Why didn't I know earlier?

[Alyx.]

When I was little I identified as a boy in a way. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it, but I agreed that that was who I was. Why then didn't I start thinking something was wrong until puberty started? I mean, sure, there was a little bit of jealously or confusion here or there, but I was still mostly okay with being a male. Even during puberty I had a tendency to express it more in a sexual way then as a real identity. I've been watching these documentaries on children and I think to myself I would love to be raised as a girl like that, that is, if you took the current me back in time. But back when I was that age I wouldn't have taken it even if it was offered.

How can I feel it so strongly now yet feel nothing for years? That doesn't make any sense. :s

Can anybody relate?

[Wild Flower]

The reason I think for me is that I kind of express my feminity in my youth, and I didn't really think I was a guy or a girl. Kind of just me. For example... barbies, watching sailor moon, playing as the girl in video games, drawing girls/fashion.... I didn't think of myself as having a problem then, too innocent maybe.... and I live day by day, not thinking about the future in a real sense.

Then my family really restricted me, and worp me to think being like a girl is bad for a guy. I had acne, overweight, and I didn't like myself. I wish I realize around this time, but my voice deepen at age 12. I hit male puberty early.

Now the issue is passing, I don't want to be a transsexual who cannot pass. I been on spiro since I was 18, after I save my money for from my first job. I would love to be a woman, but I don't know... life is hard as it is...

Also I stop and start spiro, so my privates won't wither away useless, and to keep myself healthy. Without testerone I am practically exhausted.

[lilacwoman]

children naturally assume that what parents say is correct so if we feel wrong then its obviously us that is wrong thinking.

[justmeinoz]

We really don't start to form our identity until about 8 years old, and then we are subjected to lots of pressure to conform to the way our parents, peers, and society think is appropriate.  Being children we don't have any other information to go on, so accept whatever our minds absorb like little sponges.

You haven't specified your age, but it is only recently that the very idea of Transexualism and the possibility of Transition  have become widely known.  If you were born in the 50's or 60's you didn't have much hope of discovering anything until at least your 30's, unless you were very lucky.

As for things making sense, the brain is very good at evading the truth, because it can be scary.  At least you know what is going on now, and are mature enough to make some of the hard decisions required.

Karen.

[Alyx.]

lol, I'm 20 years old. :s

[Artemis]

As for things making sense, the brain is very good at evading the truth, because it can be scary.  At least you know what is going on now, and are mature enough to make some of the hard decisions required.

That, and the simple fact that parents, teachers, and other people will (subconsciously) influence us, maybe even shape us to avoid admitting the same truths that they would avoid and to believe the same lies they would believe; our peers who would love nothing more then to find something "wrong" with us; the influence of (mainstream) culture which leaves very little room for people who are different.

To be honest... I knew when I was 7, when I was 12, again at age 19, and I was very sure at 22. I just couldn't do anything with this knowledge: It was meaningless because there was NOTHING I could do to change my outside. I wasn't looking for trans*, I was looking for a way to "fix" my feelings, my natural instincts, etc: To become who everyone expected me to be; Somehow I never did find a fix?

[justmeinoz]

I feel happy when I read posts by younger people here. There is so much more knowledge available now.

When I was trying to work out what was going wrong with my life, the word Transsexual didn't exist in everyday language.  The choice was to be straight or a poofter.  Nothing else.   As for Lesbians, they were rumoured to exist, but not around where I lived.  It is very hard to ask a question when your language doesn't have words to describe your feelings.

Don't be harder on yourself than you would on your best friend. 

Karen.

[Dana_H]

It took me 40 years to figure it out. Growing up, I was surrounded by messages that clearly identified people like me as "boys", so that's what I tried to be. It didn't feel right, but I had no referent to suggest there were any other possibilities; I was a boy, I would always be a boy, and I'd better get used to it. I just figured all boys went through the kinds of discomfort I experienced daily. Sure, I heard about "sex change" during my adolescent years, but more as a joke than any kind of real-world achievable phenomenon. It wasn't "real" in my inner dialog. It wasn't until well after college that something clicked in my brain and I started to realize my dysphoria was more than just the way life was for everyone. Once I wrapped my brain around the idea that a person could really be transgender and that transsexuals were actual real people in the actual real world, I finally accepted the truth of my own condition. From the first time I said the words "I am supposed to be female" to myself, the words tasted like truth.

The final convincing argument for me, was when I considered all the ways that men are more privileged than women in our society and I decided that, yes, I would be willing to give up all that male privilege if it meant being able to transition. I would actually be willing to accept a lower cultural station in order to be faithful to my own inner feelings. I don't necessarily think those inequalities are fair, but I do accept that it is the status quo in the present day.

Some of us (TG) know ourselves from birth (or a very young age), but some of us can take decades to understand the truth. It doesn't mean it hasn't been there all along, just that sometimes we don't have the words or lack the cultural experiences to figure things out early on.

[MacKenzie]

  I think it's because there are different levels of intensity in transsexuals. According to the Benjamin scale (named after Harry Benjamin) there are several different subtypes. Those tg children you see on tv or in the news that transition really young and are raised as female or male are usually classified as "transsexual high intensity". For them it's a persistent feeling of being born in the wrong body which causes them to act out in a way that the parents have no choice but to have them diagnosed by a child psychiatrist. From what i've read these types are pretty rare though, I think the majority of transsexuals fit into the "transsexual moderate intensity" or "transsexual non-op" subtype.

[JoanneB]

Don't be harder on yourself than you would on your best friend. 

Karen.

Wow! Very well put Karen

[Sephirah]

There's a vast, yawning chasm of difference between knowing something and knowing that you know it. Perhaps your early life was full of stimuli which kept your attention focused outward rather than inward, and only as you got older did you develop the self-reflection skills to explore your inner feelings and give voice to them.

Also, it's all too easy at a young age to write off anything that doesn't feel quite right. You have so many others explaining your role in life, what you should do, how you should be. Deferring to ones elders, or peers, is easier at that age than forming a solid self-identity that goes against everything you've been told, since you don't know any better and have no frame of reference to argue the opposite. Easier to go with the flow than make waves.

If ignorance is bliss, unfortunately denial can be positively euphoric.