, will have to get over it.

Take your time, and be gentle with yourself.  The more you read and talk to people both on the net and in real life (if you have any GLBTIQ support groups near you) the clearer things will become.

As for what to do, you have asked the most important question, " what is necessary now."  At this stage I'd suggest all of the things I have mentioned, and especially helpful would be finding a reputable gender therapist, and a support group. 

There are a lot of knowledgeable people here, and I'd suggest checking out the FtM boards and threads.  I know the guys will be more than willing to help.

Karen.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi keclha,

Welcome to Susan's family, from not quite the bottom of the world, but still a member of the Aussie Mafia, from Sydney.

There isn't much more to say from what Karen has said, she has covered all bases, including what should be done with tractors.

You'll find plenty of others here like yourself, who are anly too willing to share experiences and ways of moving forward. Hope you find the answers to your questions and therefore the obvious peace that comes with knowledge.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Cadence Jean]

I was 29 when I considered the possibility that I was trans.  I explored my gender identity for about a year and a half before I realized that I definitely was and couldn't not transition.   I always knew that I was off - there was something different about me, and I was weird about gender roles.  I was andro and effeminate for a male.  I didn't care about the clothes that I wore because they weren't as awesome as girl clothes.  I didn't want to get tattoos because I wanted girl tattoos.  The list goes on and on...   Oh, and I'm gay - I'm a girl who likes girls.  I can't believe it would be any different for transmen.  There's a really good book written by one that I'd recommend.  It's titled "Just Add Hormones."  You might find some inspiration in his story.   Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do!

[Val]

Hey OP, I know how ya' feel. And yeah, I think gay FtM's do exist, because that's how I feel.
I identify as a male, but am still attracted to males.
When I did have boyfriends, I would get incredibly uncomfortable when things got physical because I didn't like my physical self. I didn't like the way it felt to be touched as a female, and it was mainly because of this that I lost my relationships.
I looked around the internet a bit to search for others that felt the same, and found a quote explained how it felt perfectly, "When I fell in love I couldn't dream or hope or fantasize, because what I *was* couldn't fit into any picture." I'm sorry but I can't offer any advice as it's a problem I'm still trying to deal with myself (though it seems everyone else is doing a good job on the advice part), but you should know that you're not alone.

[JoanneB]

If there is one near you, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, PFLAG (www.pflag.org) is a youth oriented organization. I've met some totally amazing parents of trans children who totally get what it is like to be trans and want to help ease the pain of dealing with it. Having been young once myself back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, my parents did not react well at all to finding my stash of clothes. I didn't even want to think about telling them how I felt since like the age of  4 that I should have been born a girl.

Dealing with the question of being TG leads to a world that covers a very broad spectrum of gender identities and expressions. There are a lot of feelings and questions you want to sort to sort out. As others have said, sexual preference and gender identity are two different and separate issues. Both can be fluid and change over time as you learn more about yourself and your feelings. You are always growing and learning as you pass through life. Life is not static.

Knowing that you are not alone or unique with these feelings, and are not some aberration is so important for your self-esteem and mental health. Yes, they can be lame, but your school may have a counselor you can reach out to. Perhaps an instructor that you trust can help. I suspect from the description of the school, there is no LGBT student association. A nearby school just might.

Google is your friend. I cannot imagine in Dallas there is no trans youth organization. LGBT friendly churches can also be a resource for you. It took me 4 months in the boonies of WV but I eventually found a TG group which was a life changer for me. I never realized how important it is. The big irony is having lived in the shadow of NYC all my life and never once feeling that I should when there were dozens I could have went to. I think the Dallas area is more like NYC than the boonies of WV